citygirltalks

A Vent

2012-01-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've been very hesitant to post this entry. It's been on my mind for a long time. I've waited because I didn't want to post it in the wrong frame of mind or out of frustration or in the midst of the colicky craziness my son had. I didn't want to appear as a bitch or a whiny person.

I've waited until the dust has settled (or at least until I could see a bit of clearing!).

This post is about some friends who have severely let me down. I had tons of friends at one point; now, I have a hard time scraping up plans when we have babysitting. My housewarming party was ridiculously over capacity. Same for the big birthday parties. My bridal shower and baby showers were also a bit overrun. Bring a colicky baby into the picture and voila, people RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! God forbid the new mother has a bit of post-partum depression. Change your phone numbers.

Really.

Okay, I know people get busy with their lives but it just seems very funny timing that an insane baby arrives and poof, I'm sitting alone. Fair weather?

There is one person in particular that really irks me. She lives two doors away and was a pretty close friend until this past year. My DH and I hung out with her and her DH & kids and whoever (i.e. their visiting family members) for years. We were literally in & out of their house like it was ours. When I was pregnant, they were the FIRST TO KNOW. YES, they knew before family or anyone else. That's how close we were. Throughout the pregnancy, they were so supportive. They were going to be there for us and we could count on them.

Wrong.

Right after our son arrived, things changed. There was no major incident and nothing in our friendship changed. They just literally disappeared.

We used to go out every weekend for dinner or order in dinner. No more of that.

They knew our son was super colicky and I was in rough shape both physicallly and emotionally. This was their big signal to HELP!!!

Since then, things have not changed. Over the past 18 months (where does time go?!), they have been distant.

I finally talked to her and said that we missed hanging out with them, weren't sure why things had changed, asked if we did anything to offend them (hey, I know in the midst of colic, you can be grumpy!) and asked if we could hang out sometime. She gave a canned answer (I swear she had it recorded on a chip in her brain) that "for many reasons, it's difficult to hang out/have dinner on weekends". I tried to gently ask what that meant/if they were going through something and got nowhere. I said very diplomatically/in a polite fashion that it had been a rough year and a bit and we really needed them and they weren't there for us.

I even mentioned that when my DH's father died this past spring, they ditched that. They didn't show up to any viewings or the funeral and they sent an EMAIL to express their condolences. Really?! They live TWO DOORS AWAY!!! When I mentioned this (in a very polite, inquisitive manner of course), she rolled her eyes and said the viewings/funeral were an hour away, where my DH grew up. OMG, an HOUR. YOU POOR WOMAN. An hour makes respect go out the window. My DH was so incredibly hurt that our supposed friends couldn't take the time to show respect and support for him when his father (also his best friend) passed away. He looked around the funeral home and the church for them and I could see the hurt in his eyes. I can't tell you how furious I still am inside with them for this. Both of their parents live a plane ride away and my husband and I always said we would be there for them when the time came, no question. Yeah. Maybe now there is a huge question there.

It's funny, people who haven't lost parents don't get how important it is to attend viewings or funerals. It is really important. As the grieving person, you remember who took time out of their precious lives to show respect and support. I actually cut off contact with an old friend (who I've known since we were 14) after she pulled a stunt re: my mother's funeral. It was the last straw and that was it for her. Trust me, it wasn't an easy decision but she had finally pushed my last button.

So back to my original topic of this post: friends letting you down when you need them the most. The person I described above was the star of this show. She lived two doors away from me, knew I was having a hard time and didn't lift a finger to help or support. Christ, I would have died somedays to have her come over while her kids were at school (she stays home) to give me 30 minutes for a shower or a nap.

I had many others who ran for their lives. It was a similar show with my mother. Do you know how much I would have appreciated if a friend would have visited my mother with me at her nursing home instead of me always going there alone (yes, this includes my DH who avoided the place like the plague). I know nursing homes aren't the greatest places so that's why friends need you to join them, even now and then!

As for my colicky son, there were others who offered to help but really, it just wasn't the best logistically. I didn't want to put people out of their way.

But for those who were handy and ran for the hills....YES I HAD A HARD TIME WITH MY MOM AND A HARD YEAR WITH THE COLICKY BABY and that's when I needed you the most.

Two people that I have to give thanks to are my siblings. Yes, I can't believe I'm typing that myself. The two of them (separately, let's not get crazy) have been very supportive over the past 18 months. Any stupidity has been put aside as they have fallen in love with my wild son and have given support whenever they could.

I feel better now that I've posted this, even though the people I'm really talking about won't even read this because I don't publicize this blog with many people. It's my place to vent and just say what I want to without excuses or arguments. Yes, I've tried openly and gently telling these friends that I needed them but they were always too busy or whatever. It's been bugging the crap out of me and I'm sure it is a similar situation for many people out there.

If you have friends in need, BE THERE FOR THEM because they need you and one day, you ~~might~~ WILL need them.

He makes me smile

2011-11-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

Time is flying as you can see from how long it’s been since my last post.

My little guy is 16 months old now and I am completely in love with him. He has the best little personality, complete with a range of emotions from happy to sad to angry and everything in between.

He started daycare a couple of months ago and it was terrible. He wailed and screamed for almost 2 weeks straight at daycare. It broke my heart. I was a wreck all day at work and counted the minutes till I could go “rescue” him. He was so upset about being left by me that he was a disaster all day, every day. I wish I could tell him, hey, I sympathize; I was a wreck when my mom used to leave me at school for the first while and an even bigger wreck later in life when she passed away! It never gets easier, my little friend!

The lady who runs the daycare almost kicked him out after a week because she had never seen such a bad transition and said I’d have to hire a private nanny or quit my job and stay home with him. And then one day, he turned and everything was fine. He realized he could have fun all day and that I would faithfully come pick him up every afternoon. A huge sigh of relief from me…

Now, he is having a great time at daycare and I have adjusted to being back at work. I absolutely love the time I spend with him in the morning before work, the afternoons & evenings and weekends. I love to see him smile & wave bye when I drop him off in the morning at daycare and I love to see his face when I arrive to pick him up after work. It’s fascinating to see all the little things he’s learned that day, which brings me to the title of this post…

He makes me smile. He does things to impress, entertain and mimic me. It’s absolutely fascinating to have this little person who is so dependent on you and can’t even really talk or walk yet going out of his way to get a reaction from me. It makes me smile larger and with a sweeter feeling than I’ve ever experienced before. This is love, someone told me. I smile, laugh and/or clap at him and he beams back at me. He is so happy to see my reaction. We have connected and have so much fun together.

On the flipside, he also gets into mischief sometimes and I have to say “no” to him. What a sad little face he puts on! And sometimes, he even looks away in shame. It breaks my heart and I have to try so hard not to smile and give him a mixed message.

So this is what it feels like to be on the “other side” as a mom and not a child. It’s an amazing experience and I am so thankful to be having it.

Goodbye, old friend

2011-07-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

I had to say goodbye to a dear old friend this week. I'm surprised I didn't write more about him before on my blog.

He was my 18 year old cat. This poor guy has been through thick and thin with me. I can't tell you the number of times he sat with me while I cried. He'd gently lick my hands, cuddle up to me or give me the most understanding looks (I know, sounds bizarre, but animals can totally tell when you're upset).

I adopted my cat when he was a kitten from the pound. He was a bit of a runt but I knew right away he was "the one". One of the main reasons I adopted him was because I'd become an insomniac after my father passed away and then my mother started to show signs of Alzheimers. I'd sit up at night, unable and not wanting to sleep. My father passed away overnight and I found him the next morning in the living room. Some people mentioned my mom might pass away soon after because of how much she missed my dad. I really didn't want to have another dead parent on my watch so the insomnia began. I'd sleep a little here and there but jump awake at the slightest sound. Occasionally, my mother would have a bad night where she would try to run away to "go home" or come bursting into my room to demand her stuff back that she believed I'd stolen. Yep, nights were long and lonely. And that's where my little friend fit in perfectly.

Cats are naturally nocturnal so my new little buddy would hang out with me during these difficult times and keep me company. I also had a horrible fear of my mom needing an ambulance one day and I was terrified to wait for an ambulance by myself so my buddy would be there for me then too. I also purchased a cordless phone for my bedside that year (a bit deal back then) so I could have a portable phone if and when the day came. I was ready!

My little buddy also kept my mom company during the day when I went to school and work. She loved him to bits and took care of him like a child. I'd often come home to find the two of them cuddled up on the lazy boy watching a soap opera. Animals are so good for people's health and really help put ill/anxious people at ease.

Of course, there were times where I'd come home and couldn't find the cat because my mom had let him outside for fresh air and then forgotten about him due to her Alzheimers. You know how it goes...the phone rang so she went inside to answer it and then forgot the cat outside. She used to do this with many things, including putting a pot or kettle to boil on the stove and then going out grocery shopping. I can't tell you how angry I used to get at my mom for this. The cat was an indoor cat and we live in a big city so it was quite dangerous to just leave him outside. Thankfully, I'd always find him in the backyard, safe and sound.

Sadly, this week, I had to let my buddy go. He was really showing his age and had begun to drink tons of water, pee a ton and track pee-soaked litter all over the house (a big concern for me with the baby). It turns out he had severe diabetes which would take thousands of dollars to get under control as he'd have to be hospitalized for a few weeks. The vet advised that even then, I had to remember he was 18 years old. So, I let him go.

It was terribly sad and I sat with him while they put him to sleep. Eighteen years of memories flooded my mind, flashing through like a slide show. Letting this cat go was a huge deal for me as it was like I was letting go of an era and moving on with my life. I know I might sound crazy (and one person actually thought I was nuts years ago because I referred to the cat as "he" and not "it"). But really, this cat had been there through it all. From insomnia to insanity, from horrible breakups to deaths, he was my friend and I will miss him. Rest in peace FB.

It's been a while

2011-06-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted here. I've been quite busy at home with the little one and totally understand now why people say they "go to work for a break"!

I looked back on my last post and was surprised it was so long ago. My father-in-law did pass away...the day after that post. He was a lovely man and I miss him terribly. Honestly, he was the nicest person in that family. Always made me feel welcome and at ease. He was the best father-in-law you could ever ask for.

My DH was in shock for quite a while. He didn't seem fazed or bothered by his father's passing and that was kinda freaking me out a bit.

But, a couple of weeks ago, DH finally broke down. It made me cry for him. He told me how much he missed his dad and how he wanted to call/visit him so many times and then would realize he couldn't. He also said he'd see something interesting (like a neat car or whatever) during the day and want to tell his dad about it and couldn't. Or he wanted to tell his dad about something he accomplished but couldn't. And there's nobody else in this world that cares as much about these little things as his dad did.

DH GOT IT. He finally got the emptiness that I've been feeling all these years. Nobody cares about you as much as your parent and nothing feels as good as a proud parent beaming at you. You can tell anyone else in the world what you accomplished that day and it won't be the same.

DH still has his mom but they're not very close. His dad was his best friend and now he's gone.

We sat quietly together and I cried a bit, telling my DH how I worry about our child going through this pain one day when he loses us. I also acknowledged it's part of life and that's how it goes but it's so hard to imagine inflicting this pain on someone else. My DH was sad about this idea too and worries about our little guy "being on his own" one day. He even went as far as suggesting maybe he needs a sibling to lean on in the future. WHOA. Hold that boat for now. Not ready for that but also, as some readers know, your siblings aren't always supportive or present!

My son is SO attached to me. We had a bit of a hard start since he was very fussy and colicky and I had little support but we're pretty good now. I see how much he loves me and I am loving him right back. It's overwhelming somedays how much my son needs me and how he cries when I'm out of his sight. It's amazing to be on this side of the equation... being the parent instead of the child.

Welcome to Club O

2011-03-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

My DH's father is gravely ill. He will probably pass away this week. He became suddenly ill a few weeks ago and the doctors advised today that there's nothing else they can do. I've cried a few times today not only because I really love my father-in-law but also because of what my DH is joining...Club O.

My DH has no idea what he's in for. He seems to be in shock and hasn't broken down yet about his father's condition.

I've been part of Club O for some time now and know the gutting pain you feel when you lose a parent. I just hope I can support my DH as much as he needs when he joins.

The Babe's First Noel

2010-12-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am on December 23, getting ready to celebrate the first Christmas with my own child. I have such mixed emotions from happiness to complete heartbreak. Wishing my mom was here but looking at my own child hoping he enjoys his first Christmas (even though he's only 5 months old!). I miss my mom terribly during holidays. It still stings. Funny, I smile about my son wailing when I leave the room...he misses me even when I just leave the room. If he only knew how much I understand about missing someone.

My family won't be together on Christmas Day which saddens me a bit. I had hoped this Christmas would be different. To be fair, the boycotting sibling from last year is away this year on holiday (yeah, nice timing...anyways) but at least s/he's not all out avoiding like last year. We'll be seeing the other sibling so that's good. Boycotter sibling said maybe we'll see each other when s/he returns from holiday. Whatever. It doesn't seem to bother me as much this year as last year.

Funny, as I read this as I'm typing, I thought about something. Technically, MY family WILL BE together this Christmas. I have my DH and my son. I guess I still think about my siblings as "my" family but maybe I should start to think about my own little family now first.

I hope my fellow bloggers have a good holiday season...I know it's tough when you have a parent with Alzheimers during the holidays. And special thoughts to Greg...I'll be thinking of you on this First Noel.

Till next year,
citygirl

What a ride so far...

2010-11-17T11:22:00.001-08:00

Well, here I am, four months into being a mom myself and what a ride it's been so far. My son is very colicky/fussy so I barely have time to myself, thus my lack of postings! It's been quite a challenge. Much more so than I would have ever imagined!

I sometimes catch myself welling up with tears when I'm overwhelmed (quite often!) or having a quiet moment with my son. I miss my mom so much somedays and would give anything to have her here and well enough to help me. I especially get choked up when listening or singing lullabies...OH MY G*D that makes me miss my mom. Here I am, holding my own child, wishing that my mom was here to hold me. Have I lost it?! I desperately need comforting somedays myself!

My DH tries his best but the poor man can only do so much. My siblings have really helped. I see one sibling on a regular basis and s/he's been a great support. I also try to get out as much as I can...I've joined a mom/baby group just to have an outing. It's unbelievable how lonely and overwhelming being at home with a baby can be. I pictured it much differently (sans the colic/fussiness!). I've read/heard that the fussiness will pass and be a distant memory one day. Cannot wait. I know my son is a great little guy inside.

A New Life

2010-07-28T10:48:00.001-07:00

My son has arrived. A new life in the world. I'm overwhelmed, confused (hey, I'm a first time mom - nothing makes any sense to me!) and grateful all at the same time. He's healthy and happy and really, that's all that matters. I laugh and cry within seconds. It's crazy.

I look at him and cannot believe he's here. I am someone's mother (!!!). One day, he'll love me like I loved my mother. He'll miss me when I'm away. He'll cry for me. It's overwhelming that I've put another person in this position. A person that I've made.

I put off having children for years because I was so scared to put someone in the position I found myself in for so many years. But now, he's here. I hope I can be a good mom. I hope he loves me to bits. Even though I took care of my mom for 16 years, this feels like a whole new game.

I wish my mom was here to meet him and help me. My DH has been amazing. So amazing that I cry. I have met a completely different side of him that I never knew existed. My siblings have been amazing too ~ this baby has brought them closer to me. And my friends, I couldn't live without.

I'll keep you updated my readers...citymom

Booties, Bibs and Tears

2010-05-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I attended my baby shower. It was really nice. Very well attended by friends and extended family and I received a lot of really great things. It was really nice to see such a good turnout.

It was hosted by 4 people – Sibling 1, my best friend and Sibling 2’s wife & daughter. One person who didn’t show at all was Sibling 2 himself (even though I asked him to come by and he lives 10 minutes away from the host’s house…and the host is a neutral person so I pretty well took every issue out of the equation for this sibling). However, I must give credit to this sibling’s spouse and child who also co-hosted despite whatever the problem is with Sibling 2 (this is the Christmas and Easter boycotter).

Besides this sibling, I was also thinking of my mom (are you surprised?). It was Mother’s Day here earlier this month and that was still rolling around in my head and then I looked around at my baby shower (which is just a bizarre thing for me to be saying as I never thought I’d see the day!) and I was sadly thinking how I wish my mom was there. Despite the 30 other people in attendance who love me, I was thinking of my mom.

My aunt was there (my mom’s only surviving sibling) and that meant the world to me. She looks and sounds like my mom so I was greedily soaking up everything about her. I felt like a parasite, using her to feel close to my mom. All the while, I was fighting off tears. It was quite a scene in my mind’s eye. I pried myself off my aunt and socialized with all the other guests and got a hold of myself and overall had a very nice time. I focused on being happy and enjoying all the love that my friends and extended family brought to the event.

I had some time alone last night as my DH was working and I was home alone. Guess what I did. Yep, had a good cry. The no-show sibling called to say hi and ask how the shower was (why does s/he care?!). I don’t know how s/he can’t see how much they break my heart with their behaviour. I’ve actually told him/her a few times how much our situation hurts and upsets me and get no real answer. It’s bad enough to boycott birthdays and holidays but the baby shower?! I know I’ve said I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings bother me but every now & then, I can’t help that it does. I wondered to myself last night if this sibling will even meet my baby or just avoid that too. This sibling hasn’t even seen me pregnant, which I mentioned and received no real response unless you count some awkward laugh. It absolutely kills me how far this sibling has gone. I must give some credit to the sibling that co-hosted the shower. At least there was effort and love put forth, even if it was a bit dysfunctional.

Of course, I thought about my mom too. I wished that she could be here to support me and meet her grandchild. It’s been two years this June since my mom passed away and sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday while other days, it feels like it was a long time ago. Funny how time is so hard to gauge. I was actually at my mom’s funeral home a few weeks ago for a co-worker’s mother (who also passed away after suffering from Alzheimers). The visitation was held in the same room as my mom’s was. It was hard to take but I wanted to at least visit my co-worker briefly as I remember how important it was to see people at the visitation. Then I saw a funeral procession the other day and just about cried at the sight of it. I could feel the sickness in my stomach that I felt when I was in my mom’s procession.

I guess last night all these things (and other little silly things going on) just caught up with me last night and had to come out. I felt a bit sorry for myself as somedays, I feel like I’ve landed on a foreign planet with no family or I somehow lost my family in one swipe (which is kind of true – my siblings went totally dysfunctional right after our mom died...it was like having my whole family wiped out). I also feel slightly guilty and scared (not sure if those are the right/exact descriptions) of looking forward to having my own little family. I hope and pray that I’ll be a good mom.

Rough Day

2010-03-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Now and then, I just have a good cry (as my readers know!) and yesterday was one of those days.

I know I say I’m looking forward to having my own family (Citymom-to-be “CM2B” as one of my readers calls me!) and that I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings get to me but that only goes so far. Easter is coming up this weekend which means another opportunity for their dysfunction to shine. Nobody has contacted each other about it and I was going to make contact last night and then didn’t.

I got into such a funk yesterday (and it’s carrying over into today) that I ended up being depressed, having a good cry and then getting into a grumpy mood. Easter was on my mind during the day at work. I looked out the window late afternoon and saw a man collapsed on the middle of a very busy road with paramedics frantically doing chest compressions on him. I watched the scene intensely and thought of my parents and how lucky we/they were that their medical emergencies were generally at home or in the nursing home. How horrible for that man to be lying on a busy road on the brink of death. After all is said and done and all of life’s crap, this could be the end for this man. What a way to go.

I went home and felt down and out. My DH works shift-work so I’m sometimes on my own a lot which gives me time to think (too much!). I thought about Easter some more and how much I miss my mom and therefore opened a tidal wave of tears. I also thought about how my expected child will never meet my parents and possibly, never have much of a relationship with my siblings either. I vowed I would try to be the best mom possible to my stomach. The baby was quite active last night which made me smile in the middle of this emotionally stormy night. I could feel him kicking and punching and for the first time, I actually saw my stomach MOVE. It was pretty surreal to watch my stomach moving on its own!

I thought a lot about this baby last night too. I remember a few years ago, I was at my doctor’s office for an annual checkup and she casually asked if I was thinking of having children. I remember I was pretty unsure and teared up a bit. The doctor comforted me by saying she knew I was going through a lot of with my mom and that might be the main reason I was so emotional and hesitant to have children: I didn’t want to have a child and put them through what I’ve been through with my parents. I didn’t want to make another person suffer the pain that I’ve experienced. It was true. But flash-forward to today. Everyone will lose their parents at some point in their lives (unless they die before their parents). It’s part of life. I just got a really long and bad experience in my case.

So after my bawling, I just got into a funk. I missed my DH who had decided to go out after work for a bit which made me insanely upset. I was at home, having a crappy night and wanted him to come home and comfort me. But I forget DH doesn’t get it 100%. He does not comprehend me all the time. It’s probably just as well that he didn’t come home right away. I was in such a mood, G*d knows what I would have unleashed on him.

I know I should not sit at home all the time when DH is working. It just leads to time on my hands. But to tell you the truth, I need to have these moments sometimes. You can’t always be on the run from your feelings.

A New Chapter

2010-03-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I posted. There hasn’t been much to post about (you'll laugh at that statement by the end of this post) and I’m in a terrible set-up at work where I have zero privacy (hey, what I do on my lunch or breaks is my business!).

However, I thought today I’d post. In terms of my family, it’s the same-old sh*t, different day. My siblings continue to be from another planet. Christmas was terrible – one sibling avoided the whole scene by saying his/her family was trying to get away for a mini-vacation (which was a complete lie and never happened). There’s a whole whack of other stuff going on with this sibling which I don’t want to get into online but it’s another big reason he/she’s become so distant. The other sibling came over to my place as did my DH’s parents. It was a nice enough time but I was quite sad not to see the first sibling and my niece/nephew. I rarely see those kids now. Maybe twice a year which really depresses me.

I don’t think my siblings will ever radically change and I have to accept that. We had our mom in common but other than that, they’re pretty messed up people. It’s a hard thing for me to accept, being the “baby” of the siblings. I’ve cried many times about the situation. I miss having family. Nothing against my poor DH, but he’s not my blood. I love him to pieces but he’s still not my flesh and blood. For some reason, the void of family leaves a big empty spot in me.

I miss having family to love. My mom’s passing really took a toll on me and now, it’s quite apparent that my siblings and I aren’t going to live happily ever after. We’re going to live dysfunctional, distant and somewhat estranged ever after. I will continue to want to be loving and a family; they will continue to be themselves and I will continue to hurt and long for happiness.

So, I finally came off the fence and decided something. It’s been on/off my mind for years but I’ve finally decided. Citygirl is going to become Citymom! Yes, you read it here first. DH & I have talked about children for years and I’ve just never felt 100% ready or capable. When I was caring for my mom, I just couldn’t imagine how a child would fit in or how I’d have enough energy for everything and everyone. I felt dead on my feet as it was.

But now, this void inside of me is calling for someone to love, nurture and share life with. My DH has been patient as a saint regarding this and I think he’s ready too. We’re ready to have our own family and not rely on my dysfunctional mess or his family (gee, I could write a whole other blog about his family!) for that fulfillment. We want to have our own celebrations and happiness. So here we go…stay tuned as I become citymom (estimated arrival is early July!).

When the cat is away...the mice will be jerks

2009-11-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

It’s been a year and half since my mom passed away and I’ve seen some pretty sad, ugly and upsetting things unfold since her passing.

My siblings, who have always been dysfunctional at best, have become even more so. We saw each other on the first Christmas after mom passed but since then, things have become pretty crappy.

This Easter, one of them decided they didn’t want to participate in any sort of family dinner. I organized dinner with the other one and it was okay. After Easter, the one who boycotted asked if s/he was missed and if anyone asked about him/her. Really. Looking for attention, much?

