A Vent

I've been very hesitant to post this entry. It's been on my mind for a long time. I've waited because I didn't want to post it in the wrong frame of mind or out of frustration or in the midst of the colicky craziness my son had. I didn't want to appear as a bitch or a whiny person.

I've waited until the dust has settled (or at least until I could see a bit of clearing!).

This post is about some friends who have severely let me down. I had tons of friends at one point; now, I have a hard time scraping up plans when we have babysitting. My housewarming party was ridiculously over capacity. Same for the big birthday parties. My bridal shower and baby showers were also a bit overrun. Bring a colicky baby into the picture and voila, people RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! God forbid the new mother has a bit of post-partum depression. Change your phone numbers.

Really.

Okay, I know people get busy with their lives but it just seems very funny timing that an insane baby arrives and poof, I'm sitting alone. Fair weather?

There is one person in particular that really irks me. She lives two doors away and was a pretty close friend until this past year. My DH and I hung out with her and her DH & kids and whoever (i.e. their visiting family members) for years. We were literally in & out of their house like it was ours. When I was pregnant, they were the FIRST TO KNOW. YES, they knew before family or anyone else. That's how close we were. Throughout the pregnancy, they were so supportive. They were going to be there for us and we could count on them.

Wrong.

Right after our son arrived, things changed. There was no major incident and nothing in our friendship changed. They just literally disappeared.

We used to go out every weekend for dinner or order in dinner. No more of that.

They knew our son was super colicky and I was in rough shape both physicallly and emotionally. This was their big signal to HELP!!!

Since then, things have not changed. Over the past 18 months (where does time go?!), they have been distant.

I finally talked to her and said that we missed hanging out with them, weren't sure why things had changed, asked if we did anything to offend them (hey, I know in the midst of colic, you can be grumpy!) and asked if we could hang out sometime. She gave a canned answer (I swear she had it recorded on a chip in her brain) that "for many reasons, it's difficult to hang out/have dinner on weekends". I tried to gently ask what that meant/if they were going through something and got nowhere. I said very diplomatically/in a polite fashion that it had been a rough year and a bit and we really needed them and they weren't there for us.

I even mentioned that when my DH's father died this past spring, they ditched that. They didn't show up to any viewings or the funeral and they sent an EMAIL to express their condolences. Really?! They live TWO DOORS AWAY!!! When I mentioned this (in a very polite, inquisitive manner of course), she rolled her eyes and said the viewings/funeral were an hour away, where my DH grew up. OMG, an HOUR. YOU POOR WOMAN. An hour makes respect go out the window. My DH was so incredibly hurt that our supposed friends couldn't take the time to show respect and support for him when his father (also his best friend) passed away. He looked around the funeral home and the church for them and I could see the hurt in his eyes. I can't tell you how furious I still am inside with them for this. Both of their parents live a plane ride away and my husband and I always said we would be there for them when the time came, no question. Yeah. Maybe now there is a huge question there.

It's funny, people who haven't lost parents don't get how important it is to attend viewings or funerals. It is really important. As the grieving person, you remember who took time out of their precious lives to show respect and support. I actually cut off contact with an old friend (who I've known since we were 14) after she pulled a stunt re: my mother's funeral. It was the last straw and that was it for her. Trust me, it wasn't an easy decision but she had finally pushed my last button.

So back to my original topic of this post: friends letting you down when you need them the most. The person I described above was the star of this show. She lived two doors away from me, knew I was having a hard time and didn't lift a finger to help or support. Christ, I would have died somedays to have her come over while her kids were at school (she stays home) to give me 30 minutes for a shower or a nap.

I had many others who ran for their lives. It was a similar show with my mother. Do you know how much I would have appreciated if a friend would have visited my mother with me at her nursing home instead of me always going there alone (yes, this includes my DH who avoided the place like the plague). I know nursing homes aren't the greatest places so that's why friends need you to join them, even now and then!

