Monday, May 13, 2013

Just another day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day here.  It’s supposed to be a day to honour and celebrate mothers.  

Somehow, I wasn’t feeling honoured or like celebrating.  I was feeling angry, annoyed, tired, frustrated, impatient, sad and pensive.  I can’t even pinpoint what was wrong.  A lot seemed to be wrong.  I feel bad for this but I seriously couldn’t help it or get myself out of the funk.  

We drove for almost 3 hours (roundtrip) yesterday to visit my mother-in-law.  I sat quietly and stared out the window for most of the trip.  That’s quite unusual for me because I’m usually pretty chatty.  I just sat staring at the scenery going by and ignoring my child half the time.  We timed our drive to match his naptime (which is slowly phasing out on its own).  However, he didn’t nap.  He was pretty good, I must admit but I was just not feeling like dealing with anything yesterday.  

You hear of mothers being treated “royally” with breakfast in bed and/or special dinners.  You have visions of flowers and cards.  I got to sleep in a bit, which was huge when you have an active toddler and a shift-working husband.  Then I took a nice long shower.  My husband and son made a card which was actually quite nice.  My husband made us a late breakfast which was also nice.  Then he took us/his mother out for dinner which was nice also.  But somehow, I wasn’t happy.  I feel like a spoiled brat for saying that.  I have a healthy family, a pretty good life and all that but here I am saying I’m not happy.  I hate myself for feeling that way some days.  But I had a lot going on in my head…

First, I was angry at my DH for something he did the day before.  I’m not going to drudge it all up on here but I was seething.  I was holding my anger in because fighting with him some days is pointless and I didn’t feel like fighting.  So that was stewing in the back of my mind. 

I was also thinking a lot about my mom, who passed away five years ago this June.  It’s hard to believe it’s been five years.  In some ways, it seems longer but in other ways, it seems shorter.  I wanted to go to the cemetery to sit and “talk” to her but the cemetery is always insanely busy on Mother’s Day.  So I’ll go another day…probably on her death-a-versary.  My siblings have never gone to the cemetery while I feel it’s an important thing to do now and then.  I have a friend at work who visits his parents at the cemetery and totally gets me…guess where he was this weekend!  He actually sent me a picture of the grave.  He gets that you need to stop and grieve/remember sometimes, no matter how long it has been.  It’s been a while since I’ve been to the cemetery and I think it’s finally caught up with me.  

Then I was thinking about my best friend who is expecting her first child in a few months.  She has quite a complicated situation going on which seems to be clearing up, ironically enough, with the expected baby.  She’s all excited and happy about the baby and gushes on about this and that, including how sweet her husband is being and how helpful her mom is.  My friend is unemployed so spends her days just doing whatever she wants, including having lunch with her mom.  I know I’m horrible for saying this but it makes me so jealous and resentful.  My mom has not been here for me for the past 20 years, due to Alzheimer’s and her death.  I’m pissed right off at the world some days for this and feel “broken” some days.  I’ve needed her and she’s not here.  Instead, I limp along and make do.  So when my friend goes on about this or that, I can feel my jaw clenching.  I’m a horrible person for feeling this, I know, but thankfully, I can be honest on this blog.

My friend goes on about how her mom will be staying with her when the baby arrives and how she’s already confirmed that she’ll have a day or two per week to do whatever she wants as her mom has said she can take off and she’ll mind the baby.  How nice for her.  When I think of my mat leave, I shudder about what a struggle I had between a colicky baby, my own post-partum depression and lack of help.  I actually cried about this yesterday morning when I had a minute to myself in the bathroom.  I sat and cried about how much I missed that year because I was basically up the creek without a paddle.  I feel so incredibly guilty and full of regret, thinking of my son, who had this ill-equipped mother for his first year of life and how wonderful that time could have been and how I wasted it.  It’s funny how things catch up to you sometimes (even years later) and you have a flashback of feelings.  

Yesterday just seemed “eh”.  I was in a mood and basically spoiled my own day.  I know holidays shouldn’t put so much pressure on people.  You should celebrate everyday and enjoy every day.  Holidays work up a lot of anticipation and visions and when reality does not match, it feels like a disappointment.  All this being said, somehow yesterday bothered me quite a bit when really, it was really just another day.

p.s. I told DH later what I was angry about with the preface “You want to know what’s wrong?  I didn’t tell you because I don’t want to fight with you, but when you ___, it really made me mad because ___”.  He accepted this and didn’t really respond or fight back so in his world, I think he got the message.  I know it’s not good to keep things bottled up (like my readers don’t know that about me already).

p.p.s. I just saw this is my 100th post!!!  Yay me!