This Thanksgiving (it’s in early October in Canada), after a summer full of dysfunctional behaviour, I decided that I wasn’t going to bother trying to organize dinner. I am always the organizer and sometimes wonder if my siblings just accept my invitations out of guilt or actual interest in seeing me. I made no efforts and guess what happened? Nothing. We didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Nobody called each other. It was like the holiday didn’t happen. It really saddened me.

About a week after Thanksgiving, the Easter-boycotter called me and lamented that we didn’t have Thanksgiving. S/he said “if you had invited me over, I would have come”. I flipped out at this point and recalled how s/he boycotted Easter and said I was sick of cr*p like that and that’s why I didn’t bother trying to organize anything.

So here we are, a month before Christmas. Now, it’s the other one’s turn to boycott. S/he told me a few weeks ago that s/he’d rather “skip” Christmas this year and perhaps just go out for dinner sometime in the weeks afterward. S/he said that s/he would just rather not deal with all the stress of the day and just go out to a restaurant and eat and leave. I was a bit surprised by this statement and replied that I was happy to host Christmas as I had always done and all s/he had to do was show up. S/he replied that s/he was going to try to go away with the spouse and kids for a few days over the 25th so to go ahead with whatever other plans I have and not count on them. But somehow, this sibling still wants to have dinner “at some point” after Christmas? For what? So their kids don’t miss out on gifts from Auntie Citygirl? Mind you, this sibling pulled this a few years ago and their big plans of going away failed and they ended up at my place on the 25th.

This has bothered me for weeks. I am absolutely sick over it. I am so tired of holidays being so hard for us. Holidays weren’t perfect when my mom was around but we at least held them. Everyone wanted to see mom on holidays so we all had to co-exist for the day and it was actually fine and we’d end up having a good time. Even last year, despite it being a crap year, we got together at my house and it was ok. But now, it seems like all bets are off. The cat is away so all the mice are free to be selfish jerks who can do whatever the hell they want with no regard for anyone else.

I tried explaining this to my DH a couple of weeks ago when I was (once again) crying about this. Both his parents are still alive & well so they organize holidays and no matter what, he sees them and his sibling. As a non-member of Club O, he just doesn’t get it and gets frustrated to see me upset about it.

I said that once your parents are gone, it’s really up to you and your siblings to see each other and continue to be family. If you choose not to do this, it’s up to you! Nobody is around anymore to make you get along with your siblings (or at least tolerate them). You answer to no one. You are nobody’s child anymore and you can do whatever you want without any repercussions. It’s the evil rebel that used to come out when your parents weren’t looking – but now, you don’t even have to look over your shoulder or feel any guilt!

One of my siblings hurtfully pointed out to me that s/he has a family – the spouse and kids – and THAT’S their family now. So what do your siblings become? I think it’s especially hard for the siblings who don’t have kids or a significant other. They’re pretty well alone and still consider their siblings family.

My DH was totally annoyed by that sibling’s statement. As hurtful as the statement was, I also explained to my DH that although my mom had Alzheimers and it took her mind and eventually her life, we (the children) were also affected by it as long-time caregivers. After 16 years, a toll has been taken mentally, emotionally and physically. It has affected us in different ways and perhaps permanently changed our personalities, sometimes in negative ways. I know that I feel broken in ways and although I’m doing much better overall, I fear there is a chunk of me is irreparably damaged. I encouraged my DH to have patience with my siblings and me as we’ve been through a lot and that nobody is perfect. Rich advice eh? Do as I say, not as I do!

I actually talked to my best friend about this one night on the phone. She’s been my friend for 20 years so she has seen this situation every step of the way. She was very sympathetic and noted that it’s hard to lose someone, grieve and move on under average circumstances but this was like grieving for 16 years. I cried a bit and agreed…it was like my mom died a bit everyday for 16 years. My friend also pointed out that she’s experienced things in her life that she feels that she’ll “get past” but never fully recover from; it’s like a scar is left behind.

I also talked to DH about not letting my siblings level of involvement in my life dictate whether I’m happy or not. I think I cling to them a bit because they’re all I have left for family. I also used a couple that we’re friends with as an example to follow: both of their sets of siblings are dysfunctional and not really part of their lives. Mind you, their siblings are living in another province so they’re geographically distant from them but they are also definitely not chummy with them. Each of them have one sibling that they don’t even talk to. Does this bother them? No! They have their life here and what their siblings do doesn’t affect their happiness.

So, where to go from here? I’m not sure. I know that my DH and I should create our own holidays and not depend on my siblings to make or break things. We spend time with DH’s family but that pulls on my heartstrings that I wish I had family to spend time with too – his family is ok but they’re not my blood.

There is something to be said about the bond of blood relations, no matter how whacked they are.

Lock the door when you see elephants running towards your house

2009-11-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

I had an odd dream the other night that I’m still thinking about.

I was walking in my old neighbourhood with my mom and it felt so real. Everything was exactly as it was years ago – it’s amazing how many details were in this scene. I could see every single house as if I was really there. It was fall and leaves were rustling under our feet. The breeze was cool and I could even smell my mom’s familiar scent.

We were walking home from the grocery store and got stopped in our tracks by a person repairing their fence. The sidewalk and half of the roadway were closed off and this person had all sorts of heavy construction equipment and people working on his fence. As pedestrians, I’m not sure why we just didn’t walk on the other side of the street. Anyways, a friend from school and her mom came along and we chit-chatted a bit with them (as we used to) and noted how interruptive this person’s work on their fence was. Even my friend and her mom were crystal clear.

We finally got home and my mom sat down in the living room while I went to the kitchen. I looked out the kitchen window and there were elephants running towards the house! Terrified, I ran towards the front of the house/the living room to save my mom. When I looked back towards the kitchen, the elephants had made their way into the house and were roaming around (somehow, they had decreased in size to fit in the house). I thought to myself “why didn’t I lock the kitchen door? that would have kept them out”. Moral of the dream: Lock the door when you see elephants running towards your house!

Seriously, I dream so vividly sometimes, it’s almost like having a “visit” from my mom. I was telling my friend about this dream on the weekend and ended up tearing/choking up so much that I couldn’t go on.

The Visit

2009-10-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

I finally went to the cemetery this past weekend. It was a bit hard to go but I was determined to visit before winter sets in.

DH came with me and was quite supportive. I gave him the job of clipping the grass edges around the nameplate (we don’t have tombstones at our cemetery) which kept him busy. I think he gets a bit unsure of what to do at the cemetery. We brought fresh flowers and put them in the built-in vase so the site looked nice (as far as gravesites go!). Neither of my siblings have ever visited the grave so I am the only one who even checks in on it. Overall, the cemetery is very well kept but there are a few graves there that are in need of some TLC. I guess those graves don’t get visitors or all their family have passed on or moved away.

I asked for a few minutes to myself so DH went & waited in the car. I had a little cry and talked to my parents a bit about how much I miss them, our dysfunctional family and the direction (or lack thereof) of my life. I know this all sounds insane, but when you lose your parents and you’re standing over their graves, you tend to “talk” to them. No matter how much anyone else loves you in your life, nobody ever replaces your parents. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife or anything but it just feels good to “talk” to them, even if you’re really just talking to a bunch of dirt and grass.

I seemed to be okay and did well with the visit. However, later that day, I got a bit moody and pensive. It was the 17th anniversary of my father’s passing so I was feeling a little emotional about that too. I thought back to that day and where I was in my life (I was 17 years old) and look at where I am now and have mixed feelings. I think I’ve done well in my life so far. I have definitely accomplished some things – I finished my education, got a pretty good job and have a great DH (which is a vast improvement over the person I was dating 17 years ago – wow!). However, I also get critical of myself. I wonder if I’ve done well enough. I wonder if my parents would be happy with how I’ve turned out? I got into quite funk and ended up having a little cry while I was falling asleep that night. Crazy, I know. I recovered the next day and I’m okay now. It was just an emotional day. But I’m glad I went to the cemetery. Some people might say “don’t go if it upsets you” but I really like to visit, even once a year. Even though it upsets me a bit, I almost feel better after visiting.

On a lighter note...now that I teased you with a hint of what kind of person I was dating when I was 17, I have to share that story! I was dating this guy (we’ll call him “J”) for a week before my father died. J was a nice enough guy but I’m pretty sure my father dying was a bit much for him to handle. We were 17 years old and my father’s death was quite sudden and unexpected. When I called J to tell him about what happened, he really didn’t have much to say; I don’t think he knew what to say! Later that weekend, I called him to let him know of the visitation/funeral arrangements and he said something like “I can’t make it because I have school”. I wasn’t really bothered by this because I really had bigger issues on my mind.

We dated for a couple of months afterwards (only seeing each other now & then) and I finally decided it really wasn’t for me. On Christmas morning, I called J up from work. I offered to work that day – I worked part-time retail - and really, I didn’t mind. It got me out of the house on a difficult day. We wished each other a Merry Christmas. There was a slight pause and then I said something about wanting to break up and he agreed somehow. I wish I could remember the wording – it’s hilarious now that I think about it! Can you picture it? I must sound like a diabolical person – working on Christmas Day and calling up my boyfriend to break up over the phone within a matter 30 seconds in a curt and businesslike manner. Haha! Oh, I crack myself up somedays.

It still hurts somedays

2009-09-23T08:36:00.001-07:00

I had a bit of a bawl last night. I was in my old neighbourhood doing errands and ended up having a cry on the way home (great to do while you’re driving!). I also had a cry later at home.

I don’t go to my old neighbourhood very often because it’s out of the way from my home & work and I do get a bit emotional when I’m there. It’s like there are reminders of my mom everywhere: my family home, my old school, the places I took countless lessons (piano, ballet, skating… you name it, I took it), the park that my mom took me to every.single.day. every summer and my mom’s nursing home. Even the storekeepers knew my mom so when I run my errands, the stores even tug at my heart.

Somedays, I look at these places and smile, remembering how devoted my mom was to me. She didn’t drive a car so we walked or took transit to everything. My mom didn’t work so her whole life was taking care of me. My siblings are much older than me so I had my mom to myself ~ it was almost like being an only child. It’s no wonder I sometimes think that out of the three kids, I have taken her passing the hardest.

Other times, like last night, I get emotional looking at these places. I almost pulled into her nursing home’s parking lot last night just to sit there and bawl and “feel close to her”. Yes, I know she’s not there and this sounds insane but it’s the last place she was alive. However, I drove on. I think my upcoming birthday is a bit of a factor in emotions this week…I have a thing about birthdays as my readers know.

At home, my DH could see I wasn’t 100% and asked me what was going on. I didn’t want to get into it so I brushed it off but he kept asking. I finally told him what had happened and he really didn’t know what to say (which is probably why I didn’t tell him in the first place – he’s not very good at this stuff). DH is not the most sensitive person and at times, he can even be a little abrupt.

I tried really hard to explain my feelings to DH. DH was a bit insensitive at points like when I said I sometimes "feel alone" in the world because of my parents being gone and my siblings being distant. He said something rude like that I was just “being dramatic”. I said I wasn't "being dramatic" or looking for attention and that I truly feel that way somedays.

I don’t think DH gets it. He has his parents who call almost everyday. He has a sibling who is somewhat close (i.e. she’s at all holiday dinners at his parents). Since my mom died, my siblings have become more estranged than they were before for various reasons that could warrant their own blog. I speak to them occasionally and see them rarely but things are definitely AFU. I definitely feel like I no longer have family. One of my siblings tried to say that my DH is my family now. Hmmm… not sure I’m totally buying that. When I think of family, DH is not the only person.

Overall, I think I’ve been doing pretty well. I’m definitely doing better than I was last year and day-to-day, I’m okay. There are just somedays where I fall down and last night was one of them. My DH looked at me sometimes last night like I insane. I tried to explain that it hasn’t been 10 years…it’s only been over a year and yes, it still hurts somedays.

I had a dream...

2009-09-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

I had a really strange dream the other night. In my dream, I was sitting with my husband (who wasn’t really my husband – it was some other random person but in my thoughts, I was thinking it was my husband!). Anyways, it was evening time and we were chatting.

I was asking how his day at work was and he was giving vague answers. In my mind, I was panicking because I couldn’t remember what he did for a living. I was desperately trying to figure out what he did for a living before he caught on that I didn’t remember. It was freaky! My mind was racing and frantically trying to retrieve the information but it kept coming up blank. I kept asking him questions in hopes of getting a clue and to cover up that I didn’t know. I asked if anything different happened at work today (nope); if everyone was at work today (yep…was hoping for a name of a co-worker to help me); if he ate lunch today (hoping he’d mention where he ate lunch for a possible location clue).

I also looked at how he was dressed, if he had tools or a briefcase with him, the state of his hands (I thought he might be a mechanic at one point) and I tried to remember what hours he seemed to work. I woke up before I figured out what he did.

It was the weirdest dream I’ve had in a quite a while! I felt a bit startled by it. That must be how an Alzheimers patient must feel like when they’re in the early stages and trying to cover up their memory losses. My mom used to be quite clever about getting around things when she was confused…and that’s when I actually knew something was wrong with her. I wonder how long she had been operating like that before I caught on. I’m also thinking about the person not really being my husband in the dream… how it must be so confusing and scary to be sitting with someone when you aren’t quite sure how you’re related. My mom used to think I was her sister and my brother was her husband or her own brother (who was deceased for years). I was also forever a student in my mom’s mind ~ she was always asking how school was. Her Alzheimers became apparent when I was 17 so maybe that was the age range that she had me set at.

It was a scary little glimpse I had in this dream. As scary, frustrating and heartbreaking as it is for caregivers, it must be absolutely terrifying for the patients in the early stages when they’re still aware.

Our visiting hours are:

2009-07-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been putting off visiting the cemetery for a few months now.

My last visit was in September 2008. During the winter, I don’t find much point in going because it’s a bit far to travel and everything is covered in snow. The cemetery has flat headplates in the ground instead of headstones standing up so I don’t even know if I could find my parents in the winter!

I thought about going around Mother’s Day but pushed it off because the place becomes a zoo on “holidays” like that. Same with Father’s Day. I thought about going on the first anniversary of my mom’s passing but ended up getting so worked up about it that I didn’t go. And now I’ve been procrastinating for weeks about going. I’m not exactly sure why.

I want to go and visit but something is holding me back. I’ve been doing better these last few months and perhaps I’m just avoiding visiting? On a kind of related topic, I have to make a horrible confession. Sometimes, I used to make excuses to not visit my mom when she was in the nursing home. I think it was more than being a lazy & selfish person. I think it was my subconscious trying to save me from seeing my mom. I’d get all worked up about going to see her somedays, especially if our last visit wasn’t so positive. I wouldn’t stay away for long...maybe a week at most...but I’d feel so horribly guilty about it.

Another factor in this issue is that I’d like my DH to come to the cemetery with me. I often feel frustrated or “alone” that he doesn’t quite “get” what I’ve gone through and I like to try to expose him to this part of my life now and then. (He has NO IDEA that I blog…which is probably for the best because I am free to say whatever I feel on here and not worry about what he thinks!) My DH would rarely visit my mom at the nursing home with me. He would come with me if it was a holiday or an occasion but never for my regular visits. Not that I wanted him to come with me all the time, but a little support now and then would have been welcomed. Then again, my best friend never visited my mom with me during the whole six years that she was in care. I often invited her and she often said she’d love to come but the actual visits never happened. I know it’s hard to visit people in nursing homes. A bit of advice for people out there – try to go & support your friends or spouses when they have a loved one in care. You wouldn’t believe how much it would mean to them.

Sometimes, I felt sad or drained after visiting my mom and I’d come home to my DH who would ask about dinner or look for some “action”. Really!? Yes...but I don’t think he meant to come across as insensitive. I would have loved to come home to some dinner waiting for me (even takeout!) and/or have a little chat about how my visit was. I don’t think he meant to upset or hurt me by being the way he was; he’s just a guy’s guy, through & through.

So back to the original topic of this post: visiting the cemetery. I’m going to get there within the next few weeks. I bet my parents are dying to see me.

Still Alice

2009-06-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading the book Still Alice and I’m wondering if any of my fellow bloggers have read it? It was a good book but I found it very interesting (and confusing?) that the main character KNOWS that she has early-onset Alzheimers.

With my mom, she never realized that she had Alzheimers. She would have days where she would realize that things weren’t quite right or that she wasn’t thinking properly but she would never be able to tell someone (never mind REMEMBER) that she had Alzheimers.

I found it frustrating when people would ask me “how my mom felt about having Alzheimers”. I also found it really hard to explain why I couldn’t just sit down and chat with my mom about her condition and how she’d understand and everything would be better. I’d tell people that it does not work that way and they would look at me like I just wasn’t trying. My mom couldn’t remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago, never mind remember day-to-day that she had Alzheimers.

I read a blog once (can’t remember the blog’s name) where the person was “going to tell her mom tomorrow that she has Alzheimers and wish her luck” because she (the blogger) was moving away and leaving her mom on her own. WTF?! I was so floored by this entry that I wondered if the blogger wasn’t fully coherent either.

Over 16 years, of all the Alzheimers patients and caregivers that I’ve ever met or corresponded with, I’ve never heard of a patient who is fully cognizant of their condition and goes around telling people about it like they’re talking about the common cold. Can you imagine?!

“Gee, you missed your appointment this morning”
“Yep, must be that darn Alzheimers flaring up again”

This is the case for most of the story in Still Alice and I found it quite irritating to read. It gives people the wrong idea about Alzheimers. I won’t ruin the book for those who have not read it but by the end of the book, I thought to myself that it was a mild portrait of Alzheimers.

Is there something different about early-onset Alzheimers? Do they have a period of time where they comprehend and REMEMBER what they are facing? There was one early-onset Alzheimers patient at my mom’s first care facility and she was not aware of her condition. When I first met her, I thought she worked there because she was relatively young, still well dressed/accessorized and groomed very well but once you watched her for a few minutes, it became apparent that she was a resident.

What about my fellow bloggers? Did your parent ever know or realize they had Alzheimers? And when I say know/realize, did they remember it from day-to-day and fully understand what was going on (not just for a few minutes when you talked about it).

One Year

2009-06-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

It’s been a year today since my mom passed away. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed since that dreadful day. It seems like it was just yesterday sometimes as I can still hear every word of “the” call fresh in my mind. It still hurts like h*ll and I still tear up at just the thought of my mom.

I’ve been through many emotions this year, ranging from deep sadness to anger to guilt. I’ve been selfish and extremely needy at times. I’ve felt completely lost and withdrawn at other points.

Somedays I’m okay and that is becoming more of the norm. On other days, random memories, images, sounds, smells, tastes or whatever suddenly sneak up on me and I’m bawling my eyes out before I know it.

Is the anniversary any different or harder than any of the other 364 days? Yes, it is in a way because the date sticks in your mind and it’s a milestone. You’ve made it through an entire year which is quite an accomplishment. You’ve made it through all the meaningful dates of the whole year without your mom. All of the “firsts” are done. First Christmas, first Mother’s Day, first birthday (which I’ve always considered my “anniversary” of sorts with my mom, it’s the first day we met!)…I know when I lost my dad, the first year was definitely the hardest.

On the other hand, the anniversary isn’t as hard as other days. I know I’ve had much worse days than today. Just because today marks “ONE YEAR” on the calendar, doesn’t mean it’s the worst. I can think of a handful of other days in this past year that were way worse. There were days where I would cry so hard that my throat would be hoarse from wailing, I’d throw up and I’d have a full-on asthma attack. Those days were dark and horrible but I did feel a weight off my shoulders after letting all of that raw emotion flood out of me.

Two things have really helped me through this year. My close friends have been so caring, supportive and patient over many years, not just this year. I am thankful that I have them to lean on and to pick me up when I fall down. I wish I could say the same for my siblings. Blogging has also really helped me. I’ve found it extremely therapeutic to write about my experiences and hear from others going through similar situations. I am doing better overall but this situation was a long time in the making so the effects will be felt for some time… and some effects will be life-long.

An Update

2009-05-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

I’m writing to update my readers on the weird health situations. As someone who pored over blogs regarding Holter Monitors, Costochondritis and leg pain, I was always very happy to read updates and learn how things turned out for the bloggers. When there was no update I wondered if their health got worse or what happened!?

I went for the results of the 24 hour Holter Monitor this week and it turns out that it was completely normal (thank G*D). I have little skips here and there (like I did 8 years ago) but nothing above average. I teared up a bit (yes, I felt really silly but I couldn't help it) when my doctor told me this and he looked at me like I was completely nuts. I apologized and said I was relieved to hear that my heart was good because I felt rather stressed during the actual 24 hour monitoring period and for the last two weeks waiting on results. Again, the doctor looked at me like I was crazy and asked why I was stressed out about it. Um, gee, I don’t know...a few weeks ago, the mini ecg at the doctor’s office showed my heart had irregularities and was fibrillating (convulsing in English)??? Yeah, I don’t know why I felt stressed about this! Is it me or are doctors completely unsympathetic somedays? Anyways...he went on to say that my heart rate was 150 when the monitor was put on me at 9:30 a.m. and there was a little skip at that point. He also laughed a bit and said that the tape showed that I actually didn’t settle down till 5:46 a.m. that ~~night~~ morning when my heart rate came to a resting rate of 50 beats (which he noted was a little low but I was completely exhausted from stressing out all night and having 5 minute dozes instead of sleeping so perhaps I finally fell unconscious --- I’m kidding). No real explanation of why the mini ecg showed what it did except that it was a fluke (or the machine was broken??).

In other health news, I have completely cleared up my bizarre leg/calf pains. After what I went through last year with the pill, I instinctively stopped taking the birth control pill and the pain was gone within a few days. After two months of agonizing leg pain, it was gone. I reported this to my doctor and he shrugged saying that perhaps it was related. Oh, how I miss my regular doctor (she’s on mat leave). Somehow, I think female doctors are much more tuned into female issues.

Lastly, my costochondritis is continuing. Not as bad as a few weeks ago but still needing daily ice and anti-inflammatories. Some good news is that my regular chiropractor is back from mat leave (mat leave seems to be a trend among my doctors lately!). I went to see her immediately after the regular doctor this week (i.e. after I found out my heart wasn’t going to explode). Luckily, my chiropractor has experienced costochondritis herself so she knew exactly what I was going through. She concurred that costochondritis does feel like your entire chest and ribs are broken and that you are having a heart attack. She ended up going to the emergency department with her costochondritis even though she logically knew that it wasn’t her heart. It was great to hear that even medically-knowledgeable people freak out sometimes! My DH is a bit skeptical about the whole costochondritis thing…he doesn’t realize how painful it is and almost seems to think it’s a “made up” thing or that I’m being wimpy...ha ha, says the kettle to the pot. DH has been nursing a sore elbow for months now and I’ve been the utmost sympathetic to him!

So, overall, things have worked out, thankfully. It’s really quite scary when you have health issues going on and I am very lucky that things are working out. I hope this entry helps others who are going through any of these issues; I know that I appreciated other bloggers who wrote about their experiences!

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Update on costochondritis as of July 1/09: much, much better. I am amazed how long this took to clear up. It started around April 1 and I am only now feeling "normal". THREE MONTHS?!!? Yes, it's true. I am only now able to do proper, full workouts at the gym. I read other places that costochondritis can last anywhere from days to 6 months.

Bread & Onions

2009-05-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think it’s time for a fluff post so I’m going to write about this funny thing happening in my backyard – yes, literally in my backyard!

Earlier this spring, I kept finding bread in my backyard. I’m pretty sure it was from raccoons dropping it as they were passing through but I would think they’d pick it back up. We’re not talking a little piece of Wonder bread either. We’re talking huge, honking crusty loaves of bread! So large that I saw a squirrel try to pick one up and he almost fell over. I found bread about 4 times and then it stopped.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed our lawn was starting to grow back from our miserable winter. Sprinkled throughout the lawn, there were larger blades of grass that looked different so I pulled on one. It wasn’t grass. It was green onions! WTH?!?! How do we have green onions randomly growing in our lawn? We don’t have any green onions growing in our backyard and neither do our neighbours. Is this some kind of divine sign? Are we receiving some sort of coded message from God? Heh heh heh.

For fun, I looked up what bread and onions symbolize:

Bread - The Lord's Prayer contains the line “Give us today our daily bread”; here, “bread” is commonly understood to mean necessities in general. In Egyptian the word for bread means literally “life”.

Onions - The Ancient Egyptians worshipped the onion, believing that its spherical shape and concentric rings symbolized eternal life.

So I can summarize that the mysterious appearance of bread and onions in my backyard means we are receiving is “life”???

Happy 100th Birthday to Me

2009-05-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

I’m becoming a hypochondriac.

I‘ve been debating with myself about writing on this topic because some people just wouldn’t believe the weird stuff that has been going on with me health-wise and I’m beginning to feel like a hypochondriac. However, I’ve found myself reading other people blogs about health in an effort to find real-life experiences. I know that blogs aren’t substitutes for real medical advice or facts but it is oddly comforting to hear other people’s experiences (one of my main reasons for starting this blog was to share my experience of having a parent with Alzheimers!). I also find that if I read the “real” medical sites too much, I end up freaking myself out way too much!

In late January, we got new workstations at work. This new desk threw my back out (I’ve had back issues in the past so it’s not hard to tick my back off!). In mid-March, I went to the chiropractor to get my back adjusted as it got that painful.

After a few chiropractor visits, I found my back was feeling better but I had an odd sensation in my chest. It felt exactly like I had a cool (as in temperature) medal or large coin resting on top of my left breast. It was freaky. I poked around at it and found a point near my collarbone that was painful if I pressed on it. It was also a bit hard to breathe but that could have been unrelated as I have allergies and it’s spring. I was also feeling weird aches and pains in my calves. I was taking Advil and using a hot or cold compress constantly.

After about a week of this, I went to see my family doctor (who’s on mat leave so it was a replacement). He listened to my heart, took my blood pressure and poked around. He advised that he thought it was costochondritis (or chest inflammation in English) most likely caused by my back issues creeping over my shoulder and around my ribs. He also ordered an ecg and chest x-ray just to be sure but those results would take a while. Of course, the doctor’s office has that “we’ll call you if we need to follow up” policy which drives me nuts. I’d like a call either way just because I worry about my file being misplaced or misfiled.

Another week went by with similar symptoms and no phone call from the doctor’s office so I thought I’d book a follow-up with my doctor. The first available appointment was in a month. YES, A MONTH – Canada apparently has a shortage of family doctors. I booked it but was feeling really frustrated. I imagined that I’d go to this appointment in a MONTH and get more testing ordered and end up dragging this out forever. I wanted answers now because I was in pain and worried but didn’t feel like I warranted a trip to the emergency room.

Totally frustrated with the health system, I decided to take matters into my own hands. My employer has a contract with a private medical office where you can go get checked out head-to-toe for a fee which you can get deducted off your paycheque in reasonable amounts. I booked an appointment and went to this place. By then, the sensation in my chest had moved down and centre a bit and my ribs were a bit sore. My calves were continuing to ache. They ran a bunch of tests on me and found absolutely nothing. They diagnosed my chest pain as costochondritis and shrugged at my leg pain. Other than that, NOTHING. I was the picture of health.

In the meantime, I had kept that follow-up appointment with my doctor booked. It was another 3 weeks away but I thought I’d keep it just in case. Thank goodness I did. My chest and calves were continuing to have pain and ache like crazy. I deducted that perhaps it was the birth control pill causing the leg pain because of the havoc it caused last year with my blood pressure and it’s the only medication that I’m on. I am on a different pill this time but maybe my body just isn’t agreeing with the pill in general anymore after so many years.

The doctor opens our visit with “so you got my message that I needed to see you?” Umm…no? Turns out reception was supposed to call me for a follow-up appointment but saw that I was already booked so left it. Nice. Anyways, he goes on to say that there were some irregularities in my ecg from the last time I was there and he’d like me to go on a 24 hour Holter monitor to look into this further. I said I did this years ago in 2001 when the Dr (who is on mat leave right now) thought she heard something odd during my yearly checkup. It turned out to be nothing huge...my heart skips or flutters now & then and it's ok. It’s also interesting that no irregularities showed up at the private clinic but that’s the way irregularities go…it’s sometimes hard to catch them on tape. This Dr said would like me to do it again as things change. UGH!!!!!

Regarding the achy legs: nothing conclusive. The Dr thinks the birth control pill may be the cause (you know how that thing might cause everything under the sun) but is not 100% sure. He said of course I could go off the pill again or change to something else but we'll discuss that again when I come in for results of 24 hour Holter monitor.

I felt quite frustrated about this appointment afterwards. Not only did they not call me (which is something I'm always thinking could happen) but I seem to be repeating a test from 8 yrs ago and even though it's probably the same thing again, it's still freaking me out.

This past weekend, I wore the 24 hour Holter monitor and I’m sure my anxiety level about the whole thing must have screwed up the readings. I barely slept overnight and could feel that I was all worked up to the point that I could feel myself pulsing. Now I have to wait 2 weeks for the results to be read by the hospital and for my doctor to see them (I booked the follow-up right away this time knowing that it’s impossible to get an appointment).

In the meantime, my back pain has subsided but my chest is still bugging me a bit. You wouldn’t believe how much pain this apparent costochondritis causes. I was convinced at some points that I was having a heart attack because the pain was so bad. Now I just seem to have really odd discomfort in my lower left ribs and abdomen which I ice every evening. Sometimes, it feels like things are out of place in that area (I know that sounds weird but it’s the only way I can describe it).

I’ve been considering stopping the birth control pill but this past week confirmed that idea. I started feeling pins and needles in the side of my face and could literally feel my pulse in my head (no, I was not hung over!)….and was overall just feeling SOOOO crappy with no apparent reason. So, I’ve stopped taking the birth control pill and the aching in my legs has definitely gotten a bit better. The pins and needles haven’t come back but I’m still feeling rather “pulsy” where I can almost feel myself pulsing. I know it’s only been 5 days but I also noticed last month that my calves stopped aching when I was on my period (when you don’t take pills). Weird eh?

So I hope this entry reaches someone who has gone through or is currently going through some weird health issues. Over the past while, I’ve felt like I’m 100 years old. I’ve had the most bizarre aches & pains and you can often find me in bed by 9 pm most nights with an ice or heat pack and Advil. I feel like such a hypochondriac and I often say I’m okay to friends or family because I don’t want them thinking I’m nuts. But here on my blog, I tell it like it is!

Mother’s Day

2009-05-11T13:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day without my mom. It was hard. Like any “first” that I’ve experienced in this past year, I mostly got through the day by just pretending it was an ordinary day. A few times it hit me and I got a bit teary-eyed but overall, I think I did well.

Until this year, I never really noticed just how much advertising goes on for Mother’s Day in the couple of weeks leading up to it. I think that bugged me more than the day itself.

I saw one of my siblings for lunch which was okay. The other one was too busy with his/her life which was a bit sad to me. In a perfect world, it would have been nice if the 3 kids could have acknowledged the day together somehow but hey, we’re talking about my dysfunctional group so what did I expect!? We didn’t function properly for Easter either so why be normal for Mother’s Day?

DH & I went to see his parents for dinner and it was okay. Truthfully, I didn’t really want to go. In ways, I felt like I was disrespecting my mom by “celebrating” the day with DH’s mom. I know that sounds a bit nutty but it’s true.

I considered visiting the cemetery on the weekend but decided to postpone it for another weekend. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day at the cemetery are insane. I’ve been there on Father’s Day before and it was just a zoo. You get no privacy for your visit and the place is just way overcrowded. They actually hire police to direct traffic in and out of the cemetery – that’s how bad it gets.

Today at work, many people were discussing how their Mother’s Days were and around noon, I wished I had taken the day off like I had thought about. I realize people lose track of who’s parents are alive so I didn’t take huge offense to people asking me what I did for Mother’s Day but ugh it felt horrible answering. Thank G*D this day is over.

Ring Ring

2009-04-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Another blog inspired me to write this entry. It’s amazing how I haven’t thought about this aspect of my mom’s illness in a while. Reading entries about Alzheimers patients and phones made me remember and want to comment…my comment looked way too long so it ended up becoming an entry on my own blog.

In the first 10 years of my mom’s illness, the phone sometimes played quite a role. In the early years, she'd call me and my siblings up to 15-20 times per day combined (not kidding). This was despite the fact that we’d regularly call her during the day to check in. We had a large-print phone list of important numbers beside the phone for her, including emergency for fire/police/ambulance. Thank G*D she never had to use and never abused that number.

One of my siblings finally got so fed up with the calls that he took a black marker and crossed out his work number. I could kind of understand the frustration he was feeling but at the same time, I felt that was pretty harsh as he was the one she most trusted. My mom was still living at home so she was completely on her own all day and needed these lifelines as she strongly rejected any sort of help/visitors we tried to bring in.

At the time (the early 90's), I was at school full time and only had a pager (cell phones were still rare & expensive). My mom would call my pager and leave a message and I'd have to retrieve the message and then call her back using a pay phone. My pager had the option of just inputting a number for call-back but my mom couldn’t understand that so she left messages. I should have bought a coin dispenser to wear with the number of pages I got/calls I had to make. Fellow students must have thought I was a drug dealer.

The calls were like the weather; somedays were good, other days were terrible. On good days, my mom might call once or twice and be happy to hear that I’d be home soon to make her dinner. On bad days, she’d call many, many times and be quite confused, angry and upset.

Then, there were the days when she wouldn’t call at all (which were almost more alarming) and there would be no answer when I’d call her. Quite often, she’d be chatting with one of the neighbours (whom she still recognized and loved to chat with) or at the local store which wasn’t far (those were very early days when she could still venture that far and not get lost). The worst were days when she didn’t answer and it would be a snowstorm outside…I’d start panicking. If I couldn’t reach her for a few hours, I’d leave school to go home and 9 out of 10 times, I’d find her at home. She would have no recollection of the phone ringing or where she’d been. There were a few times though that she wasn’t home and had wandered off and that was a big part of the reason we finally had to decide to put her in care.

While still living at home, my mom forgot our home address and phone number at some point and I thought that was information that would be lost forever. I found it amazing that she could forget information that was the exact same for 40 years. However, one day, months after we had placed mom in care, she called our home phone number (it was still operating for a few months while we decided what to do with the house/etc). It was both sad and haunting to hear her talk into the answering machine. She just kept saying “hello” and then hung up. I wonder what she called for.

p.s. pull over - seconds can save

2009-03-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while! I haven’t been writing much because I don’t seem to have much to write about (which is good in ways!).

One thing that I thought was blog-worthy was my neighbour’s passing a couple of weeks ago. He was a nice old guy who worked till the day he died (literally – he took the bus everyday an hour to a shopping mall where he worked as a tailor just to keep himself active).

He & his wife have lived across the street from our house for a million years. In fact, they lived there when our side of the block was a factory. They’re a nice old couple who waved and made conversation with us (as much as we could with our different languages). My DH shovels their snow in the winter and we generally look out for them.

I noticed something was up a few Friday’s ago when I was going out to work in the morning and saw that their 3 adult kid’s cars were parked in front of their house. At 8:00 am on a Friday? Hmm.

When I got home from work, they were still there so I knew something had happened. I wasn’t sure whether I should go over or let them have their space and privacy so I peeked across the street now & then. The occasional person would come out and stand on the porch for fresh air (or a smoke!) and stare off looking very sad. Oh my heart broke for them as I recognized what they were going through. I remember the day my father died was horrible and the empty & sick feeling that went along with it. The first parent to die is always quite shocking as it's new territory. Later in the evening, I finally went upstairs to stop watching the scene and making myself sad. I avoid sad movies and songs at all costs just because I can’t seem to take them but here I am glued to the front window like some cat watching a bird outside.

The next day, I finally asked one of the kids and he confirmed that his dad had passed away. I almost said “Welcome to Club O” but stopped myself.

Later that day, I brought some flowers and a card over to the house where I was greeted by the wife of the man and another kid. The wife spoke rapidly in her language which was instantaneously translated by the kid. It was almost like verbal subtitles! She said it was her husband’s 77th birthday that week and they were planning on a family party that weekend but instead they were having his funeral. I had to hold myself back from crying with her. I looked at this woman and saw how my mom must have looked to other people when my father died. She looked so sad, scared and alone. The kids looked so sad and unsure of what to do. I looked at the kids and felt great sadness for them, wondering if their mom would become like my mom did. I have noticed over the years that their mom had been a bit “off” here & there. Nothing huge, just subtle actions that I noted might be early signs of dementia. For example, she would act a bit strangely towards us somedays (when we’ve been nothing but friendly & helpful) and her husband would shake his head and try to cover up her behaviour.

It’s funny how sad I felt while watching this family’s tragedy unfold across the street. I think it’s something that once you’ve been through it, the “feeling” sticks with you so when you see a similar scene, you are flooded with memories. It’s the same when I see emergency vehicles on their way to a call. Between my father & my mother, I’ve had to call for help and ride in more ambulances than the average person. When I see the flashing lights and hear the sirens, I feel very mildly sick and panicked for a moment because I know the feeling of helplessness while waiting for help to arrive. Your parent is having his/her 1st, 2nd or 3rd heart attack or lying dead in your living room (I experienced all of the above by age 17!) and you’re just praying for the ambulance to get there and take over. Or you’re riding in the back of the ambulance with your parent and just wanting to get to the hospital. It’s probably the reason I get so angry at drivers who don’t pull over and let emergency vehicles by when they’re wailing along…every second counts as it could literally mean life or death.

Wow, what started as a short post became quite a therapy session! It’s amazing how things subconsciously stick with you after traumatic life events and how other people’s tragedies can trigger things, such as a blog entry!

I’m back

2009-03-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hello readers! I’m back. I enjoyed my trip with my DH immensely. It was perfect weather, a nice resort and a great beach. I was in the ocean everyday as long as I could be; I find the ocean very therapeutic and almost healing in some weird way. It’s amazing how much difference a holiday can make in your life and well being.

It was my first real holiday since my mom passed and it was completely different than any holiday before: I didn’t have the anxiety, worry and guilt that I used to carry. I didn’t hit the ceiling every time the hotel room phone rang. I didn’t sit on the beach and worry about being unreachable. I didn’t have crazy thoughts tormenting me about what was happening back home. For the first time in my adult life, I felt free. I even thought to myself “I could stay another week and not have any guilt or worry. Nobody is dependent on me anymore”. It’s almost like I’ve had a child for the past 16 years and now I’m experiencing the freedom that most young adults usually experience. Now, of course, I feel horribly guilty about saying these things because I feel like I’m saying that my mom was a burden or something. That’s not the case and I would give anything to still have her with me and I never begrudge anything I ever did for her. I’m just trying to honestly describe how I felt on holiday.

Of course, I had a few “moments” on the holiday. In ways, the freedom was a bit overwhelming, bittersweet and sad so I had a few teary moments by myself during the week. It’s weird having someone NEED you for so long and then to not have that anymore. Sometimes while I was wading in the ocean, I would stare off into the horizon and think about the years and all that has happened. I have regrets about some things but overall, I think I did the best I could. The one main thing that I regret most is running out of patience with my mom somedays but when you’re knee-deep in the situation, you can’t help but crack sometimes. I also lament that my siblings are completely whacked but I don’t think I can really help that situation.

I also had a horrendous nightmare about my mom one night on holiday that still gives me the shivers. I dreamt that my mom had passed away and my sibling & I had to transport her body (long side-story going on in the dream about the funeral home & why we had to transport ourselves). Anyways...we put mom’s body in the car in the backseat with me so I could keep my arm across her as a seatbelt. We were driving along (backwards, for some unknown reason) when my mom opened her eyes and started talking to me. It was terrible. She was saying words and phrases that mostly didn’t make any sense (for those who watch Battlestar Galactica, think of the Hybrid in the resurrection tub). I was bawling my eyes out, freaking out and at the same time, feeling grateful for these moments to say good-bye to her, which is something I never did in real life. She called me the pet name that she used to call me and then I woke up. I’ve actually had a few nightmares like that over the past 8 months. It’s amazing how graphic and real dreams can be.

So...back to normal day-to-day life. Dare I say that I’m feeling a bit better these days? Ok, let’s not get crazy. I’m not over-the-top and ready to write a sequel to The Secret but I’m doing a bit better. I think the combination of time, more daylight and a much-needed vacation have helped me along a bit. I’m sure I’ll still have bad days now & then but I’m pretty sure I’m rounding a corner in my journey.

A mid winter getaway

2009-01-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

DH and I have planned a winter getaway in February to the tropics. I am really looking forward to this. We usually go away every winter except for last year when my instincts told me to stay home because my mom’s time was running out. Turns out my instincts were off by 4 months but I think that’s pretty good considering it was something that was in the works for 16 years.

I’m going to say some really horrible things next. I’ll try to ease the selfishness of my statements by first saying that I miss my mom terribly and would give anything to still have her here (better yet, have her here in GOOD health). However, here we go... I am looking forward to going on my first vacation of my adulthood without worrying. I used to go on vacation and constantly worry about my mom. I had care in place for my mom when I would go away but I’d still worry. I would never completely relax. I’d be waiting for that phone call. I’d dream that something was wrong. I’d be sitting on a beach worrying that I was not immediately reachable and want to go back to the hotel room to ensure there were no calls. I’d just about jump out of my skin if/when the phone rang in the hotel room. It was a heavy mixture of worry, guilt & fear and it was very hard to carry.

I should backtrack a bit...this isn’t the first time I’ve been away since my mom passed. DH & I went away for a few days in the summer to another province to visit some of his extended family. (Trust me, it was no vacation!) It was a lot of visiting with extended family and some sight-seeing. I bring this trip up because I just about had a mini panic attack the night before we left. It was the first time I was going away since my mom passed away. I felt anxious and like I was missing something. Usually, the day before a trip, I’d spend time with my mom, ensure her care was in place and fret non-stop. I ended up calling a good friend to chat because I was so wound up. I’m hoping this coming trip will be different. In fact, I know it will be. It’s almost a good thing that I had this little “test-run” of a getaway in the summer!

I’ve been reading reviews of the resort we’re going to on Tripadvisor (love that site!) and it looks pretty good. Of course, there’s always the complainers who whine about the silliest things and don’t seem to realize that they’re at a resort down south, not a luxury resort in North America. My DH’s mother would be one of those people. I cringe to think of her writing a review for anywhere. You should hear her go on about my city (even though she lives in the country). If you didn’t know any better, you would be convinced the city is the most dangerous, overcrowded, expensive and horrible place in the world. She boasts that she used to live here (when in fact, she stayed in a suburb of the city for about 2 weeks when she was younger and couldn’t hack it). I have actually lived right in the city for over 30 years and absolutely love it. So remember when you’re reading trip reviews, it’s all in the eye of the beholder and that beholder could be someone like my DH’s mother!

Vacation, here I come!

Taking a Walk in Winter

2009-01-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

On January 31, I’ll be participating in a province-wide fundraiser for Alzheimers which I have participated in every year since 2000. The funds raised go to Alzheimer organizations that provide information to patients/their families, run support groups and fund research. It’s a great event that raises hundreds of thousands of dollars for an excellent cause. This year is especially moving for me, now that my mom has passed on.

The event itself is a walk-a-thon that takes place indoors in large malls or arenas (ie there are many walks going on simultaneously throughout the province). Many participants bring their loved ones who are suffering from Alzheimers to the walk – it’s nice & safe as it’s (1) indoors so it’s climate controlled (2) is clearly lit and has dry & level walking surfaces (3) is wheelchair accessible (4) has plenty of washrooms (very important as you know!) and (5) the organizers have TONS of volunteers so all possible exits or “off route” areas are guarded to avoid any “run-aways”! In fact, some nursing homes have teams and bring big groups of patients!

I never took my mom to the Walk because she didn’t do well in crowds. She’d get flustered and I think it would be too overwhelming for her (especially the big opening/closing ceremonies – it gets pretty loud). My mom also had a heart condition so walking was limited and stress was to be avoided. But for others, they seem to enjoy it or just be oblivious to the chaos.

My sibling has joined me on the Walk for a few years now and it’s funny (in a sad way) for us to see all the patients. We point out different patients saying “oh, there’s a mom” because they have similar habits or expressions that our mom used to have. It’s sad to sometimes see the vacancy in their eyes though. Some have no idea what is going on or where they are. On the other hand, it’s nice to see the ones that are happily unaware of things and walk along smiling; enjoying the crowds and free samples from sponsors (you end up with a bag of pens, notepads, key chains…you name it!).

I’m looking forward to the Walk this year – it’s a bit of a milestone for me. I remember the first Walk I participated in was in the year 2000...the first year that I definitely knew my mom was suffering from Alzheimers after years of being told “she’s just getting old” or “she just misses Dad”. I went to the Walk by myself (despite my siblings still being in a bit of denial) and found hundreds of people, just like me & my mom. I highly recommend to all my readers with Alzheimers patients to look into events like this in their area – you won’t regret it!

A New Year

2009-01-13T07:30:00.001-08:00

The First Noel has come & gone and I survived. It was pretty hard at some points and I had a couple of good cries. I think most of my survival can be attributed to distracting myself. If I thought “it’s Christmas” or “it’s New Years” then I got sad and started thinking about my mom. Instead, I just ignored what occasion it was and pretended it was just another day. Kind of like numbing myself to what was actually going on. Perhaps not the healthiest strategy but it got me through my First Noel. However, I did catch myself a few times thinking back to the first Christmas after my father passed away and how empty it felt, just like this year.

I hosted what’s left of my dysfunctional family on the 25th and got through it. I think the only reason I put a tree or any decorations up was for the children in the family. I didn’t want them to feel my sadness. It was quite an effort for me this year but I felt they shouldn’t suffer just because we’ve lost our matriarch and the family is a bunch of dysfunctional tools.

I seemed to have most of my teary moments before the holidays though. I pretty well avoided talking about the holidays at work and tried to avoid going to/partaking in any holiday gatherings. If I did get forced to go (e. g. the company luncheon) I strategically sat in the middle of coworkers from my workgroup so they would sit & talk to others about their jolly holiday plans. This way, I was insulated by people who would carry on the insane chatter so I wouldn’t have to. I just couldn’t do it without feeling like I was going to choke up. I couldn’t carry on mindless small-talk conversations with people and I cringed every time I heard “so, what are your plans for the holidays?” in some annoying chipper tone. I couldn’t be bothered faking any happiness. I just kept thinking how I’d like to sleep through the holidays and not deal with any of it. I can’t tell you how happy I was to finish my last day at work in 2008 and go home. Actually, I can’t tell you how happy I was to see January 2 so that meant the holidays were over and we could get back to “normal” life.

I slept a lot during my time off. I must have really needed it. I would sleep 10 hours at night and then have a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. Plus, when you sleep, you don’t hurt. It’s a good way to pass time when your heart is hurting. In my awake time, I’d watch tv. It was really nice to have this recovery-type of time. My DH was right into it too. He was quite happy to be a couch potato with me.

2008 was quite a year and it’s weird to think it’s over. It’s weird to think my mom passed away LAST YEAR. Someone mentioned to me how the wheels of time don’t stop no matter what happens and sometimes you get caught off guard how time keeps going without you when you get so consumed by something. This same person said their spouse is very depressed, anxious and needs to change the way he handles things but sometimes people are scared of any changes. It would mean letting go of the grief or whatever has a hold on them. That way of living has become normal to them and life without it would feel empty. I think that’s probably what I went through for the first few months without my mom. She was always front and centre on my mind for the 16 years that she was sick so it’s taking quite a while to get adjusted to life without her. I think I’m doing better though!

In other news, this week also marks my one year anniversary of blogging. I officially started blogging in January 2008 (yes, I have one entry before that which I imported to give some history). I have to say I’ve found my first year of blogging very therapeutic. I’ve released a lot of stress, sadness, anxiety, information and some happiness through this wonderful activity and met some really nice people along the way! I’ve also read other blogs and found great comfort in them. I hope others have enjoyed reading my blog too.

The First Noel

2008-12-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

I’ve been a bit quiet on my blog lately as I’ve been really busy at work and also moved workstations at work (and have NO privacy whatsoever now!). I’ve also been quiet because I’ve been feeling a bit down about Christmas and New Year’s.

I’m not into Christmas this year. I feel blah and very indifferent about the whole thing. I don’t mean to be a downer but the first Christmas after a parent passes is quite depressing. I remember the first Christmas after my dad died – it was horrible.

I’ve been avoiding and/or laying really low at work functions just to avoid the annoying chit-chat that goes along with them (i.e. “so, what are your plans for Christmas?”). I’d like to answer “I’d like to go to bed on December 24 and wake up on December 26”. But that won’t happen so I’ll just soldier on.

I’ve been feeling sad and my eyes have been welling with up tears for a couple weeks now so I finally had a little cry on the weekend. My siblings are still as dysfunctional as ever and my DH’s family is still gluttonous and ignorant as ever – remember last year? I'd be surprised if any of his family actually takes a moment to ask me how I'm doing. I think if my siblings were normal and we had some semblance of a family left, that perhaps I wouldn’t feel so alone and sad somedays.

As for New Year’s, I think DH & I are just going to spend it at home. It’s weird, I feel very odd about the upcoming year. It’s almost a mix of relief that 2008 is over since it’s the year my mom passed away so it’s good for the year to physically change on the calendar but also...hmm...not sure what my other emotion is. It’s tough to describe. It’s almost a fear of “letting go” of 2008? A fear of moving on? I had a similar emotion when the seasons changed in the fall. It’s the passing of a milestone and realizing how fast time moves somedays.

I'm welling up again just writing this so I'm going to finish this post off. Thank you for reading in 2008 and I'll be back after the New Year ~ citygirl.

Grocery Store Frozen Lasagna

2008-12-02T09:58:00.001-08:00

Since when is it cool to serve grocery store frozen lasagna to guests when they drive a freeking long way to your house (2.5 hours one way) for dinner?

This has happened to me twice in the past couple of months (2 different hosts) and I just don't get it. Sure, it's nice to spend time with the hosts instead of them slaving away in the kitchen making a gourmet dinner but at least buy a decent lasagna. These crappy grocery store things are just pushing the tacky envelope a bit.

I usually reserve these type of lasagnas for nights that I work late and I'm too lazy to make dinner at home (and it's just for me & DH). Or a group of friends and I used to make them for a weeknight dinner together so we could catch up and have yummy drinks instead of cooking which was fun.

BUT. When people drive a long way to come to your house at your request, please resist thinking this is acceptable!

Let it go

2008-12-01T08:12:00.001-08:00

So remember this? Yep. I consider myself a slightly intelligent person yet I ended up in a similar situation this weekend. Why can't I learn?!

Long, silly story so I'll try to give you the reader's digest version. On Saturday, DH and I had to drive 2.5 hours (each way) to his relatives house to visit. On the way there, we ran into a few frustrating situations. You know how somedays just don't start smoothly and the rest of the day seems to keep going that way?

Later in the evening, I teased DH about our earlier frustrations in front of his relatives (because I thought enough time had passed that we could laugh them off). Nope. It just set him off all over again. WOW. I wish I could go back and tell myself to ix-nay the teasing and just sit quietly. DH & I ended up having a little spat right there in front of his family. Nice. I wished I could have just disappeared into thin air.

When I look at this situation overall and trace back to what started the day off wrong, it seems ridiculous that by the evening, DH & I were squabbling about it. I think we were both tired, not thrilled with driving 5 hours in one day for a visit (don't even suggest staying over - we'd prefer to drive home) and yes, I ultimately bugged DH enough that he snapped at me (I admit, I was being a bit mean and annoying). I have got to learn when to LET THINGS GO.

While I'm blogging about this, I want to take this one step further. On Sunday, I felt terribly guilty and sad about how our day on Saturday went. To the point of wanting my mother's comforting pat on my shoulder and the ability to sit and cry to her. GOD, I MISS HER on days like this.

As I've written about before, since my mother passed, I sometimes feel that I'm less patient, more irritable, grumpy, negative and more argumentative about stupid things. It's been six months tomorrow since my mom passed and overall, I think I'm doing better but I still catch myself somedays and think "why am I acting this way? I can feel myself being a bit of a jerk". It's almost like I can't help it but at the same time, I am aware of my behaviour.

The people who suffer are my friends, my family and most of all, my DH. Sure, he's not perfect (nobody is) but I know he takes the brunt of me and I feel so bad about that. I don't like how I act somedays and what results from it. I want to be pleasant to be around and fun again (side note to one reader: don't worry, I'm not going to go all "The Secret" on you). But really, I'm going to try to get myself out of this rut and when a scene starts going south, I'm going to remember to take a breath before proceeding.

Trust

2008-11-26T10:51:00.001-08:00

After writing my last post, I started thinking about how that year affected me in the long term. The word "trust" came to mind.

I've never been an overly trusting person (my cultural background is known to be a suspicious bunch of people!). But after the year 2000, I became quite distrustful. After the being dumped by my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years (read here), I felt very unsure of myself and other people. When your life partner (or so you thought!) deceives you and you're suddenly on your own, you do a lot of soul searching for moments that you feel you should have "clued in". I found quite a few of these and kicked myself for not seeing them before.

Fast forward to today...I feel like I am overly aware of things. Honnestly, I don't think I really trust anyone in my life absolutely 100%. Even people in my life who I should be able to trust 100%...I don't. So sad, isn't it? But I guess it's a self-preservation tool. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice...

The other turning point

2008-11-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my earlier post that I had another turning point in the year 2000 and I didn't want to leave my readers hanging ;)

The same week that I met my friend P. for the first time is the same week that my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years ("T") broke up with me. It was one of the most devastating moments in my personal life.

We had been together since highschool and we were planning on moving in together in the near future/once I got care for my mom settled. T had started his own business and I was in full support of his dreams, thinking that one day it would be our business that would support us and our future family. I often paid for things, knowing that T was scraping by, trying to get the business up & running. I didn't mind. I figured it was all an investment in our future together.

Then, one day, T broke if off with me, out of the blue. There was no reason or forewarning. It was just out of the blue. I barely functioned for months; it was just more than I could handle in my already emotionally exhausted state. I cried so many tears that I didn't think I had any more. I sat by the phone thinking he'd call and want to come back. I'd call him sometimes and beg & plead to let me know what had gone wrong. He didn't have much to say. His own mother, his family and friends were completely shocked and called me asking what had happened as they weren't getting any answers from him.

My poor mom...she was still somewhat with it somedays and could see that I was not okay. She could sense my heartbreak & sadness and would comfort me and let me bawl to her about T. But then the next day she'd forget about what happened and ask me "when is T coming over? Aren't you seeing him tonight?".

A couple months passed and one of T's associates from his field called me one day. Their annual year-end dinner had taken place that weekend and the associate was shocked to find some "fluzy" as T's date that night instead of me. That's when I started to piece things together. Fluzy? Sounded like a perfect description of his neighbour. But wait, she lives with her long-time boyfriend. It dawned on me that there was a lot more going on than I knew.

I waited outside T's apartment one night and when he got home, I confronted him. I said "after 7 1/2 years, I at least deserve the truth". He told me the painful truth: he had hooked up with his neighbour (yes, the fluzy) and she had broken up with her boyfriend and they were now living together.

Words cannot describe how I felt after hearing that. I was still hurt and in a terrible state but I was also oddly relieved to hear the truth. At last, this mess made some sense. It's very difficult to move on or heal when you're living in the dark, not knowing what happened. At least with the truth (as hard as it is to hear) you have something to work with.

So that was my September in the year 2000. It was a month that I'll probably never forget. I turned 25, confirmed my mom had Alzheimers and got dumped by my highschool/college sweetheart out of the blue.

Now that it's been 8 years, I can look back and know that things happened for a reason and for the best. Eventually, we got my mom assessed and got her in to the care that she needed. And eventually, I saw that T did me a big favour by breaking things off. The following year, after the breakup, I met my DH and began to see how I was just settling for T and he wasn't the best for me. It's amazing how much sense things make in retrospect! So the moral of this story? When you're having a hard time and things just seem to be falling apart, know that years from now, you'll be able to look back and make some sense of all of it and hopefully be in a better place overall.

It was the year 2000...

2008-11-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

I went out for dinner last night with someone I met on the internet. It's not what you're thinking. I met this person online 8 years ago (the internet wasn't quite what it is today) on an Alzheimers chatboard. When I think back to how the internet was then, it might as well have been in DOS - it was so primitive!

It was the year 2000 and my mom had been sick for about 8 years already. Her symptoms were showing more frequently and I was starting to get quite worried (and a little bit insane myself!). She showed general paranoia, being uncharacteristically aggressive sometimes, forgetfulness and very poor day-to-day life skills (she didn't shop, cook, clean or care about her personal hygiene anymore). I had been living with my mom on my own for 6 years at that point and knew something was wrong - much more wrong than "she's getting old and forgetful and misses Dad" as my absent siblings used to preach.

I had started researching Alzheimers which didn't seem to be as widely known about back then* and came across my city's Alzheimers Society's website. I read the materials which basically confirmed my fears but I wanted to talk to someone real (and not an operator at a 1-800 number...someone who was actually going through what I was experiencing). That's when I visited the chatboard on the site and found my friend, P.

P. and I chatted back and forth for a while about what we were going through. She was going through exactly what I was experiencing. It was such a relief to talk to someone like this! Eventually, we disclosed to each other where we were located in the city and found that we worked/lived near each other. We made plans to meet for dinner one night in September 2000... what a chance I felt I was taking. But it was a chance I was willing to take because this person was giving me a beacon of light in some of the darkest days that I can remember. This person might turn out to be a homicidal maniac but I figured s/he wouldn't kill me at a public restaurant!

We met and P. turned out to be completely normal and an amazing person. We talked for hours about our moms, Alzheimers and a little bit about our lives in general. We shared stories about what our moms do on a daily basis (classic tales!) and how exhausted and devastated we felt sometimes. It felt so good to find a real person who confirmed all the things that go on in the early phases of Alzheimers. The year 2000 was a turning point: I had confirmed for myself that my mom had Alzheimers. It would be almost another year before my siblings were convinced and we got mom properly assessed by doctors. Another life changing event happened that year (actually that same week!) but I'll save that for another post.

So, 8 years later, here we are. Both our moms have passed on due to Alzheimers/its complications and we're out having dinner. P is still a beacon of light for me. She's been through it all (and much more!) and always listens to me and provides such refreshingly candid (yet kind!) advice. She reassured me last night that I will feel "normal" again but it takes time.

P's mom passed away 6 years ago so P has already been down this path that I'm currently on. I still remember her mom's funeral - it really hit me that Alzheimers eventually takes the patient's life. When you're in the earlier stages, the end seems so far away and doesn't seem like a reality. But it is real. Enjoy the time you have with your patient now; especially when they're having a good day. And try to reach out to supporters - through family, friends, the internet, support groups... the support will help you tremendously and maybe you'll meet a great friend like I did with P.

*afterthought: somedays, I don't think Alzheimers is widely known about even NOW. Even up until this year, some people haven't a clue about Alzheimers...they don't know anything about the disease. This is what some people said to me about my mom/ Alzheimers:

-"I hope your mom feels better soon"
-"How is your mom doing - is she getting better?"
-"Alzheimers...hmm, I've heard they have all sorts of treatment out there. Have you tried them for your mom?"

Another one bites the dust

2008-10-31T10:30:00.001-07:00

Time for a piece of fluff post.

I've discovered over the years that I have the power to discontinue restaurants and retails goods. I know what you're thinking - I haven't lost my mind. This power is REAL.

It seems that if I really like something, it discontinues. Just this week, I found out that 2 skincare products I use are discontinued. It was actually a bit comical. I was looking for the first item at my local drug store and asked a sales associate for help. She advised it had been discontinued. A couple of days later, I asked the same associate for the second product and she advised it had also been discontinued. I swear she must have thought I was a mystery shopper testing her knowledge.

I'm thinking of all the things I liked that have been discontinued and will share a few highlights:

Olive Garden Restaurant (no longer in Canada)

Toby's Good Eats (I think there might be one left somewhere but these used to be all over the place)

Denby "Reflex" pattern (when I got married, instead of having a fancy China pattern, I chose this set of dishes so we could use them everyday. They were discontinued shortly thereafter so I'm missing pieces.)

Lancome Clarifiance face wash

Andrea pre-soaked eye makeup pads (these were a great deal at $4.99 a pack. A similar product by another manufacturer cost me $8.49 this week and they definitely aren't as good)

At least a dozen items from the grocery store (this happens a couple times a year). I feel like I curse things when I declare that I like them!

Maybe it's the weather

2008-10-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

I've noticed something about a couple of Alzheimer blogs I read. The bloggers are a bit down. Is it the weather? The shortening of the daylight hours? I think the fall season is a bit depressing. I've never liked it. It's not a very hope-inspiring season. One blogger even wrote that s/he feels like crying somedays.

I'm writing this entry because I know what they feel. Day-to-day, I'm okay... but somedays, you just feel like you want to cry because you've bottled up so much that you need to let it out. I know a lot of people might feel foolish or nutty for crying as an adult and never do it (or admit to it!). But I think a good cry helps release things.

I did exactly that one night last week. I came home from work (where I appeared with-it all day) and sat in my living room by myself and bawled my eyes out. I actually openly cried. Not a few tears and gulps. I had a GOOD BIG CRY complete with little wails. God, it felt good. Why did this happen? No reason in particular. I just needed it. DH was not home and has no clue that I had this big meltdown. And by the time he got home, I didn't feel like talking about it. Sometimes, there's nothing to really talk about. No amount of talking will help you get out the raw emotion that crying does.

I know my fellow bloggers who are currently caring for their moms with Alzheimers have horrible days where they just want to run away and cry. I hope that my blog and comments on their blogs help them cope a bit. Even after your mom passes on, you're not okay right away or even for a while after. You've been living this disease as long as they have and it will take time for you to recover. Sometimes I think Alzheimers hurts the carers/families more than the victims.

Someone once said to me that my mom didn't just die this summer; she's been dying for 16 years and I've been grieving for those 16 years (while having to be strong and caring on the outside). Now that she has finally (I don't mean to say "finally" in a bad way) passed on physically, I can't expect myself to snap out of it right away and be great all the time. I have good days but I also have not-so-good days.

Closing note to my fellow bloggers - try to keep your chins up but know that sometimes a good cry will help you keep going.

Loooser!

2008-10-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

Ever have a disagreement with your SO and then feel like a complete and utter loser later? That's how I'm feeling today.

The disagreement was started by me (and now I kick myself for starting it) and there really was no point in starting it. And the end result just highlighted what a loser I am sometimes. A BIG LOSER.

Someday, I will learn to bite my tongue and just let things go. A boyfriend in high school always chanted that mantra to me "let it go" and I thought it was funny at the time (because he was seriously into karate stuff and his zen-like ways cracked me up). But maybe I should take that advice now. Some battles just aren't worth it. Gotta pick and choose what I'm going to fight about or there will be too many days that I end up feeling like this :(

A General Update

2008-10-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since my last "General Update" so I thought I'd write one.

It's been just over 4 months since my mom passed away. I seemed to be okay for the first couple of months and then I seemed to slump into a bit of a depression for these last couple of months. I think maybe it hadn't really sunk in for a bit and when it did, it hit hard. It's hard enough to lose a parent but to be slowly losing them for 16 years and then finally have it happen is very hard. It doesn't help when your family is the ultimate portrait of dysfunction. Your family should band together to help each other through times like this but unfortunately, that's not always the way things go.

I did something sad last week and survived it. I went and visited my parents' gravesite. The plate has been affixed with my mom's name and the grass has been replanted. I sat there for a bit, cried and told them how much I missed them and how there are some things in my life that are just really messed up (like my siblings being basically estranged from each other and now slowly from me, like my DH's ex is still tangled up in his family/friends) and how I wish they were here to guide me. I know my words might go no-where but I felt better "talking to them". Overall, I think I've been doing a bit better these last couple of weeks. I've been trying pretty hard to not let the sadness creep up on me. My friends have been amazing ~ thank G*D I have them.

I also have an update about my little storyteller. I finally confronted the person a couple of weeks ago. I guess s/he noticed that I was avoiding him/her and we got into quite a conversation. I wasn't going to confront this person but it just happened. And s/he got really defensive and had all sorts of "reasons" for this lie, that lie... mostly all the reasons were "so s/he wouldn't hurt the person" being lied to. Okay, we all have told a little white lie here & there to save someone's feelings but these were not little white lies; these were ridiculous lies. The conversation ended and we haven't talked much since. I'm not sure what the next step is. Sometimes it's just not worth opening up a can like this.

I think that's all I have to update on... thanks for reading and comment if you wish - I'd love to hear from you, who-ever my world of readers are!

Stelllllaaaaa!!!

2008-10-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I promised I'd work up some fluff since my last post was a bit serious. Here it is ~ I'm going to tell you about my neighbour.

He's no ordinary guy. I've never seen anyone quite like him. He's a crackhead...we'll call him CH. I know, I know, we shouldn't make light of drug addicts but, hey, they do exist and living next to this guy is priceless. And for some people who live in nicer places or the suburbs, this is a glimpse of city living next to a crackhead.

I should have clued in the first day I met him. It was moving day for us and we were hauling boxes and stuff into our house. Our neighbourhood isn't the best in the city but our immediate neighbourhood is good, our house was affordable (which is unheard of in our city) and we think it's an "up & coming neighbourhood".

So back to our moving day. Our neighbour, "CH" is standing on his porch watching us. We'd never met our neighbours before this day so we didn't know anything about them. CH isn't looking too good but hey, it's early in the day and maybe he's a shift worker or something. I had no idea he was a crackhead ~ I was so naive! Later in the morning, a person in a beautiful Corvette comes to visit CH and when he goes to leave, CH is screaming "Jimmmmyyy!!! Jimmmmmmmmmmyyyyy!" CH's voice carries through the neighbourhood. All I kept thinking was "Stellllllaaaa!!" as he kept yelling.

Over the first few weeks of living in our new house, we quickly realized what CH is. He was always out & about walking around the neighbourhood. The police were at his house every week. He was constantly begging for money from his mom or sister (who also live there). He'd actually make quite a debater or bargaining agent as the conversations go like this:

CH: Hey Sis, can you lend me $5?
Sister: No
CH: Oh c'mon, $5?
Sister: No
CH: C'mon sisssssssss...$5?
Sister: No
This goes on & on...and if CH gets tired, he'll re-try later in the day. We hear them over the fence.

Lately, CH has taken to begging outside our local variety store. One day I got off the bus and there he was in all his glory, sitting on a milk crate, begging. Then, a few feet away was my other neighbour and her daughter walking along. My other neighbour is a vice president at a very large worldwide company and has done really well for herself. Her & her daughter are always impeccably groomed and dressed. What a freakish scene this was ~ it was like night & day crashed into each other! I joined her & we walked home together. She remarked "CH is something else. He lives in a 4 bedroom house yet he's sitting down the street begging outside a variety store". Yep...that's our neighbour.

2008-10-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Warning: some readers might find this posting offensive or controversial!

In a conversation lately, someone told me that they feel like they only see their relatives when it's a holiday or a kid's birthday. Other than that, they don't see or hear from them. I've been thinking about this and it is kinda true.

I have some relatives in my life like that too. We see them at holidays and kids birthdays and that's about it. Other than those events, we don't really socialize with them because of a few reasons...they're too busy, they socialize with other people and overall, we really don't have a lot in common with them. They suggest elaborate gifts for their kids' birthdays by sending annoying emails from Toys R Us online ("Mary is sending you a suggestion from Toys'r'us: Johnny would like this for his birthday!"). Gee, thanks Mary. Great to hear from you.

My sibling started a trend in our family where only children get presents at Christmas and on birthdays (this person doesn't believe in celebrating adult birthdays). Well, that works out great if you have kids. You don't spend a cent and everyone brings your kids presents. S/he thinks that "Christmas and birthdays are for kids". So what happens if you don't have kids? You don't celebrate? I don't mean to come across as a greedy person but I think even a token gift would be nice or a "pick a name out of the hat" or Kris Kringle for Christmas for the adults. Or geez, a celebratory dinner for a birthday even. Nope. No buyers.

Now, why I thought this post might hurt some feelings is because I don't have kids and maybe I just don't get it. I've heard once you have kids, your whole life changes and they become the centre of your life and etc. Ok, but is it any reason to treat people differently? Is it any reason to only socialize for holidays/birthdays where you bring a present for their kid(s)? It makes people feel pretty used and sad.

On the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe if I had my own family (read: kids) then I wouldn't feel so left out or used. Maybe I'd be so wrapped up with them that I'd forget about this stuff. Maybe I'm still clinging to my old family (i.e. my parents & siblings) too much and others have moved on and started their own families and no longer consider themselves part of their original family.

A little deep eh? Well, I promised I'll work up some fluff for later this week ;)

Be our guest...be our guest...put our serice to the test

2008-10-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

Near my work is a very large & grand hotel that is 80 years old. It appears pretty ritzy to the outsider. Rooms start at $300 per night. It has lavish ballrooms. Big-time politicians visit and conferences are held there. It's a bit of a historical landmark in my city. But after staying there a couple of times, attending a few events there and short-cutting through the hotel for the past 10 years to the subway, I have some of my own observations.

Overall, the hotel is okay. I've stayed there a couple times and the guest rooms are really small (for such a grand hotel!) and a bit dingy. Definitely not worth $300 per night. I actually feel bad booking visitors there when our preferred hotel is sold out.

The food at the hotel is pretty good...however I have no idea how the restaurants stay in business. I rarely see them busy and their service levels definitely need some improvement. There's one place for soup, salad & sandwiches at lunch and it never fails that the service is the pits. The decor in that place could use some help too.

Events at the hotel have always been good but I think that's more because the people who run them (i.e. our events group at work) are top notch. I think they could hold an event anywhere and people would have a good time. One yearly event is a sit-down lunch and the food is always good but once again...service is lacking.

And now onto the shops inside the hotel. I have no idea how they stay afloat. No. Idea. Some of the stores have been there for the 10 years that I've been strolling through while others come & go overnight. There's a mini variety store which is quite busy and useful so I must exclude that from my general observations. The other stores include overpriced clothing stores and one store completely devoted to rain-wear & umbrellas (hello, is our climate that rainy?). The stores are always empty except for the staff that work there. Honestly, I've never seen real customers purchasing things.

There is also a "spa" among the hotel shops. It should have a revolving door as its entrance for the staff turnover. I occasionally have a service done there (i.e. nails, wax or whatever) and there's always new staff. Apparently, the owners are completely nutty and drive staff away in droves. If you look at its website, you'd think you're going to a luxury day spa when in fact it's an overpriced beauty salon in a dingy hotel basement run by lunatics. Down the hall from the "spa" is a barber shop which gives me the creeps. Its employees are usually standing around the hallway giving everyone a slow, creepy once-over as they walk past. Eew.

So, overall, I have to say you can't judge a book by its cover...or should I say, you can't judge a hotel by its first impression. After 10 years of looking at it from different angles (i.e. day-guest, overnight guest, event guest, shopper, etc.), I have to conclude that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

p.s. "Be our Guest" was my favourite song from Beauty & the Beast. I love Lumiere!

The Politics of Facebook

2008-09-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Are you on facebook? I am. Well, I am in a very quiet way. I have all the settings on my profile to be "friends only" including searching for me. Why? Because there are all sorts of people on facebook that I really don't want to be "friends" with never mind have them poking around my life. (Haha. Ironic this coming from a blogger.)

Who are these people? They are my DH's ex and all her friends (yes, including that army of vicious gays), my DH's sister and some extended family.

My entry into facebook started out as fun. It's fun to:

keep in touch with your friends and relatives you don't see often on there
post & look at pictures
play games and exchange little peeks into friends everyday lives
see what people from your past are up to (yes, a little voyeuristic of me but hey at least I admit it!)

It's NOT fun to:

be "friends" with people you don't trust
have your DH's sister scroll through everything on your page looking for anything damning and report your every move to your DH ("gasp...citygirl wrote on someone's wall today!")
have pictures posted of you from hellish events and then be made fun of by the army of vicious gays...yes it was horrible. These people don't even know that I'm on facebook so when I stumbled across these pictures I was pretty hurt to see little catty remarks being made about me. Frig, I was the bigger person to attend that stupid event in the first place.
see that your DH's ex and his sister are "friends". Who knows what that really means but it still hurts. Makes me feel like a complete loser. Somedays I think to myself "why am I even in this situation? Why don't I just step aside?"

Other ramblings about facebook:

At one point, I put my account on hold as "friendships" were causing some major problems with extended family. A couple was going through a divorce and it became quite a situation where "friends" were almost being asked to choose between them. I ended up "de-friending" both of them and blocking them (along with a ton of other people...I guess I'm paranoid that the privacy settings aren't strong enough. You know what they say...better to wear a belt & suspenders!)

Since then, I've almost chucked my account now & then a few times. Maybe I should just look through my friend list and weed out some people instead. I don't know exactly why I feel uneasy about it somedays. It almost feels like being back in the playground at school and being worried about being unpopular or talked about behind your back or worse yet, being out rightly picked on (oh wait, that already happened to me!).

Speaking of the playground...I wasn't terribly popular in elementary school. I was quiet and kept a few close friends. My school had 2 geographical areas, one was walking distance and the other was school-busing distance. I was part of the walking group which was considerably smaller than the bus group. Needless to say, the walking group were the outsiders. We weren't "in" with the bus group and majority ruled popularity. The bus group would all go to each other's parties and laugh about them on Monday at school. The bus group stayed at school for lunch and would party everyday while the walking people went home for lunch with their mom or nanny. The bus group bullied and picked on the walking people quite a bit. It was a really personality-defining experience for me.

So here I am again...on the playground known as facebook. I have my close friends. And I seem to have a ton of other friends. But there's also that group that makes me feel like I'm that 7-year-old girl in the schoolyard again.

Testing...testing...is anyone out there?

2008-09-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

I've had issues with my feedjit tool since I installed it. It looks great on my blog and I can see the little map of where visitors come from but the second I click on it to see a bigger version of the map (with more detail) my internet explorer experiences an issue and closes down. I've tried reading up on this and found no solution.

I've also been poking around with Google Analytics. It seems to be able to track where my visitors are coming from too but I don't know if I've successfully installed it or not (hence there is a section at the bottom of my blog right now titled "test"). It takes a minimum of 24 hours to see if data is being tracked.

Why am I doing this? Because I find it fascinating. I LOVE seeing where visitors come from! I absolutely find it thrilling to think that people around the world read my ramblings!

Rough Day

2008-09-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time today with it being my first birthday without my mom. Just thinking about it makes my eyes fill up with tears. I bawled this morning when my sibling called.

I've always thought birthdays were kinda like little "anniversaries" with your mom so I'm just having a tough time and I do much better if I just don't think about it and can just get through today. I'm at work today so I can keep my mind occupied (well, except for this little blog entry) and I am one of those fortunate people who have in an open style cubicle so I have no.privacy.whatsoever.

I'm also thinking about how wonderful my visit was with my mom last year (I figured out how to import a historical post...I wrote this little thing out last year before I started blogging) and how I wondered last year if it would be the last one we celebrate together.

No big plans tonight. I honnestly just want today to pass. I didn't realize how hard it would be.

Stop this ride, I want to get off!

2008-09-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

I was reading one of my favourite blogs this morning and wrote such a long (and it turned out to be quite interesting!) comment regarding euthanasia that I thought I would share it with my readers...

Ahhh...this is tough topic but one caregivers must face. When my dad passed away 16 years ago, my mother would go on about how she wanted to die or wished she had died instead of my father. She would bawl her eyes out at the dining room table as I sat helplessly. I would let her know that I was happy she was still here and that I still needed her (I was only 17 years old at the time).

As the Alzheimers progressed, mom would sometimes bring up how she wanted to die when she was having one of those days where she was somewhat with it. On those days, I think she realized that something was wrong with her and wanted to end her own suffering and confusion. Those were really hard days. But it wasn't a person in their right mind talking. I don't ever think that an Alzheimers patient could make this decision.

On a somewhat related note...the DNR. UGH... it makes me feel like I'm going to bawl just thinking about it. Our nursing homes here require us to sign a form regarding this - you choose the level of life-saving activities that will be done if something happens. At first, we had a high level of life-saving activities.

As mom got worse over the past couple of years, (i.e. bedridden, unable to communicate, eat or stay awake for more than a few minutes) we lowered the level of activities that would take place. We consulted with doctors and my sibling is an emergency worker so he has seen a lot of people revived just to live on for years completely brain dead in a coma. So for the last couple of years, we had DNR as our request. It absolutely killed us to sign the forms but we knew it was for the best...mom was in a terrible state these last couple of years. But in a small way, I felt like we were murderers, not trying 100% till the very end.

After years of caring for sick parents and many ambulance trips, I always thought in my head "the next ambulance won't have flashing lights & sirens...it'll be a quiet drive away".

Goodbye, M.

2008-09-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

Somedays, I think about an old friend I used to have.

"M" and I met in early high school. We had a lot in common - we were quiet brainers who didn't hang outside the school and smoke. We had family issues. We shared a common cultural background. We could talk for hours & hours.

After high school, we kept in touch quite frequently. We went on a couple of fabulous trips. Then after university, M went away for grad school. I was proud of her.

M got sick half way through the school year abroad. She ended up coming home and she's never been the same. She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I felt terrible and hoped that she'd be able to get treatment and get her life back on track. She didn't.

Ten years later, M is still sick and on disability. On top of her Crohn's, she has developed a million other ailments (and I'm sorry to say but I think they're mostly in her head). I know other people with the terrible disease of Crohn's and they suffer but they also keep going in life. They didn't lie down and apply for permanent disability.

And it's funny, M cannot go to school or work due to her illness but she's perfectly well to socialize, sleep, work for cash and shop her days away. I've been a good, patient friend who's always been there to listen and comfort (despite the inner voice telling me that she's a bit of a hypochondriac). We all have these friends. It takes all kinds to keep the world going. But what made me end this friendship is when she wasn't there for me on two very important days in my life and I also realized M had ~~become a crazy bitch~~ was no longer herself.

The first day was my wedding day. M came to the ceremony (it was a 10 minute quickie type) and then promptly grabbed me after it to say that she was leaving and going home because she wasn't feeling well. Since we were at a hotel, I offered for M to go lie down for a while in a guest room and join us for dinner (which would be in an hour or so after pictures/cocktails). M declined and left all teary-eyed. I felt bad and it weighed on my mind a bit (on top of all the other political sh*t that goes on at a wedding...don't get me started. Just elope.).

A year later, M told me the real reason she left. She left because she "was upset that I didn't ask to her to be bridesmaid and she was jealous to see me happy". Nice. I told her that I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid because all she did was complain (regarding the pressure on her health and finances) about being a bridesmaid for another friend earlier that year. M seemed accept this and we got past this.

The second time M failed me was when my mother passed. I truly needed support and she was not there for me. Why? She says she "had a doctor's appointment" on the day of the funeral. We had arrived at the church for the funeral and M came flying across the street at me telling me she couldn't stay because she had an appointment. Really, was it for brain surgery? M left a voicemail for me later that day going on about how she had a doctor's appointment and blah blah blah.... I erased the message and haven't called her back. It's almost been 4 months and M hasn't called again.

I can't understand what appointment could not be moved on an emergency basis. You really can't help when funerals are held. But then what really bothered me was that M didn't show for any of the visitations either. Surely, in 3 days worth of events, she could have showed for something? Even a visitation. If you really couldn't be there for the funeral, then a visitation would have sufficed. Actually, the visitations allow for much more interaction/support anyways.

Another thing about M... I noticed in the past few years, she became ~~a crazy bitch~~ quite evil. M was/continues to be "the ex that won't go away" in someone's life. She knows all about my situation and how it hurts to have your SO's ex lurking around. She laughs and delights in her "small victories" against the current girlfriend. It's horrible to listen to. It makes me sick. The last I heard, she had basically driven such a wedge in her ex's current relationship that his girlfriend left him (even after they had bought a house together!). M moved in (because her ex was drowning in bills and needed a roommate) but she was hoping romance would bloom again with him. How horrible is that?

It was horrible enough that I realized it was time to say goodbye to my friend. M was no longer the person I used to be friends with. She had become someone else. Goodbye, M.

Keeping in touch...with an ex

2008-09-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm here to rant today about my DH keeping in touch with his ex. WHY WHY WHY??? WHY do people keep in touch with their exes? I can see the occasional friendly email between exes...I even have that. I can see keeping in touch very often if you have children together. But otherwise that's it. That's where I draw the line in my mind.

It's an issue that my DH and I have been dealing with for our entire relationship. He knows it bothers me so he's "cut down" their contact. But even the mere mention of it makes me fuming.

Perhaps I should give you a little more to work with. My DH and this person had somewhat of a bad breakup. There were thoughts that she cheated on him and honnestly, everything points to that (including little love letters she had stashed away from her new guy!). But she denies it to this day. After a few months, things apparently didn't work out with her new guy and she came crawling back but my DH had already met me and told her that he didn't want to get back together with her. She cried. She called & called & called. She kept in contact with his family (more often than when they were together!). She gave the "ok, let's just be friends" routine. This person was determined to stay afloat!

After my DH bought a house and moved in together, I was cleaning out an overloaded closet one day when I came across letters from her pleading her case to get back together (the letters were dated way after we had started dating...even after we had bought our house). DH said he always told her he didn't want to get back together but they could be friends.

Fast forward years later and here we are. They're not in contact as much anymore and she's FINALLY started dating someone. But they're still in touch and it still bothers me. It hurts. It still boggles my mind how my DH can't just cut her off. Especially after her attempted home-wrecking.

Am I crazy? Am I overly jealous? Please chime in my readers.

Run over the car. YES. Run over the car.

2008-09-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

There's no typo in the title. I meant to type "run over the car".

This is exactly what this child did to our car on the weekend. Remember him?

While visiting on the weekend, our car was assaulted many times by the hands and feet/shoes of two 6-year-old boys. I am still stunned at the idea.

The children were playing in a large backyard/parking/garage area of their grandparents house. There were 5 cars parked in the driveway. The children & their parents walked over to a local fair after dinner so we decided to pop out for some coffee.

We get in the car and DH looks in his rear-view and absolutely freaks. There are hand prints all over the back window. He gets out of the car and it becomes quite clear that the kids have been literally running OVER the car MANY times. Their SHOE marks are on the back bumper, onto the trunk...hand/shoe prints up the rear window....across the roof of the car, down the front windshield and across the front hood. There are so many prints it looks like hundreds of kids ran across the car. There are noticeable deep scratches in the paint and dents. DH WAS PED!!!! His dad notices him looking at the car and comes outside and freaks too. His mom comes out and says "well, how do you know who it was". Well, let's see, the car is parked in your driveway/in your backyard and was not like this when it arrived hours ago. Hmmm...let's see....

DH was so furious that he opted for us to leave and go home before the kids/etc got back from the local fair out of fear that he might ~~strangle them~~ be very angry with them.

The parents/kids return from the fair and the grandparents let them know what's happened. The parents call us at home and go on about how they are sorry/can't believe the kids did this. DH asks what their punishment is. Get this - no hot-tubbing last night before bed. Ooooohh... AND grounded for 2 weeks. WTF? The kids are 6 yrs old. Where would they normally go? What difference does "grounding" make to them? UGH!!!

The parents insist on putting the the boys on the phone to say sorry.

Conversation goes like this:

Kid: I'm sorry (how robotic!)
DH: Well, I want you to think about something next time you think of damaging something. Think of your favourite toy...maybe your little bike that you love so much. Think of someone ripping a handle-bar off it. How would that make you feel?
Kid: Well, that wouldn't really matter. I can still ride it without handlebars.
DH: Ok...so you aren't really sorry for what you did to my car, are you?
Kid: No, not really.
DH: Put your mom back on.

What your doctor doesn't tell you

2008-09-05T08:14:00.001-07:00

A couple of months ago, I went off the Pill because after a million years of being on it, it had started to reek havoc on my blood pressure. This was no small decision. My doctor & I have been monitoring my blood pressure since April and it was way too high for someone my age and build. There was a suggestion that I go on blood pressure meds but that was not something I want to do so off the Pill I go!

What my doctor didn't tell me is that I'd gain 5-8 pounds INSTANTLY and feel like I'm 100 years old.

In the past couple of months, I've gained 7 pounds even though I'm going to the gym and eating the same or less than I used to. I also noticed that I'm grumpier than usual, lethargic, wanting to sleep more than normal and overall, not the social organizer that I usually am. Sure, I've had a rough summer but I thought I was losing my mind with the way things were going. I've never had a weight issue in my life and suddenly I can't fit into half of my clothes. I've always been the social organizer and suddenly I have become a hermit. WTF?!?!

So I started thinking... besides a rough summer, what else happened? I went off the Pill. Could this be factor? Surely, my doctor would have forewarned me. Nope. I looked into it online and found a ton of women going through this & this! THANK G*D!! I'm not losing my mind!

Hopefully my body will sort itself out in the next few months. I guess after a million years of having my hormones falsely levelled, it takes a while to get back to nature. Until then, please bear me with me!

Regrets

2008-09-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have an argument or situation with someone and then feel so guilty after? I know I do.

There are situations and arguments that happened in the past few years where I look back and feel really guilty and second-guess myself. At the same time, I can still justify what I did or said so I feel quite torn.

Things would have been much easier if I had not started the argument/argued back or if I had just let things go. But then, things would not be right (being a Libra, this would mean things are not balanced and that is something I can't deal with!). Some of these situations were huge and if I had not stood up to them, I would have ultimately paid the price.

Who were these situations with? They were with my DH, his family, my family and friends. Overall, I think I'm a nice, easy-to-get-along-with person. Sometimes, I think people mistake that for a push-over or someone they can treat as they wish. It was quite a shocker for some people to hear me roar when I was pushed too far (trust me, I shocked myself somedays!).

I'm not going to get into specifics of the situations but the bottom line in most cases was the person was not respecting me and/or our relationship. Some situations I ended up in were just absolutely ridiculous. I took action at the time and now, I am full of regrets somedays. But if you don't stand up for yourself, who will?

I'm okay

2008-09-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, I thought I'd post to let you know that I'm okay. I had a couple of good chats with good friends this past week.

One friend, who is a social worker, pointed out to me that what I've been through in the past 16 years has been very traumatic and exhausting so it's only normal that I still have bad days now and then. She said it's like having post-traumatic stress. Thank goodness I have such great friends.

My DH, on the other hand, is not as sensitive or understanding. He doesn't seem to get it somedays. This weekend, he said that I'm more "hormonal" and sensitive lately. I shot back that he's more INsensitive and snippy lately. Yep, it was a lovely long weekend...ha ha.

However, I did admit in my blog that I've been grumpier than normal. But wouldn't it be nice and ideal if my DH would notice this and say "hey, do you want to talk about how you're doing? I know you've been through a lot this summmer. Is there anything I can do to help you?" But as I've accepted and said before, my DH is a guy's guy and there's a better chance of h#ll freezing over.

A look back...

2008-08-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

It's almost the end of summer (well, Labour Day weekend is pretty well the unofficial end). Yesterday afternoon, I found myself reading blogs about people who's parent(s) have Alzheimers. I think I was subconsciously having a tough day and it somehow comforted me to read this blogs.

My mom passed away this summer after a 16 year battle with Alzheimers. I think the end of summer/change of seasons is somehow signalling to me that time has kept moving and I've survived. What have I survived? I survived some of the most terrible times. Somedays, I wasn't sure I'd make it and I wasn't even the person with the disease; I was "just" the family member/caregiver. And I've survived my mom's passing. It was something that I knew would come one day, like every human knows, but I was terrified of it. I guess after watching her slowly "die" for 16 years, my imagination would run absolutely wild with how the end would be.

I thought it might be good to blog about this. Long before blogs, I survived many, many insane days with mom and I think that blogging would have been an incredible outlet for me. Instead, to cope with the day-in/day-out challenges, I'd call friends/family or I'd go to internet chat rooms for Alzheimer families. Now that I've survived, I thought I'd tell the tale in an effort to purge a bit and to also educate people out there who are living the nightmare of Alzheimers.

As the youngest of three children, I was the last to leave home. I stayed with mom throughout my schooling (including 4 years of college) and for the first few years of my career. My 2 siblings had moved out and had their own lives. Truthfully, one of them was estranged from the family for a few years and was basically disowned by my mom (who was convinced this child was a thief and was constantly stealing from her).

The next section of this entry is in point-form (as taken from my log of observations regarding my mom; the family doctor advised us to start a log of behaviour when we first approached her about mom...a funny aside...funny how "log" is just one letter short of being "blog"!). This is in no way a full day-to-day documentation of caring for someone with Alzheimers. It's simply a glimpse of it. Everyday is full of challenges, bizarre conversations and sometimes arguments (as much as you try not to argue with them, it gets impossible somedays).

Constant over the years
• Losing purse, glasses & blaming other people (i.e. they stole her items from her). The "suspects" even include her own children.
• Constant suspicion re: teenage neighbour – that he’s wrecking things around yard, that he’s been in our house.
• Short term memory failing here & there (staring 1992...gradually gets to the point that she cannot remember 5 minutes ago)
• Long term memory failing (starting 2001)
• Repeats herself
• Easily confused

Events
Events began in 1992 with small symptoms after my father’s sudden death. Mom was always very dependent on dad and didn’t do any of the banking or household administration for as long as they were together (approximately 40 years). There are 3 children in my family: sibling1, sibling2 and me, “citygirl”. For the first 8 years of the disease, we manage mom as well as we can. Her symptoms are mild enough that it's manageable. I sought advice from a counselling centre at school and learned about Alzheimers. I mentioned this to my siblings who shot the idea down with "mom's just getting old or missing dad". But I knew mom was facing something much larger and darker than age or heartache...

Over the years, these symptoms develop into much larger issues.

• November 2000 – Mom walked into neighbour’s home and to confront their teenage son (“D”). D does not live there – mom is in the wrong neighbour’s house – not even close to D’s real house. However mom is convinced that D does live there and that the young girl who lives there is his daughter (hmm...D is 12 and the girl is 5...let's do the math). She believes D has been targeting her house and vandalizing it. (ie turning on outside water taps, throwing garbage into yard, peeing in garbage cans)

• January 2001 – Mom reports that she received a letter from her sister (who is deceased) that morning regarding her niece. The letter requests Mom to sponsor the niece to come to live in Canada. When I ask to see the letter, Mom spends most of the day looking for the letter.

Later in the day, mom tells citygirl that the niece visited her that morning and asked directly if she could live there. Citygirl asks mom about the letter from her sister. Mom does not recall anything about a letter. Citygirl suggests to mom that she is confused. Mom admits that she is confused and does not know why she is thinking these things.

• January 2001 – mom up most of the night. Yelling/crying at citygirl. Complains of lost blanket, that she’s cold...is whining in almost a child-like way. Mom announces she's going to call sibling1 at 5:00 am; citygirl discourages. Mom finally goes to sleep.

• September 2001 – mom wants to go “home” to her native country and live with her brother (who is deceased)

• Early October 2001 - mom has a check-up booked at doctor's...she cannot remember how to get to Dr’s office that she has been going to for 40 years/it's 5 minutes from her house. She calls the Dr's office and identifies herself using her maiden name.

• Mid October 2001 – mom does not recognize her own house. She does not know where she is living, thinks she is staying in someone’s else’s home.

• Early January 2002 – mom has started wandering. She does not recognize neighbourhood and does not know how to get to church, store or doctor. Went to the convenience store across the street and the cashier called the "Wandering Bracelet" number (our city has a program for Alzheimers patients to wear id bracelets to help people who find them lost).

On another night at 10:00pm, citygirl is out (yes, I tried to have a little social life despite the insanity I lived with) . The next-door neighbour finds mom banging on her own front door, demanding in a loud voice to speak to the landlady. When neighbour told mom that this is her house that she owns and lives in, Mom does not recall this and is shocked. She continues to say the landlady has locked her out. The neighbour helps Mom look through her coat pockets and once the key is found on Mom, she goes in.

• Mid January 2002 – mom is calling citygirl & the siblings 1 & 2 the moment one of us leaves to ask to be picked up and taken home since she’s not in the “right” house. When explained that she is, she gets very upset. She is not sure what country she is in or why. It is thought that mom has had a small stroke at some point to explain this sudden decline. Sibling1 has Geriatric Doctor do home assessment – score was 12/30 (that's pretty bad...means mom couldn't tell what day it is, what year it is...etc).

• Early February 2002 – mom continues to not remember her own house or belongings. Still thinks she is staying in someone else’s house. She asked citygirl how she knows her. Citygirl tells her that she's her daughter. Mom asked if she was ever married; when shown picture of dad (they were together for approximately 40 years until he passed), she does not remember him. She also asked if she had other children; when told of 3 children (citygirl being one of them), she is shocked and does not recall this.

• Mid February 2002 – Sibling1 admits mom to hospital under emergency – it is quite evident that mom is getting worse day by day and has maybe had silent strokes in past few months. Mom has become quite physically aggressive in wandering and trying to "escape" us and it is a bitter winter. We fear that we can longer keep mom safe.

Mom even tries to escape the hospital and has a scuffle with a security guard at the hospital. A few days into her hospital stay, Mom suffers severe bout of pneumonia which she fights off (thank G-D, otherwise all of us would have never been able to let go of that guilt – trying to put her in secure environment and end up killing her with pneumonia).

• May 2002 – mom admitted to temporary seniors/nursing home. It is quite difficult to get placed in nursing homes in our city so we take this opening as a temporary place for mom until we can get a better place. At least it's clean and safe.

• Sept 2002 – mom admitted to more permanent home. This home houses residents that are still physically well but are not able to function by themselves due to Alzheimers.

• May 2004 – mom suffers bout of shingles. Is extremely tired and weak for several months. Starts to become unsteady on her feet and losing continence.

• August 2004 – I took mom to get her hair done one day at her usual salon (outside the home). We were going to eat before hair appointment. She got out of car and became very pale and disoriented. She said she didn’t feel like herself and wasn’t sure what was wrong. She had wet herself and was unable to tell me. Sibling2 brought a change of clothes and after eating, she seemed a bit better and then after hair appointment, she was quite perked up...it was like 2 completely separate days within a few hours.

• September 2004 – mom is now using a wheelchair most of the time. She is very unsteady of her feet and is very hesitant to walk. (I later find out that Alzheimers patients sometimes suffer from spatial issues and cannot process what they are viewing, especially floors and stairs)

• October 2004 – mom admitted to another nursing home because the first home was no longer able to care for her. She needs full assistance in washing, grooming, clothes, eating, toileting, walking. Sleeps more. However, there are days when she is surprising alert and strong.

• November 2005 – mom sleeping more and mobility is limited.

• 2006-2008 in general – mom continues to sleep more and need more assistance. Needs help to eat meals, move, needs adult diapers. Eventually needs to be in wheelchair at all times. Speech becomes infrequent and eventually becomes one word answers when prompted. Hands become curled up. At times, she appears to be zoned out and some tears roll out (although tears could be that she has a bit of a cold). We’re not certain that she can understand when we speak to her.

• November 2006 – mom is admitted to hospital for dehydration. Mom stays overnight and is re-hydrated and doing much better. She returns to the home the next day.

• Sept 2007 – mom suffers a mild seizure in the morning and is admitted to hospital for review. No evidence of a stroke is present. Hospital offers to run more intrusive testing but children decline the testing. Mom returns to the home later that day.

• May 2008 – mom sleeps much more and is very groggy when awake. There are some days when she has a few moments when she is more alert. The children hire a personal careworker in late 2007 and she works with mom everyday for 2 hours. She talks to mom all the time and takes her outside on nice days. Mid-month, mom has a small blood-bruise on her heel from pressure. It is monitored and rotated regularly and she wears soft booties instead of shoes.

• May 23, 2008 – citygirl visits mom in the evening for approximately 1 hour immediately after mom’s dinner. Mom sleeps through the visit, which is quite the norm now, with the exception of 1 minute where she opens her eyes and tells citygirl something jumbled. Her eyes look very nice and alert when they are open.

• June 1, 2008 – Siblings 1 & 2 visit mom in the afternoon and report that she was no different than usual days lately. Personal careworker reports the same.

• June 2, 2008 – mom peacefully passes away in her sleep overnight. Caregivers discover this on morning rounds at 6am. Children are called. Mom does not appear to have struggled at all – looks like she was just sleeping in her bed.

So there you have it. 16 years in one entry.

I want to tell other families out there something rather blunt: you will survive. I know somedays you think it just can't get worse and it DOES. Every step hurts. Every decline seems horrible but then you get used to the operating level...it almost becomes normal. When you start out on the Alzheimers journey and read things like this entry, I know you are freaking out. I know you can't possibly imagine your parent becoming sicker & sicker. But it happens and when it does, you survive. It's important to reach out to family, friends, support groups, internet..whatever you have.

I know in the early days, when I thought about my mom becoming incontinent, bedridden and unable to communicate, I just about wanted to die. But I didn't. And here I am ~ after the storm and still alive.

Liar Liar...

2008-08-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

...pants on fire!

I'm writing today as a follow up to a snippet about someone in my life that lies non-stop.

She's at it again. I cannot get over the things this person lies about!

A few weeks ago, she told someone a lie right in front of me. I asked her about it seconds later (so she wouldn't have the regular excuse of "oh...you must have heard wrong" or "did I say that? no, no, I said ____").

So I struck when the iron was hot. She was a bit stunned that I asked and knew she was scr*wed. She made up an elaborate reason why she lied. When I said this particular person wouldn't really care either way, she said that nobody except me knew the truth about this topic so she was just telling everyone the same story. I asked her about 2 other close/important people in her life and she confirmed that she HAD TO lie to them too about this topic. Why??? Oh, she had her elaborate reasons for both cases. It absolutely drives me insane!!!

Which leads me to the next part of this entry. If she lies to all these people, all the time, does she lie to me? I'm sure she does! I've caught her tangled up in many crazy webs before where she's lied to me. If I try to "straighten things out", she just gets defensive and/or lies more to cover up the lie.

This is someone in my life that I should be able to trust 100%, without a doubt. Instead, I feel myself distancing away from her because I really don't like what she's doing and I can't stand being lied to. It's disturbing to me and makes me feel really frustrated, hurt and angry. (sidebar to some readers - this reminds me of a course I took once where you say "when you ____, it makes me feel ____" haahah sorry, it made me laugh).

Can I talk to her about this? Never. This person is so difficult that I'd need to sedate her before she'd ever admit to anything.

What if I take another approach and look at the reasons for her lies and try to make it that she doesn't feel the NEED to lie? I've thought about this too. She doesn't lie because she feels inadequate or embarassed or something easily fixable. She lies because she wants people to feel sorry for her. Honnestly, this woman carries around a cross to nail herself to everytime she opens her mouth. She wants to come across as hard done-by, a martyr, a saint...she wants people to feel so bad for her that they go out of their way to be nice/helpful to her. I fell into this trap many times. The favours she looks for aren't simple. Then she turns around and treats you like cr*p later. It's quite a vicious circle...one that I'm taking a break from.

The Power of Shades

2008-08-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed the power of sunglasses? I don't mean how much they protect your eyes from the sun. I mean how much emotion they hide.

I noticed this summer when talking to people, I often take my sunglasses off or put them on top of my head. I started doing this because I find when I'm talking to someone wearing sunglasses, that it's very difficult to gage their emotion and interest. I like to be engaged and emotional when I speak so I find wearing sunglasses is a bit antisocial (which I am not!). If someone wears their sunglasses through a whole conversation, I feel quite disconnected to the person and awkward in a sense.

When sunglasses are propped up on top of someone's head, it's better than actually wearing them, but at any given second, the person could whip them on and it almost feels like a very weird threat they're sending out by keeping them so handy on their head.

The saying "the eyes are the window to your soul" is so true. If I am talking to someone, their eyes tell me so much more than their voice. I can see if they are sincere, sarcastic, sad, happy, etc. Your eyes speak volumes over the words that come out of your mouth.

Check it out next time you're talking to someone with shades on...

Excuse me, I seem to be lost...in my own life.

2008-07-31T08:52:00.000-07:00

I often sit and wonder if I'm on the right track. I look back at how I've gotten to where I am and wonder if I took the right roads and if I'm in the right place. There's no magical way in life to know if you're in the right place...so how do you know? How do you know if you're making the right career, love, family, friends and health choices? One might answer "if you're happy". Well, I'm happy enough. It's hard to measure happiness.

I've been fascinated with the idea of "choices" for many years now. The "what ifs" in plain terms. What if I had not dated that guy for so many years? What if I stayed with that other guy? What if I had not applied to my current job (going on 10 years this summer...). Even small things. What if I left 10 minutes early/later for work today?

I love my DH immensely. I hope we have a long, happy life together. But what lies ahead for us? Will we continue to live in the city (which my DH says he can't stand but now that he's been here for so long, I'm sure the country would be a rude awakening!). Will we have children? This is a topic which totally boggles my mind. I don't really feel all that maternal. I don't go ga-ga for babies or kids. I actually find them a bit overwhelming! They're like little aliens to me.

Somedays, I think maybe we should have children (and soon...I'm not that young anymore!) but the reasons are pretty weird. I think that maybe we'll regret not having children one day. I worry that we'll be old and need someone to take care of us one day (I know that sounds selfish but when I see what my mom went through, I thank G*d everyday that we (her kids) were around to see her through it). My DH's opinion on the matter? He says he doesn't care either way and it's up to me. Great.

So now let's say hypothetically, we have kids. I can't imagine my life with kids. I can barely function the way I am. I get up, go to work everyday from 9-5, get home shortly before 6 (sometimes run errands), make dinner, clean up and go to bed. Where do kids fit in here? Who's taking care of them from 8am to 6pm? How do I get ready for work (i.e. shower, dress) with kids? My DH works crazy shift work so he's basically a write-off. I have no family that would help me. His family lives a few hours away. I'd be on my own. So that makes me run for cover. I am not capable of this! This is nuts! Back to being DINKs (Double Income No Kids). Phew. What the H*** was I thinking?

Onto the other fronts. Career? Currently, dead-end. I hope opportunities will come up at my current workplace and I have good reason to believe they will. That's all I can say about that for now. Friends? I think I have a pretty good group of friends. Family? Dysfunctional. Health? I think I'm doing alright. I could always be doing better. At least I joined a gym (and actually go!) this year.

Could I be doing better? Have I made the right choices? I guess there's really no way to answer this except for "I hope so".

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened” -- Winston Churchill

Baskets: Good or Evil?

2008-07-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm going to write a fun post and debate if baskets are good or evil.

Baskets are Good:
-I love baskets; I have them all over my house
-I love receiving gifts in baskets
-Whenever I'm shopping, I am drawn to baskets by my desire to buy more
-Baskets help you organize (for example, I have a bench in the kitchen with baskets under it to keep items like bottles of pop)

Baskets are Evil:
-While baskets help you organize, they also give you a handy place to stash all sorts of stuff when you are cleaning up. That's great but then the stuff ends up staying in the basket forever and not being sorted out properly. Half of it is garbage and should be chucked.
-The point above leads to another complication. While the baskets help you "temporarily organize" things, this is really a lazy way of getting rid of clutter instead of putting things back where they belong. The point? There are lots of things that you can't find because they're in one of the million baskets around the house instead of in their proper spot (my DH is famous for doing this with his tools)
-I'm often lazy or preoccupied and drag baskets towards me when going to look in them. I've scratched up some surfaces doing this (yes, I now I should put little felt thingys on the bottom of the baskets but that just one of those things that I think about and don't follow through on)

Eeee

2008-07-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

This is a sound that coworkers of mine often tack onto the end of names and it drives me INSANE!! I work with professionals who suddenly sound like kindergardeners when calling out names to each other. Let me demonstrate how adult names can be transformed into kiddie names:

Ann = Annieeee
Bill = Billieeee
Fred = Fredieeee
Mike = Mikeeeee
Paul = Paulieeee
Rick = Rickeeee

WTH?! Who started this trend? It echos the other name-nightmare that I despise. It doesn't sound cute or fun to me. It's ANNOYING!! STOP IT!!

Whoo.... gotta chill. In other news... I posted a response to a blog that I've been reading lately. I thought it was a pretty good piece of writing so I thought I'd share.

Hello World!

2008-07-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated with the Feedjit on my blog. I have visitors from all over North America and now some from overseas too! I wonder how these visitors find my blog and what they read/what they think of it.

Please leave me a message if you'd like to. I'd love to hear how you landed here and what you think!

~citygirl

Little Miss Grumpy

2008-07-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

The children's book describes it all...well, except for the "Mr." part.

Lately, I have found myself grumpier and more impatient than usual. And I can actually feel myself being this way. My DH annoys me at the drop of a hat. And I feel bad afterwards but at the same time, he sometimes has it coming and maybe I was just way too patient before.

Maybe I need a holiday. I really haven't stopped this year and to be honnest, I don't feel like I've stopped in 16 years. It's been a long haul with my mom and I think it really wiped me out and took years off my own life.

For the first 10 years of my mom's illness, I took care of her at home. My siblings had taken off and had their own lives and I was left behind. Not that I ever held that against my mom as I wanted to see her at home for as long as possible. But I didn't sleep well for those 10 years. I felt like I was on the 24 hour emergency desk, especially at night (my father passed away overnight and I found him one morning...after hearing him cough at 5am and dismissing it as a nagging cough). If my mom coughed, moved or called out in her sleep, I was out of bed, cordless phone in hand, ready for action. It was quite exhausting. Try adding highschool then university full time, have a part time job and a little bit of a social life and that's what my life was like. And I somehow managed to keep it all together and get pretty good grades.

After we moved my mom into the nursing home, I slept a bit better. I knew there was a 24 hour staff there, doing patrols and there was always a big glowing green help button beside my mom's bed. My mom was a wanderer (or exit-seeker as most Alzheimers patients are) and I knew the nursing home was locked down so she couldn't get out (you need a swipe card to get out).

But I was never completely relaxed. I was always waiting for "the call". Even when I went on vacation, I would be worrying in the back of my mind. I'd get back to the hotel room and immediately go look at the phone to see if there was a message. I know it wasn't healthy and I know it was a bit obsessed but there was really nothing I could do about it - when it's your mom, it's YOUR MOM. You can't turn it off.

This year, I didn't go on vacation. I love the beach and the ocean and find I almost "need" a vacation to revitalize in the winter but I knew something was up this year. I told my DH, my friends and my siblings why I wasn't going away. My DH & siblings thought I was bit nutty for this but I said "I don't want to be stuck somewhere, trying to get home if anything happens". Getting home from foreign places isn't always easy and I also didn't want to travel under those conditions ~ I think I'd end up having an all-out anxiety attack. My friends understood for some reason. I usually go away in February so I was a few months off with my intuition but I think that's pretty close timing considering we were working with 16 years and there were some pretty bad times over the years.

Over the years, my siblings and I got a few calls from the home. They were non-emergency calls re: injury or need for hospitalization but you still just about faint when you see the call display. The big call finally came this year and it was just as bad as I imagined it would be. I went numb and cold all over and into a state of shock. Auto-pilot took over and I got dressed and went to meet my siblings at the home.

I guess I'm linking my grumpiness to my tiredness and exhaustion after a 16 year marathon. Although I would never trade my time with my mom for anything...

A General Update

2008-07-03T12:57:00.001-07:00

So, here I am. I've not been blogging much lately. I guess I don't want to write depressing entries and when I start typing lately, depressing things want to flow out of my fingers!

It's been a month since my mom passed away and I'm doing ok. My DH doesn't get the whole "losing a parent" thing at all so he's been trying as best as he can to support me. And I think I've been pretty good. I had a good cry the day after the funeral and then I had another good cry this past weekend. Other than that, I've been going to work and functioning quite well... I think. My DH suggested that I might need to seek counselling during my bawl this weekend which I thought was a little mean of him. I don't think he meant it in a mean way, but geez, it's only been a month and overall, I've been doing pretty well.

It's a bit shocking to be alone in the world. Not that my mom has been really "with me" for many years since she was very ill but now it's for sure that I'm alone. My siblings continue their insanity towards each other so this loss hasn't changed their ways. I have a lovely DH who tries his best but somedays, I just feel alone. Thank G*D I have a full time job to keep me occupied. I think I would be a wreck if I wasn't busy.

In other news... I don't think I've updated the blog regarding that job I applied for. Well, I didn't get it. I was interviewed but did not get the job. It went to an external applicant. I can't say I am overly surprised as that department is a bit weird and I'm not 100% sure that I'd fit in there. I also had my suspicions that the new head of the department would be bringing people into the company from his former workplace(s) so I was almost expecting an external person to get the job. I'm not overly upset (considering the other events in my life lately, this is not a big deal) as I really don't mind my current position. For future growth, I'm not sure my current position really has the room. But for now, it's fine and at least I tried for the posting and the weirdo department knows I want to expand my career there.

What else is going on... I have a person in my life who lies a lot. It's a bizarre habit that I don't really understand. This person is in my family so it's not like I'd cut him/her off (which I might do if it were a casual friend). The things this person lies about are so weird and somedays, I actually catch the lie and ask them about it and they just lie more to cover up. It must be exhausting trying to keep the stories straight! I don't bust the person outright because that would be quite aggressive and confrontational so I just ask for clarification which starts showing that I'm seeing holes in their stories. Then I usually end the conversation once the person starts getting flustered or agitated.

So what do they lie about? Everything. Anything and everything. I'm never sure what the truth is. Part of this lying may be a result of trying to manipulate people and get people to feel sorry for him/her. Because the lying often ties into how hard life is for this person (it's really not, believe me).

Well, that's all for now. Hope you're enjoying my ramblings... I see from the "Widget" thing that I am picking up readers from all over the place - cool!!!

Full Patch Member

2008-06-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

Warning - sad posting

Two weeks ago, I became a Full Patch Member of Club O.

My mother passed away overnight, in her sleep on June 2. My mother was in a nursing home for the past 6 years because her Alzheimers had deteriorated her physical condition to the point of needing 24 hour care. She had Alzheimers for a total of 16 years which is a very long time. The average length of illness is 5-7 years; maybe 10 years if it progresses slowly but 16 must be some kind of record.

My brother got the call from the nursing home at 6am that morning and he called me at 6:14 am. It's never good news when the phone rings at that time of the day. He sounded so far away, sad and not himself. He said "The home just called me. We have some bad news. Mom passed away overnight."

I have not told anyone the words from this conversation yet - until now on this blog. The call haunts me. I've been "waiting" and dreading for this call for 16 years and it finally came. I've ~~imagined~~ obsessed about this moment and how it would happen. When my brother called me that morning, he awoke me from a dream where I was at my mother's funeral. Freaky eh?

I met my siblings at the nursing home and we visited my mom. She looked peaceful, like she was sleeping in her bed. But she was cold. Cold, like my dad was when I found him 16 years ago in our living room. It's a feeling of cold that you've never felt before.

We arranged for the funeral home to come pick up my mom and then met at the funeral home later in the day to make the arrangements. We basically did a carbon copy of my dad's funeral so it wasn't too hard/too many decisions.

The visitations were held over two evenings and it was nice to see family and friends - I think that's what keeps you going for the first bit. The actual funeral went smoothly. We had a full mass at our family church then proceeded to the cemetery (where my dad is buried) and then we had a small reception at my brother's house. It was a long day. And I held up pretty well.

The next evening, I had a full and utter meltdown. I cried and cried and it felt so good. My poor DH had no idea what to do because this was his first situation like this (i.e. a parent passing away). He's never lost anyone close to him so he doesn't quite know what it's like. After I cried, I felt much better. I was keeping it together pretty well all week so it was due.

I took about a week and a half off work in total. The last few days, I was on my own as my DH went back to work. I enjoyed those days by myself. It was nice to have time to reflect on the past 16 years as it has been quite a long journey. Both for my mom and for my siblings & I.

For the first 10 years of my mom's illness, I lived with and cared for her. My siblings had moved out and had their own houses and lives. It was a hard 10 years but I would never change what I did. But then, it got to a point where my mom needed more care than I could provide (even with the outside help we hired for years 8 to 10). It was becoming dangerous for my mom to be alone for a second. And she was becoming very aggressive and needed more than we could give.

I know alot of people say "she's in a better place now" and it's true. In the past 6 years, she declined quite a bit. Especially in the last 3 years. She could no longer walk so she was in a wheelchair all the time and had to be helped in & out of it. She could no longer feed herself or use the bathroom. And this past year, she could no longer talk which broke my heart. I don't even know if she could really understand me when I spoke to her. She couldn't tell me if she was in pain or needed something. It was very hard to watch and I'm sure even harder to live through.

I wrote alot of the Eulogy for my mom's funeral and my brother compiled it with his thoughts and read it on behalf of the family. He added a nice ending about an Irish saying: May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead. He said he thought mom left this world and had time to spare.

I had a dream 3 days after the funeral about my parents. They were together in a nice looking place, smiling and waving at me. They didn't talk but I'm sure it was just a short dream to let me know she made it and found my dad.

Two very hard things to do

2008-05-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

There are two things in life that I think many people find hard to do: (1) forgive and (2) let go of guilt. At my uncle's funeral last week, the minister talked quite a bit about these actions. I'm sure that my uncle had some input into this as he was very close with his minister, who visited him in the hospital during his last weeks.

These two actions are especially hard in my immediate family. My siblings and I seem to live on guilt and grudges. I wonder if this section of the funeral was directed at us in any way? Or I wonder if our seemingly perfect cousins share our affliction?

I find it very hard to forgive people. I try and think I've forgiven them and gotten past whatever has happened but it still lurks in the back of my mind. I don't think I ever truly, 100% forgive people. Is it possible? Can you forgive someone and never look back?

With forgiveness comes something else - retrusting. I find it very hard to trust people in first place. Once they have my trust and then lose it, wow...it's hard for me to ever really trust them again. I have many relationships where I still have to interact with people (due to work or family relations) where I do not trust the person 100%. And there's been a few times where I've gotten past things and re-trusted the person just to have them stab in me in the back. Quite a circle of events, isn't it?

Now, onto the second action: letting go of guilt. VERY hard. I have always lived with a little guilt. I do things out of guilt; I think I should have done things differently and feel guilty; I have a constant ball & chain of guilt on my ankle with some people. It's a heavy emotion that really pulls you down sometimes. It makes life complicated. If you could let go of it, you might make decisions more clearly and objectively with your mind and not your heart. But would that truly be "me"? I am quite soft and subjective a lot of the time. And yes, I do get taken advantage of because people pull on my heart-strings (aka guilt!).

I think the answer is finding a balance. Find a balance of forgiveness and letting go of guilt that you can live with. Try to strive for these actions but recognize your limits. Of course, it's easy to say and hard to do. But it's a good thing to keep in mind when your emotional baggage gets heavy.

My heart aches for the new members

2008-05-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I went to my Uncle's funeral this week. It was nice as far as funerals go.

I cried a bit at the church service as there was a slide show of my uncle's life, including my dad, so that was a bit hard for me. Of course, it was mostly set to sad songs so that is definitely a trigger for me too. I've found over the past few years that I cannot bear to listen to sappy songs or watch sad movies. I avoid them at all costs.

At the grave site, my cousins were openly crying and I found myself crying too. I was crying for many reasons as many thoughts flooded my mind as I looked at the casket: the loss of my uncle, the memories of my dad, my mother's illness, the dysfunction of my family... but most of all, I was crying for my cousins' newly found pain.

The more I saw my cousins cry, the harder I cried. They were being inducted into "Club O" and it hurts like nothing you've ever felt before in your life. I was hurting for them. I was crying for their pain. I was physically aching for them. And there is nothing you can do. All the words in the world won't help.

Later at the reception, I gave all my cousins hugs. I looked into their eyes and tried to give them strength. Even my older cousins, who are in their late 40's, openly told me that they were still in shock and the day felt so surreal. My uncle had been sick for many years and very sick as of late so they knew this day was coming but you are never quite ready for it.

So far, I've been talking about the children's pain & loss. But what about the spouse? My aunt was solid. She didn't cry. She was married to my uncle for 53 years and was a rock at the church, cemetery and reception. She has seen my uncle through years of illness and here we were at his funeral and she was the most composed person there.

When I think about it, my mom was the same at my dad's funeral. She didn't cry that day. She didn't even cry the day he died. But it all caught up with her some days when she would cry so hard and barely be able to utter "I miss Dad" (my parents always called each other mom and dad). It killed me to see her like that and to see her slowly become sick herself. How cruel and unfair life seems some days.

My uncle & his family have always been very religious (unlike my family of quasi-pagans). At the funeral this week, my cousins' speeches spoke of how religious my uncle was and how even in his last days, he was faithful to God. In one sense, I thought this was nice but then in another sense, I wonder how there can be a God that allows such pain, sickness, suffering, wars....if my uncle was such a good religious follower, why did God not reward him with a healthy and long life?

My mother (when she was well) was also quite religious. She went to church every Sunday and was always quite devout. Yet she has also suffered for over 15 years now with a horrible disease. What gives??

Well, I'm rambled on long enough now. Time to hit post. Till next time...

Welcome to "Club O"

2008-05-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

My Uncle passed away this weekend. He had been very sick for a few months and generally sick for many years. In fact, I always remember him being sick from my earliest memories. He had diabetes, heart problems and was very overweight so if you add those up, it's a recipe for disaster. My father was the exact same and he died 16 years ago when I was in high school.

I'm sad about my Uncle passing away as this was my dad's only sibling so in a way, I feel like it's the end of an era. Sure, there are kids on both sides and the sons have sons so it's not like my family name is gone. But that generation is done and the knowledge and wisdom is gone with them. There are many things I wished I had asked my dad or uncle but never did. With my dad, he passed away suddenly so I didn't have much warning. With my uncle, he's been sick for a long time so I had ample opportunity to talk to him, but I never really did. I found it hard to be around my uncle because of his likeness to my dad. Maybe some people would have found that familiarity comforting, but I just found it too hard to handle.

So what's "Club O"? It's Club Orphan. To me, there is a distinct difference in personalities between people who have parents alive & well and those who do not. A friend of mine (who lost her mom years ago) brought this up one day to me to see if I notice a difference too. She & I concluded that when you lose a parent, something happens inside of you.

You have been orphaned and something intangible inside of you changes. And when both parents pass and/or are very ill, it's like that safety net is no longer there. You have to sink or swim. You're on your own and if you fail, you don't have a nest to run home to. Even though I'm into my 30's, there's been so many times where I've just wanted to run home to my mom and have her pat me on the back, give me a cup of tea and tell me "everything's going to be ok". People who have parents don't get this. They don't know how things are in Club O. And I look at them somedays and know the heartache that lies ahead for them one day...

I went to my Uncle's visitation last night and looked at my cousins with such heartache for them. A few of them mentioned to me that "I must know what they're going through". Yep. Went through it way too early in life. Even though my cousins are mostly older than me, it's still hard for them. You're never ready to join Club O.

Shhh!

2008-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is more of a rant than anything. I work in a cubicle in an office environment. Most of the time, it's pretty quiet around me. Sometimes, it gets pretty noisy with co-workers screaming (excitedly), laughing or yelling. Either way, I have no control over the noise level in my work area because I work in a cube.

So, if I'm on the phone, sometimes when there's a sudden burst of noise in my area, it gets really hard to carry on a conversation (and we're talking work-related conversation). The person on the other end of the phone has to keep repeating themselves while I plug my free ear and strain to hear them.

On the other extreme, when it's really quiet, it's SO quiet that I swear my co-workers can hear me breathing and blinking. Do you know how hard it is to take a simple personal call when it's this quiet? My DH doesn't get this - he gets frustrated with me talking quietly because I really don't want to share every little detail of my life with everyone at the office.

If you have an office, cherish it. Cherish your walls and door. Because when you live in a cube, you've got no.privacy.or.control.whatsoever.

Where do lonely books go?

2008-05-08T08:26:00.001-07:00

I "released" 4 more books last week through bookcrossing and they are still AWOL. Where do these books go? Who picks them up and doesn't register their "find"?

Over the past couple of years, I've released 24 books and only 3 have been registered as found. How can people who find these books not be intrigued and visit the bookcrossing website? Why don't they want to play this giant game of hide & seek?

I remember my first time...the first time I found a bookcrossing book. It was in a hotel room in Mexico. I had just checked in and went to my room and found a book on the dresser. I thought the previous guest had left it behind by accident and felt badly for them. Until I picked up the book and saw the bookcrossing sticker telling me the book wasn't lost. And now comes the true confession. I didn't register my find. The book was a weird looking sci-fi novel that wasn't my taste so I took the book to the public book cart at the hotel and dropped it there. How hypocritical of me. I wonder what ever happened to that book...

Something good did come out of this first encounter though. When I got home from that trip, I visited bookcrossing, became a member and started spreading books all over my city!

But back to my lecture. I've released 24 books and only 3 have been "found"? C'mon people out there! Play along in this game. Be nerds like me!

See a penny...

2008-05-01T10:48:00.001-07:00

...pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck!

Do you pick up pennies? I do. I pick them up almost obsessively. And I'm here to confess this. When I see a penny in the street or on a bus or on a restaurant floor, I am drawn to pick it up. I think if I don't pick it up, I'm throwing the "good luck" it has back to the world as if I don't need it. And then I'll be doomed. Ok, maybe not doomed, but who doesn't need a little luck?

My DH laughs at me when I pick up pennies in front of him. I think he is entertained by my weird little obsession. I often wonder if other people have this hobby and they do! I keyed in "see a penny" into Yahoo and there are tons of people out there writing about this...here's two examples:

http://www.canada.com/topics/lifestyle/story.html?id=62a6f7cf-09d0-4f99-8934-2deb86759f9b&k=98695

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1465169

What about you? Do you pick up pennies?

A General Update

2008-04-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging very faithfully and I know that my readers (if I have any?) must be sitting on the edge of their seats wondering about some cliffhangers that I've left in the past few weeks. So I thought I'd do a general update entry.

Update #1: Did I apply for the job? Yes I did! I got my guts together (with the help of my friends prompting me) and applied. I applied on the last possible day at the last possible hour. Ahhhh... feels good to have taken the plunge. Maybe it'll go nowhere as I have my ~~suspicions~~ ~~paranoia~~ theories that a lot of job postings are already filled and are just posted for looks. We'll see!

I had a crazy dream about this last night though: Somehow, I found out for sure that this job posting was rigged and was totally t-ed at the head of HR. So much so that I recruited a friend and we pelted the hr guy with walnuts (in their shells). My last throw hit him so hard that it made a hole in his sweater. At that point, my friend & I took off running. While running, my friend pulled out a canister of cashews and wanted to stop into a church to get pepper to sprinkle on them. That was it. Weird eh!??

Update #2: Is my DH still in that horrible job? Yes. There's been a lot of sh*t going on at his job over the past few months. A few weeks ago, it got to the point that DH called in sick for a few days because he just needed to get some space and perspective on it.

By the end of his self-imposed hiatus, DH went back to work to put in his transfer papers. Management freaked and refused to even let him file his papers. They didn't know that the sh*t had gotten to the point it had gotten to (or they did and were just not sure what to do). Either way, the kingpin of the jerks was hauled in by management and told he was being transferred asap. This transfer still hasn't happened but we're hoping that once this occurs, the rest of the jerks will stop their crap. You know how the theory goes...cut the head off the snake...

Update #3: How's my smelly cat? He's awesome. No more pooping around the house.

And that crazy weight loss? It was totally a mistake on the vet's part. A relief for me but at the same time, a very big "doh!" on the vet's work. There was never any weight loss. The vet had weighed my cat inside his carrier last year and without his carrier this year...hence, the ~~crazy weight loss~~ 6 lb difference. The vet that weighed him last year is that Dr. that is not very fond of cats so she didn't even bother taking him out of his carrier for his weigh-in. The Dr. this year is the nice Dr. who actually handles cats when they come in and weigh them on the scale without their carriers. PHEW!!!!

Update #4: How's my mum? She's okay. Nothing has really changed but I thought I keep all my readers updated. Speaking of my mom, I had a really weird phone call from an old friend last week that I'm still thinking about. This is how it went:

Me: Hello

Friend: Hey....how are you?

Me: Uh, fine...we haven't talked in ages! (I've actually called her tons of times and left messages but never received any calls back)

Friend: well, first off, I wanted to get some information from you that I know you have (blah blah blah...)

After I give her the info, she says "geez...we haven't talked in so long. How have you been doing? How's your mommmmmyy...has she passed away yet?"

OMG. WHO ASKS THAT???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I answered as best as I could by saying "yeah...she's fine. Still chugging along. But if something happened, don't you think I would have called you?". She said something about it being so long since we've talked that she wasn't sure if I would have called. I didn't even get into the number of unanswered messages that I've left over the past year. I was at work so I made an excuse to end the conversation. I am still reeling. What a bizarre thing to ask someone!

That's all for the updates today...off to get my eyebrows waxed. I know a fellow blogger who will smile about that :)

Help Wanted?

2008-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

I am considering applying for a different job at work that was recently posted. It's right up my alley and in the field I have a degree in. I've been working at my company for many years now in a job that I don't want to do the rest of my life. It's not a career-type job as far as I'm concerned.

So...the deadline for applications for this posting is in 2 days. Should I apply? I'm feeling oddly nervous about the whole thing. I find that postings at my work are often just lip service...i.e. they already have someone basically lined up for the position but they post it anyways just to make it appear to be a fair competition.

And... my current job is good right now. I like the people I work with and have mastered everything at my desk. The new job would be with people I don't know and I'm not sure I want to know! Yes, comfort and familiarity are lulling me into not applying. But my future is calling me. What should I do?!

Fresh Obsessed

2008-04-21T12:01:00.001-07:00

"Fresh Obsessed" - it is a nice little slogan that a grocery chain uses and it also describes me in a way. I can't help it. I always check expiry dates of items when I'm shopping and when I take items out of the fridge. It's so hard-wired into me that I sometimes do it without even noticing! My in-laws catch me peeking at dates on items at their houses and tease me. I honnestly can't help myself!

I also discard of leftovers within 48 hours; I think that's pretty reasonable. My DH laughs at me and calls me the "fridge nazi". He's the exact opposite. Before we lived together, he'd let things literally rot in his fridge. It was SO disgusting.

This weekend, I was at a friend's house and went to get the mayo out of the fridge. Expiry: May 2007. OMG!!! Experiences like that confirm and fuel my obsession. The mayo looked perfectly normal in the jar (I didn't open it - checked date first) but a year past expiry? Yeeeech.

Beep Beep!

2008-04-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you asked my DH, he would say he is an excellent driver and I am an adequate driver. This often appears to be the case with men and women. I say appears because I often find men think they're superior drivers to women. Sure, maybe this is true in some cases and in someways.

My DH gently points out when he thinks I'm doing something wrong when I'm driving. And as gentle as he is somedays, I just want to scream "get in the backseat if you're going to be a backseat driver!". Two things that drive my DH insane is that I don't check my mirrors often enough (hello, my mirrors are useless and I was never taught about mirrors - bad, but true!) and he also doesn't think I'm aware enough of things. He thinks I should have a grid in my head of all the cars around me (like 5 cars ahead, behind and beside). I argue that this "grid" is constantly changing and I've got other things to worry about!

My DH volleys back that when he learned to drive, some of the first things he learned were to constantly check his mirrors (like every 8 seconds or something crazy?!) and have a picture in his mind of all the cars around him (easy when you live in the middle of nowhere!). I reminded my DH that he learned to drive in the middle of nowhere while I learned to drive in the city. And when you learn to drive in the city, there's no grace period or learning curve - you're put right out there into crazy traffic and you'd better learn to swim or sink! Does this post ring some bells for you? Yes, it's loosely related to an earlier post about city vs country.

One thing my DH (and his family) fail to recognize is the set of skills it takes to drive in a big city. I brought this up this past weekend as a conversation piece and they quickly realized and agreed that city driving is quite different from country driving. They noted that when they visit us, that driving in the city is quite different (I think nerve-wracking is the word they were looking for). There's literally a million cars, bicyclists in tiny "bike lanes", taxis galore, pedestrians crossing legally & illegally everywhere, insane laws about when/where you can/can't turn....the list goes on.

I think if you drive & stay alive in the city, you deserve the title of EXCELLENT DRIVER - just like those country folks! Bravo to all my fellow city drivers!!

Work to Live

2008-03-31T12:51:00.000-07:00

Some people in this world live to work. They are workaholics who are first at the office in the morning and last to leave at night. They come in their own time on weekends. This is definitely not me.

I work to live. My life is #1 and my work is just the means to support it financially. I arrive at the office at 9am and leave at 5pm. I don't take the two 15-minute allowed breaks and I find I am working through lunch more & more. My team at work rarely takes lunch. I don't know why. They seem to be content to sit at their desks through lunch and nibble on food and continue to work. It's not like we're that busy. We're busy but that's insane.

I like to take a break at lunch and go for a walk; meet a friend or go to the little gym (when I can coax my butt into gear). But sitting at my desk non-stop for 8 hours is just too much. I don't even smoke so I'm missing out on all sorts of breaks there too!

But I am just rambling now. The real reason I started this post is because my DH is miserable at work. He transferred work deparments six months ago to one of the most elite/hard-to-get-into departments in his organization. He was thrilled to get into this unit but it unfortunately turned out it was more like jumping from the frying pan to the fire. The work part is interesting but the team he got placed on are a bunch of a$$holes. I don't usually swear that much but that's how bad these people are. They are purposely mean and unhelpful to him and go out of their way to make him look bad.

I know he's my husband so I might be called bias, but he is intelligent and really good at his job. He's a hard worker at work and is a friendly guy who could easily fit into any team. Except this team. I can't believe some of the things these people do.

DH hated this team from day one. He kept an open mind and thought he'd at least stay for his probation period (6 months) and see how things progressed. It's been 6 months and there's no progression. He's tried to be as flexible and "cool" as possible and this team is still driving him insane.

This past weekned, I finally snapped. DH has been miserable for six months now. Everything is negative in his world because he is so unhappy at work and it's seeping into the rest of his life. I try to point out or plan fun things and he's just inconsolable. So I finally had a mini breakdown. It's exhausting being around someone so unhappy all the time. You start thinking maybe it's you causing the unhappiness.

DH recognized that he has to do something. He made a phone call to a friend in another unit and asked if they need people and how their unit is. He's planned in his head to talk to his manager next week (he's away this week) and figure out a plan. He talked to his manager before and I think he realizes the problems but doesn't seem to be able to address them.

I hope things turn around for DH at work. Not to sound like a whack-job, but I promoted positive-thinking to DH because all he does (literally) is grumble and complain alot of the time. He tried it for one day yesterday and said it wasn't working too well. I said "well, it took you six months to get this depressed and down so it's going to take a lot longer than 24 hours to get undepressed!".

It's amazing how much of an effect your job can have on your entire life. You spend so many hours a week at your job that if you're not happy (ok, at least content) there, then how are you going to be happy at home?

The Country Mouse and the City Mouse

2008-03-18T07:17:00.001-07:00

I liken myself and my DH to this children's story somedays. I was born & raised in the city and absolutely love it. My DH was born & raised in the country and moved to the city in his early 20's to pursue his career.

When I leave the city to visit the country, I enjoy my time there but miss the city. I sigh with relief when I see the business towers when re-entering the city. My DH has climatized to living in the city but still gets rather home-sick and frustrated with city life. I think this is especially true when there's crazy snowfalls and the simplest things become quite complicated. He also missed the vast amounts of space that he grew up with. In the city, you have to be quite a good organizer and not a crazy pack-rat (which is something we're slowly getting better at!) and learn to make do with less space.

This got me to thinking about the variety of people who live, work in or visit the city. There seems to be 4 categories:
(1) born, raised and live in city
(2) born, raised in city and now lives in suburbs (possibly commutes into city for work)
(3) born, raised and lives in country
(4) born, raised in country and now lives in city (very rare group).

I think this last group is the rarest and also has the hardest transition. Most people who live in the country can't STAND the city! They go on about how dirty, overcrowded, dangerous and congested the city is. When my in-laws do this, it gets my blood boiling. That's my home that they're cutting up!!

I used to not say much when they got started but then I gradually started defending the poor city. Then one day, I snapped. I said "hey, that's my HOME you're trashing. Do I ever sit & trash where you live? Have you ever lived in the city? (no) Then all the things you're saying are based on what?" Yeah...that shut them up. Haven't heard much in the way of city-trashing in quite some time!

Early in our marriage, the parents-in-laws worried about my safety at night when my husband would work late. They'd call me at home to check on me. It was rather sweet of them but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I feel safer in the city than anywhere else. There are literally millions of people around! We live so close to our neighbours that I could literally drag myself to my next-door neighbour if I needed to. And I like that. I like that my neighbours are literally a few feet away from me. Our emergency services are top notch - I've had to call a few times and they show up very quickly! I think I would feel unsafe in a house in an isolated place. That would freak me out. But give me a few million people, some crackheads and neighbours living on top of me, I'm at home!

Thank You

2008-03-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly starting to feel human again. That was quite a mini meltdown I had over the past couple of days. I think everyone has them. Every so often, life just gets overwhelming and you just can't cope. Despair and sadness set in and you're soon bawling your eyes out. I was wishing I could just run away from everything - my family, my work, my life. I was thinking life would be so much easier if you just hit re-set and start a fresh one.

Nothing has really changed from my last post except for my ability to cope. My mom's nursing home is still not open to visitors, I'm still a lost little child in some ways and my DH's ex is still a very touchy nerve for me. But I've talked to friends and my sibling and sat and blogged my heart out and I'm starting to feel better. My sibling pointed out that I have a lot of little things going on and that stress/sadness are cumulative and sometimes creeps up on you and BAM! You're a basketcase before you can even reach for a kleenex (make sure it's 2 ply).

Last night, I did relaxing things at home. I soaked in the hot tub, I had a glass of wine... I watched my soap opera...I read (I finished my latest bookclub pick so this was extra-curricular reading!). It was a much needed, therapeutic-type of night.

And lastly, I will talk about the title of this post: Thank you. I'm not sure how many reader(s) I have. I'm not sure if anyone I don't know reads this blabbering blog. But blogging helped me through these past couple of rough days. I wrote in my blog; I read other blogs. And I want to say thank you for reading and thank you for writing. It's really helped. :)

It's a wedding. It's a funeral. It's a ???

2008-03-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the G*d-forsaken, dreaded event this weekend. Despite having the worst snowstorm our city has seen in years, we went. Some people that I was really counting on to show up, didn't. I think their quiet support would have helped a bit. Snowstorm was their scapegoat. WE GOT THERE...why couldn't they?

It was a bizarre event. My DH's ex was the guest of honour ("GOH") and several people commented that it felt like we were at a mini wedding and or funeral. There was a mini movie presentation on the GOH followed by speeches from friends, her mom and herself and to top it off, there was some sort of bonbonierre take-away. How bizarre!! Upon reflection yesterday, I felt like I had attended a 5 hour informercial/timeshare info-session on the GOH.

Emotionally, it was hard. How would you like to sit and listen for 5 hours about how amazing your SO's ex is? Christ, by the end of it, I wondered why they had broken up if she's so awesome. I felt pretty lonely at this event. The GOH had a ton of friends there, including an army of gays who were constantly fawning over her, fixing her hair and makeup and boosting ego every 30 seconds.

I smiled through the evening and kept a vision of Princess Diana in my mind. That woman had grace. She went through some crappy situations in her life and always kept a polite smile on her face. My Princess Diana routine continues today as I see little snide remarks made under photos of me from the event on facebook (I keep my profile pretty privatized so I don't think the culprits even know I'm on there/can see their pics and remarks). Can you imagine being in the tabloids like celebrities? I couldn't take it!

I had a complete & utter breakdown yesterday. Not just about this stupid event. About life in general. There are days when a girl needs her mom to run home to and sit and bawl her eyes out over a cup of tea (or a nip of wine as my mom used to say "here dear...take a sip of this, it'll calm your nerves"). I don't have that luxury. I don't have the simple luxury of talking to my mom. I would have gone to visit her in the nursing home, but it's in lockdown this week due to an influenza outbreak.

So that leads to another thing to have a meltdown about... I worry about my mom when there's a lockdown because I can't see her and see if she's ok. There's been a few times where I've had to point out to the home that she's sick and needs medical attention. Don't get me wrong...the home is wonderful and I couldn't ask for my mom to be living in a better place. But somedays, they're understaffed and don't notice every little sniffle that every resident has right away.

Those thoughts lead to thoughts of despair about my dysfunctional family. After my dad passed away when I was in high school, my family became quite screwed up. My siblings are constantly in battle or not talking to each other. Meanwhile, our mom got sick and we had to co-ordinate our efforts in her care. It's been a brutal road. It's hard enough to handle a parent being sick but never mind when your siblings are ready to strangle each other. Being the youngest (by a long shot) child, I've always fallen in the middle of the battles. I always try to promote peace to deaf ears. I always try to coordinate holidays at my house so it's on "neutral" ground. But I get tired of this role and how things have not improved over the years. With Easter coming up, I'm lamenting how whacked things are and how I wish things could be better.

Which lead to another round of tears about how I feel so alone in the world somedays. Having your parents ill/pass away starting when your 10 years old is hard. You grow up overnight on your own and basically don't have anywhere/anyone to turn back to if things go wrong. It made me mature faster than my friends but at the same time, I feel like I missed out on parental guidance. And now, somedays, I wish so much that I had real, alive & well parents to go home to. I feel like I was kicked out of the fabled nest too young and too early. I had to deal with things that you usually don't deal with until you're an adult. And now that I am an adult (well, at least biologically), I feel like I want to be a child again and run and bawl my eyes out to my mom.

Attention all passengers...

2008-03-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Get this - I go to catch the 8:20 bus this morning. I'm out there at 8:10am because we had yet another snowstorm overnight and it was continuing this morning. I wasn't going to miss my bus.

My neighbourhood is an "up & coming" area of the city. Read: we live in an iffy part of the city but at least we could afford a house there and we hope the neighbourhood is turning around. My bus stop has 2 routes that stop at it: "Bus Route A" (aka crackheads-express) and "Bus Route B" (my bus route that caters to more of the downtown office crowd). The two routes go to distinctly different subway lines ("Route B" going towards the line that's more direct route to downtown).

So crackheads-express arrives at the bus stop first and is loading passengers. My bus comes along behind it and decides to bypass the stop and just keeps going (it's HALF EMPTY!!). I jump, scream & wave my arms and he keeps going. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..... this bus only comes once every 20 minutes if you're lucky.

Looks like I'm getting on the crackheads-express. But no....the crackheads-express bus closes its doors (probably thinking I'm the biggest crackhead ever!) and zooms away. I'm standing there with no bus and it's now 8:22 am. F__K.

So now this is where you'd be proud. I'm wearing my old runners b/c I find I get better traction on snow with runners than boots. I sprint 2 city blocks to chase the crackheads-express and get on it at the next stop. Yep, I caught it. I told the driver that the other bus bypassed the stop and missed me and he just shrugged his shoulders. In the first 2 seats, yep, you guessed it. A crackhead couple fighting over something. Next stop is "I hate public transit"..."I hate public transit" is next.

Hair

2008-03-04T09:49:00.000-08:00

I have a hair appointment tonight. Part of me is happy because I haven't got my hair done since mid-December so it's starting to look a little ragged and dull. Part of me is dreading the appointment because it takes so long, my highlighter is a freak and it costs so much money. I used to enjoy going to get my hair done when I didn't have a mortgage (and this expense...and that expense...). I also used to enjoy conversations with my previous highlighters - the new guy just isn't so fun to chat with.

I feel a bit guilty and spoiled for even daring to complain or blog about this. There's plenty of people out there who are sick or poor and will never have the luxury of going to a nice salon to get their hair done. But for women who do get their hair done at a nice salon, you KNOW what I am blogging about.

I mentioned to my DH that I had an appointment tonight and how I've been trying to stretch out the time between appointments because it's so expensive. He, like most men, are completely clueless when it comes to women's hair. They have NO idea how expensive it is. His jaw dropped when I told him it costs approximately $200 for highlights, a cut and a manicure. I know that's alot. But I try to go only 4/times a year. And I really don't trust cheapy places - they could butcher my hair and burn my scalp. I know that in his mind, he was thinking "why don't you just go to Top Cuts like me for $12 cuts?". I've witnessed other couples have this EXACT same conversation. Guys just don't get it.

My DH would never tell me that I can't go. I have a job and a budget (kinda) and my hair appointments are one of my luxuries. But I think I felt myself looking to justify the need (to myself...not to DH). I said my hair needs a cut and highlights because it's looking ragged, dull & limp. My DH tried to say my hair didn't look too bad. He questioned how colour is going to help the limpness. I said that colour boosts hair volume and texture. This fascinated him. It was quite funny to watch him digest this newly acquired information. Again, it confirmed that DH has no idea when it comes to women's hair appointments. He's completely in the dark when it comes to this.

Early Spring Cleaning

2008-03-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

This weekend, DH was working so I took it upon myself to get the house in better shape. Yes, I know we have a cleaning lady, but she's not a miracle worker. She does dusting, bathroom & kitchen cleaning, washes floors and vacuums (99% of it...you'll see what I mean later in post). But she doesn't organize the loads of junk that we have around.

DH and I are a little pack rats. He is much worse than me. Together, we create mounds of clutter. This weekend, I attacked it full speed:

-I collected 2 garbage bags full of crap from around the house this weekend. I read it on some website that if you feel like your house is not organized and is cluttered, to go around with a garbage bag and collect 27 items to throw out in one swoop. Even a pen that no longer works. Pick anything to make 27 items. If you do this now & then, you'll de-clutter. I can't remember the website right now but I'll definitely edit this post when I remember. I read it ages ago and kept this little gem from it.

-I took down & washed heavy curtains in our bedroom and rehung them (was prepared for them to fall apart in wash and have to go buy news ones - they're over 5 yrs old and from a discount place, what can you expect? but they lived through it and look pretty good). You wouldn't believe how dusty/dirty they were.

-I vacuumed under our bed and behind our heavy, awkward nightstands. WOW. Huge dust accumulation. Gross.

-I scrubbed our shower with a Mr. Clean pad and some BAM! with great vigour. This is one area that I think our cleaning lady could do better in but I have to admit that I'm a little scared to bring up any faults with her. I don't want to tick her off!

-I found items around the house that have been "missing". They were actually just misplaced and needed to be located and put in their rightful spots. DH is pretty bad about putting things back in their spots much to my dismay.

-I started to fold up my side-business. I've been selling direct-sales for a couple years and honnestly, it's hard to keep up with the quotas for the little income/tax benefits. So I sent out an email on Friday night letting my customers know that I'll be closing shop in 2 months (gives time for customers to order those things they have been waffling about!). I also sorted out a lot of stuff (inventory, paperwork, etc.) from my business that I've just been dumping in a spare bedroom.

DH also did some de-cluttering last week on his days off. He finally organized his workshop. It's been a disaster since we moved into our house over 5 years ago. I can't tell you how happy this made me. I used to cringe when DH needed a tool and had to go look for it in the workshop. It usually ended with DH totally frustrated and tossing things in his workshop around while cursing. I am SO amazed at how good and organized his workshop is now.

Now that I think about it, I think he actually inspired me to do some spring cleaning!

Edit: I remembered the website that taught me about finding 27 items to throw out -http://www.flylady.net/

El Cheapo

2008-02-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

I love being frugal but I've also learned there are a few things in life that you just can't cheap out on:

Face Wash - I recently learned this the hard way. I opted for a cheaper face wash and my face broke out terribly. I'm in my 30's so I figured zits were behind me as I haven't had a breakout in almost a decade. They're not behind me. I kept trying this cheaper face wash for a few weeks thinking that maybe my skin had to adjust to it. Nope. So I'm back on my ridiculous face wash that I've used for a million years and guess what - my face cleared up promptly.

Kleenex and TP - For someone with allergies like me, good Kleenex is a must. Cheapie Kleenex falls apart and has a lot of "dust". Do you know what I mean? Have you ever shaken a Kleenex in sunlight? There seems to be some weird "dust" that flies off it. Same goes for TP - you don't need the most expensive toilet paper, but whimpy thin TP doesn't cut it.

Chips & Pop - Nothing worse than watery, tasteless pop and crumbled chips (and usually half the bag filled with air). I remember when a friend of mine finally realized this and started buying brand-name chips and pop. For years, she'd offer to bring chips & pop to parties or gatherings and I'd cringe and say not to bother because she firmly believed in buying no-name chips & pop and I couldn't convince her of the luxury she was missing out on with brand-name. Now she KNOWS and has never turned back.

What else? What do you say? What item should you not cheap out on?

My inner nerd

2008-02-27T07:51:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm a nerd inside.

In highschool, I wasn't a cool kid hanging outside smoking and looking unapproachable. I hung around with a small group of great friends. I took computers from grade 10 to OAC (and got a 95% in OAC computers!). I actually transferred high schools because my first high school didn't have computers and didn't have plans to get any in the near future. Hello, it was 1989 and it was about time to get with technology! And besides, my first high school was all-girls Catholic school full of mean girls from my elementary school.

Another nerdy thing about me...I'm in a book club. My DH and my brother love to make fun of this. I love my book club! It's an eclectic group of people who I enjoy seeing and discussing books (and gossiping) with. We're meeting tonight and I haven't finished the book. It's a hard read and I've been struggling through it.

Last nerdy revelation for today - I have a wii and LOVE it. I absolutely love my wii. Back in the day, I played Wolfenstein, Doom and SimCity and rocked it. I played these games in computer class in highschool after I finished the real school work (and still managed a A+ every year). I wonder if there's SIMs for wii.... hmm. I must check this out.

More rambling

2008-02-26T10:48:00.001-08:00

I feel like I haven't blogged very much over the past couple weeks and today, I'm feeling rather chatty.

I have an event coming up in March that I'm dreading. UGH how I'm dreading it. Through a group of friends, my DH still has contact with his ex (the one right before me). I'm not terribly thrilled about this because of many events that I've had to attend over the years with her present. There's been some scenes that I'd rather forget. Anyways...we're going to a party in a few weeks where she'll be the guest of honour. G*d, I'd rather sit & pull my natural fingernails out one by one.

However, on the flip side, I have to think positively. At least my DH doesn't keep me in the dark and hidden away regarding his ex. At least he is insisting that I attend this G*d-forsaken event with him and not going by himself on the sly. Trust me, I know this sounds bad but these are the positives that I'm coming up with.

I don't think my DH can appreciate how hard it is to be in my position. My ex before DH took off and was basically never heard from again. My DH didn't have to attend events all the time with my ex present (some were family events...yes FAMILY events...don't even get me started about how DH's ex is still entangled with his family). My DH didn't have my ex looming in the background like a cloud in the sky, just waiting to pounce back into the picture. I'm telling you, it's HARD....it's hard to have an ex hanging around.

It's hard enough to get to know and trust someone without this extra variable in the picture. It's hard to have an ex still all friendly with the family when you're new on the scene and trying to gain trust and be liked. So if anyone's reading out there that's on the other side of this equation, read this post a few times.

If you truly like/love your current significant other ("SO") and things are definitely over with an ex, then act like it. Cut the ex out and commit yourself to the current/future. It's not fair to yourself and others to keep all these variables floating around. Even if your current SO says they're comfortable/cool with the whole ex-being-in-the-picture, it's still not cool. Maybe the SO thinks they're cool with it but really, their sub-conscious probably says otherwise.

Of course, I'm talking about exes in the context of ex without any kids together. If there are kids together, then I think that's a whole other story.

Wow. Wasn't that was a sermon from the mount. Onto lighter things...

WHEN is Spring coming?!

2008-02-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

I think I’ve had enough of winter. I don’t mean to be a whiny Canadian but enough already. And I’m sick of those fellow Canadians who say “well, it’s winter in Canada, eh?” UGHH!! Shut up already!!

This past weekend, my DH and I were both as irritable as bears with thorns in our butts. You know those days where you're just so crusty that you could even end up being irritated by Mother Theresa? Yep, on Sunday, we were in fine states. I think it’s a combination of the extra snowy and cold winter, family and friend stresses, work stresses and lack of a vacation this year. We opted out of a winter vacation this year due to several reasons and it’s amazing how much we miss it.

Before our relationship, my DH didn’t take vacations. But then I came along and forced him to go on his first real all-inclusive vacation and now he’s hooked. He doesn’t easily admit this except this year, he did. His work life has been really crappy this year. He transferred to a new department and it’s pretty well been total crap. His co-workers are really weird people and he’s just hating work so a vacation would have been a good thing this year. I feel bad because I’m the one who basically put the brakes on our vacation this year by pointing out a few things that pointed towards us staying home.

It turns out that it was just as well as the week that we had thought about going away, we both got these INSANE colds. Extreme chills and fevers (all within a few minutes), congestion, cough, no energy and a headache that would make you swear your head was going to explode. Probably not the best health to be travelling to a foreign country with.

The winter has also been pretty bad this year in Canada. We’ve gotten more snow in the past month than we have in the past 2 winters combined. I find lots of snow makes everything harder. If you live in the city and have street-parking, even parking becomes this huge issue. Heck, even GETTING to the car parked on the street is a challenge in our neighbourhood. Some genius who designed our area put this HUGE Boulevard of grass starting at the roadside with a width of about 12 ft or so for the length of our block. So after there’s been a million snowstorms (ok, maybe I exaggerate a tiny bit), everyone dumps their snow from their sidewalks onto this Boulevard and the snow ends up piled 4ft high. Hmmm…so how do we get from the sidewalk (which lie beside the houses) across this ridiculous mountain of snow to the road where our cars are “parked”. I say “parked” because there’s tons of snow on the road too and cars are just jammed in between mountains of snow and ice. Ugh… trust me, it’s not pretty. Especially when you’re trying to carry stuff to/from the car.

I’m going to do some work now but I’ll be back later… lots more miscellaneous rambling where this came from.

Smelly Cat

2008-02-12T08:34:00.001-08:00

Smelly Cat...smelly cat...what are they feeding you?

Our poor cat has been pooping all over the house for months now. He still pees in his litter box so it's not like he's forgotten what his box is (he's getting older...so I know he might be a little senile at 14 yrs old). I've been avoiding taking him to the vet because he goes completely insane (we're talking Tazmanian Devil) at the vet's and I'm dreading the trip. But this past weekend, I finally bit the bullet and took him because my DH was freaking out about it (I guess I just pick up the poop and shrug it off but DH absolutely loses it when he finds poop like it's kryptonite).

The vet did the works on him and found that he has tons of poop all built up. He's constipated. So he associates going to the box to poop with pain. (hmmm...but it doesn't hurt when you go on the carpet? ok...). The vet prescribed some hairball meds that act as a laxative and also said to ensure his litter is scent-free (oops!). I immediately went and bought scent-free litter and threw out all the scented stuff (even though he's used it for years...he apparently might not like it anymore...I think that the manufacturer might have changed the formula slightly and that might be causing his sudden dislike). Gave him his hairball meds (it's a gel that you make him eat by forcing it in his mouth or wiping it on his paw which he'll lick). A miracle happened. For the past few days, he's been pooping in his BOX!!! Hoorray!!!!!

However, another thing we discovered at the vet is that the cat has apparently lost 6 lbs in the past year (he used to weigh 17, now weighs 11). That is quite significant weight loss for a cat. The vet was concerned that he might have diabetes or hyper-thyroid so she did a geriatric blood screen. She called me Monday morning with his results and said "we could only wish to be as healthy as him...his blood work is PERFECT". Still doesn't explain the crazy weight loss. But then I was thinking that we changed food exactly a year ago to ~~expensive~~ good food from the vet's because of that tainted/poisonous pet food scandal. The cat used to eat stuff from Petsmart which the vet likened to eating McDonalds. So if you went from eating McDonalds everyday for 13 years to eating healthy food, I think you'd lose weight too! But the vet says 6lbs is still alot to be explained by just that. We're going to keep monitoring him and see what transpires...but for now, I'm just thrilled that he's back to pooping in his litter box and his blood work came back with outstanding results. Even though he's just a cat....he's my little buddy who I LOVE.

The Motherlode Post

2008-02-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hey...I'm ready to whine, vent and complain. Get ready.

Last week, when I was sick, I realized just how much of a "guy's guy" that my husband (we'll call him DH from now on) is. This doesn't usually bother me and I've accepted that he's quite lazy & useless when it comes to household chores. He does outdoor and car stuff very well so I figure I'll just do the inside stuff. I've never cut the grass and I think I've shovelled snow twice in 5 years. I don't have anything to do with the upkeep of the cars. Plus, I hired a cleaning lady about a year ago because I was so sick of cleaning up after DH. Sure, I make messes too but I clean up after myself. I was on the brink of insanity when I hired her. It seemed like I was cleaning the house, doing the laundry and going for groceries every weekend while my husband didn't lift a finger. We'd fight about it and I'd get so mad that I'd start to despise him. I don't make a ton of money so we agreed to hire a cleaning lady and split the cost. For the $1200 a year that it costs me, it's WORTH IT. I don't spend my weekends cleaning and cursing under my breath at DH anymore. So...back my earlier point of being sick last week and being reminded about DH's domestic shortcomings. Some examples from last week:

During last week when I was at my sickest, DH offers to make pasta & sauce for dinner (we basically ate take out for days since I wasn't cooking). He goes to look for the stuff (it's the Oliveri refridge pasta & sauce) and is not finding it. Honnestly...does it need to leap out of the fridge onto the counter!?!?!?!? So then he doesn't know how to cook it (hint - there's this great thing on packages called INSTRUCTIONS) so I have to guide him a bit. He gets bored standing watching the pots so goes out of his way to get a cordless phone from the office so he can call a coworker while cooking. He stands still talking in the kitchen for about 30 seconds and then starts walking around the house and guess what happens in the kitchen. The pasta boils over all over the friggin' stove. He rushes back in there and turns it down and then later, doesn't bother to clean up the mess (incl. the bit splotches of sauce that he's somehow got all over the stove too). He simply leaves everything (the pots, the mess and all) after dinner. I end up cleaning it up the next day when I'm starting to feel better.

When looking for simple things in the kitchen, DH has no idea where things are kept. We've lived in our house for over 5 years and he still has to look through drawers to find the saran wrap like its location changes everyday. I feel like screaming "do you live here or did you just move in yesterday?!"

Our cleaning lady came this past Friday. LESS THAN 24 HOURS later....on Saturday, DH is swishing Listerine around his mouth in bathroom and spits it into sink without water running and walks off. This leaves a giant blue splash all over the sink to dry. I yell after him "hello, can you not rinse the sink after - it's no wonder we need a cleaning lady!!!!!!!!!!" On Monday morning, he shaves at sink and leaves hair, shaving cream and water all over the place - it looks like he was shaving a rabid wild boar in the bathroom.

Ok, I feel better now spewing about all these ridiculous things. I know I might sound spoiled in some ways but last week when I was sick, I couldn't believe how bad DH is in the household department. I started crying at one point when I was by myself imagining IF we ever had children, it would basically be another job for me. I can't see DH actually taking care of a child when he can barely boil pasta and put sauce on it. I shuddered at the thought and thanked G*d that I was just sick with a cold and that I'd eventually get over it and be back on my feet because if I was off my house-duties much longer, I'm pretty sure I would have a complete meltdown on DH ... who wouldn't have a clue what I'm freaking out about....because he's a guy's guy...and this is something I've accepted. Except when I'm sick.

I'm back

2008-02-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

Hello! I'm back. I've been sick since last Friday night. No kidding.

My husband brought home a nasty cold from work a couple days before that and I tried to avoid catching it like the plague. That didn't work out so well. By Friday night, I was coughing. Saturday and Sunday, I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I was coughing, congested and felt like my head was going to explode. I kept a wet, cool facecloth over my eyes most of the time because I was insanely sensitive to light (even light from TV so I didn't even get to enjoy TV on my sick days). I had no energy what-so-ever. I couldn't believe how hard this cold hit. I ended up going to a walk-in on Tuesday to get antibiotics to kill off whatever was causing this because it clearly wasn't going anywhere after 4 days.

I'm pretty sure it was a super-virus created in a lab to wipe out a nation and I somehow caught it. My husband didn't get it as bad - he was up & around by Sunday. I am only getting slightly better now.

While I was off, I had a few ~~moments~~ meltdowns. I'll write about them later...you'll laugh at the insane thoughts!

Huh?

2008-01-22T13:05:00.001-08:00

This past weekend, I had either food poisoning or some kind of nor-virus. I barfed...and barfed and barfed. And then I had such a pounding headache from the barfing (there was a ton of pressure!) that I was praying for death at some points.

I contacted the restaurant that I ate at (Casey's) and they have not responded at all (nice). I also contacted the city's public health department on advice from a coworker since our city monitors restaurants and illnesses. The City was really good - they called me back right away and conducted a full interview of where I've been/what I've eaten/etc. They told me that there is a high number of cases of a nor-virus in the city right now so that is a possibility...especially since I was visiting a nursing home within the 48 hours beforehand. Lovely.

I'm recovering from the stomach ailment but in other health news, my throat has been kinda sore & swollen on and off for a few days. The swelling actually spread into the roof of my mouth at one point which was really uncomfortable and weird. The swelling in the roof is going down but now my tongue is feeling swollen! How weird is that? Honnestly, I have never felt such weirdness going on in my mouth. My tongue feels too big for my mouth and I keep accidentally biting the sides. Plus I feel like my speech is a bit off. It's hard to pronounce words when your tongue is too big for your mouth! So that's why I titled this entry "huh?" because I feel like a lot of people must be wanting to say that to me these past couple of days!

Chef the Crossing Guard

2008-01-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

On my way to work this morning, I saw one of our neighbourhood crossing guards and finally realized who he reminds me of. Chef from South Park. He looks exactly like him! (BTW, this is my first picture on my blog - how exciting!)

This crossing guard guy cracks me up. Every morning, he's out there giving "props" to all the kids who just love him. The kids get all their fists clenched and ready to receive their daily greeting from their trusty crossing guard. I imagine him saying in Chef's voice "hello there Childrens..." They must look forward to seeing him every morning on their way to school. Geez, I look forward to seeing him just because he makes me smile at 8am (which is pretty hard to do!)

Buddy

2008-01-15T08:03:00.001-08:00

This weekend, I heard the phrase "okay buddy" TOO many times!!! The context it was used in is an adult speaking to a child. I don't have kids but I see many different parenting styles through relatives and friends.

The one style that irks me is when the children are clearly out of control, obnoxious and rude while the parents stand by and allow it. This weekend, I was visiting with such children. Their parents use the phrase "okay buddy" almost constantly and in an apologetic/coaxing/hopeful tone. I'll show examples of this through scenes:

Child is clearly mishandling their pet to the point of hurting pet. This is not the first time the child has done this and is never really disciplined or told firmly NOT to do this. Instead, the parent coos "hey...don't do that to the pet...okay buddy????". Not much later, the kid is dragging the pet around again. I think children can sense tones and limits. These kids KNOW their parents are not going to punish them.

Another scene, from a few weeks ago....we're in church and it's been snowing outside so we're all wearing messy winter boots. One of these kids keeps bringing his feet up on the seat, quasi-lying down. This kid is old enough that he's not in need of a nap. He's just a restless kid in church. I tell him a few times to not put his feet on the seat (because his parents are just ignoring his behaviour as usual).

I actually explain to this kid that his boots are messy (like duh, he doesn't know that) and that people wear nice clothes to church so he shouldn't put his feet on the seat (and I'm sitting beside him and his frigging feet keep wiping across my good coat).

He openly, loudly and with attitude says he "doesn't care if people wear nice clothes to church and his boots get the seats dirty". WTF!?!?!? OMG I can't stand it. Finally, another adult in our group says "hey buddy....don't put your feet on the seat....okay buddy???". The kid complies for a whole 5 minutes and is back at it.

Sure, I'm not a parent and I have next to no experience in kids but this is absurd. Why do some parents take this soft approach with their kids???

Dear Diary...

2008-01-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays, a younger relative received a journal as a present. It was a gorgeous little book. This sparked a question among the group "who currently keeps/used to keep a journal?".

I did. Back in grade 7, it was part of our class. Our teacher insisted that we journal everyday (about whatever we'd like...home, school, friends...etc) if possible and hand the journals into her. She'd read our entries and make comments back to us in the journal. This was nice. The teacher got to know her students on a one-to-one level, we got to share things with a trusted adult and it was a good daily exercise of our creative writing, spelling and etc.

Until one day...

Two things happened: (1) it was parent/teacher interviews and the teacher whipped out our journals and read through them with our parents. That's pretty bad when you're writing out things that you thought were going to be personal between you & your teacher (so called trusted adult!). I wrote that I was afraid of someone in my extended family. Yep, that got laid out and my mom came home and pretty soon, my whole household was notified of this. Most of my family didn't think I had reason to be scared of this person but trust me, it turns out my 12 year old instincts were RIGHT ON. Years later, it was revealed this person was a raging abusive alcoholic to his wife (who has since left him).

(2) the other thing that happened to the journals was that the teacher left them in her IN tray on her desk through the lunch hour. I lived close to the school so I went home for lunch (about 25% of our class went home for lunch). So the other 75% of students would look through the journals and read them aloud to the people who stayed in for lunch. And yes, you can deduct there was no proper supervision during lunch time. There were just hall monitors who would walk from classroom to classroom poking their heads in to make sure everyone was still alive. Of course, you have issues with people in your class when you're in grade 7 so any issues I had were broadcast for all to hear. Our teacher finally clued in and took the journals with her when she went for lunch.

So...back to the original question of who currently journals. I haven't journalled in years...probably because of the unfortunate things that happened way back. But I think blogging qualifies as journalling so here I go!!

Thank you Dr. Freud

2008-01-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a co-worker about Christmas/New Years yesterday and realized something about my roller coster of emotions over the holidays.

I would go from extreme events where people are happy and basically cracked right up about Christmas to sitting by myself with my mom at her nursing home.

My mom cannot really talk or walk anymore. She sits in her wheelchair watching tv/listening to music (I think she still processes it) while I talk and watch her expressions. I also give her a mini manicure while I'm there...I've heard that touch therapy is very good.

So when I think about it, it's no wonder I was happy to see life go back to normal. Some events I attended were showcases of pure gluttony, selfishness and over-indulgence. And these were friends/family events.

These people know that my mom is ill and I don't think anyone asked me about her/when I was going to see her. I brought it up a couple of times and vaguely asked some people to come with me (I know it's hard for people to go to visit someone in a nursing home so I don't push it but make it that the door's open and I'd love company). And people were just so into themselves that they really didn't respond. It means alot to me when someone asks me how my mom is...it really, really does. It's a situation that I've handled for years now and it's a very lonely road.

So there you have it...my armchair analysis of my relief to see the new year!

1 book found

2008-01-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

I thought you'd want to know what happened to my 6 books that I "released" on Friday. One of them got picked up & registered as "found" on bookcrossing.com

The other 5 books? They're still out there...

Free the books!

2008-01-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of bookcrossing.com? It's a website where you register a book and then go leave it somewhere for a stranger to find. It's really fun when someone finds your book. It's like a giant game of hide and seek the book - worldwide. I found out about this site when I was visiting Mexico and I found a book that was left in my hotel room when I checked in. I was hooked.

Today, I "released" 6 books in a shopping centre not far from my work. It's a lot harder to drop books here & there than it sounds! Do you know how many weird looks I get from people when I just leave a book down and walk away? Thank G*d nobody has come chasing after me with a book yet. I get pretty psyched up when I am looking for a place to leave my books and then race back to bookcrossing.com to see if anyone picks them up and registers their "find"!

Buh buh tree!

2008-01-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

So....nice opening post to 2008 that I made. How sad! I took down the Christmas tree last night (as it was tree pick up in my area today) and I'm starting to feel back to normal. No more spontaneous tears!

Going to see my mom tonight. Bought a huge box of Laura Secord chocolates to take to the nursing staff to wish them a Happy New Year (ok...I was supposed to do this on behalf of my family for Christmas and goofed up so I'm doing it now!).

First post ever

2008-01-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

Hey...so it's 2008 and I thought I'd finally try out blogging. I'm thinking it will be like free talk therapy! I can just post my miscellaneous thoughts and get them off my mind and be anonymous :)

One thing that I've been thinking over the past 24 hours is that I'm glad and relieved the holidays are over. I'm not "bah humbug" but I really don't feel like I enjoy the holidays anymore. The last few years have been tough. My mom is terminally ill (she's been sick for many years and is in the last stage of a horrible disease) and the rest of my family is the definition of dysfunctional. The holidays play havoc with my emotions. I am glad life is returning to the everyday normal!

On my 32nd birthday

2007-09-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

I went to see my mom. I think it's very important to see your mom on your birthday -I think it's kind of like your "anniversary" with her.

My mom has had Alzheimer's disease for about 15 years now so she lives in a long term care facility. It's a beautiful facility and I can sleep at night knowing that she's being well cared for.

In the past year or so, my mom's declined quite a bit so when she's having a "good" day, it's really nice to see. Today she had a good day.

Lately, she's been saying more words, showing facial expressions, smiling and focusing better which is weird. Patients lose these abilities and usually don't regain them. And she's moving her arms & legs more than usual too.

I laughed and asked her if she was going to be the first person to recover from Alzheimers and she said yes. I said "if you stand up out of that wheelchair and start walking & talking, I'll faint". She smiled/laughed. I then wondered aloud if they'll ever find a cure for it and wouldn't be amazing if she somehow helped find a cure.

To top off this nice evening, it was beautiful outside (very warm for late September) and there were a ton of little birds in the big maple tree singing like crazy. It was such a nice moment so I took a couple pictures (with my self timer).

Want to know more about Alzheimers? Click here http://www.asmt.org/