As for my colicky son, there were others who offered to help but really, it just wasn't the best logistically. I didn't want to put people out of their way.

But for those who were handy and ran for the hills....YES I HAD A HARD TIME WITH MY MOM AND A HARD YEAR WITH THE COLICKY BABY and that's when I needed you the most.

Two people that I have to give thanks to are my siblings. Yes, I can't believe I'm typing that myself. The two of them (separately, let's not get crazy) have been very supportive over the past 18 months. Any stupidity has been put aside as they have fallen in love with my wild son and have given support whenever they could.

I feel better now that I've posted this, even though the people I'm really talking about won't even read this because I don't publicize this blog with many people. It's my place to vent and just say what I want to without excuses or arguments. Yes, I've tried openly and gently telling these friends that I needed them but they were always too busy or whatever. It's been bugging the crap out of me and I'm sure it is a similar situation for many people out there.

If you have friends in need, BE THERE FOR THEM because they need you and one day, you might WILL need them.

He makes me smile

Time is flying as you can see from how long it’s been since my last post.

My little guy is 16 months old now and I am completely in love with him. He has the best little personality, complete with a range of emotions from happy to sad to angry and everything in between.

He started daycare a couple of months ago and it was terrible. He wailed and screamed for almost 2 weeks straight at daycare. It broke my heart. I was a wreck all day at work and counted the minutes till I could go “rescue” him. He was so upset about being left by me that he was a disaster all day, every day. I wish I could tell him, hey, I sympathize; I was a wreck when my mom used to leave me at school for the first while and an even bigger wreck later in life when she passed away! It never gets easier, my little friend!

The lady who runs the daycare almost kicked him out after a week because she had never seen such a bad transition and said I’d have to hire a private nanny or quit my job and stay home with him. And then one day, he turned and everything was fine. He realized he could have fun all day and that I would faithfully come pick him up every afternoon. A huge sigh of relief from me…

Now, he is having a great time at daycare and I have adjusted to being back at work. I absolutely love the time I spend with him in the morning before work, the afternoons & evenings and weekends. I love to see him smile & wave bye when I drop him off in the morning at daycare and I love to see his face when I arrive to pick him up after work. It’s fascinating to see all the little things he’s learned that day, which brings me to the title of this post…

He makes me smile. He does things to impress, entertain and mimic me. It’s absolutely fascinating to have this little person who is so dependent on you and can’t even really talk or walk yet going out of his way to get a reaction from me. It makes me smile larger and with a sweeter feeling than I’ve ever experienced before. This is love, someone told me. I smile, laugh and/or clap at him and he beams back at me. He is so happy to see my reaction. We have connected and have so much fun together.

On the flipside, he also gets into mischief sometimes and I have to say “no” to him. What a sad little face he puts on! And sometimes, he even looks away in shame. It breaks my heart and I have to try so hard not to smile and give him a mixed message.

So this is what it feels like to be on the “other side” as a mom and not a child. It’s an amazing experience and I am so thankful to be having it.

Goodbye, old friend

I had to say goodbye to a dear old friend this week. I'm surprised I didn't write more about him before on my blog.

He was my 18 year old cat. This poor guy has been through thick and thin with me. I can't tell you the number of times he sat with me while I cried. He'd gently lick my hands, cuddle up to me or give me the most understanding looks (I know, sounds bizarre, but animals can totally tell when you're upset).

I adopted my cat when he was a kitten from the pound. He was a bit of a runt but I knew right away he was "the one". One of the main reasons I adopted him was because I'd become an insomniac after my father passed away and then my mother started to show signs of Alzheimers. I'd sit up at night, unable and not wanting to sleep. My father passed away overnight and I found him the next morning in the living room. Some people mentioned my mom might pass away soon after because of how much she missed my dad. I really didn't want to have another dead parent on my watch so the insomnia began. I'd sleep a little here and there but jump awake at the slightest sound. Occasionally, my mother would have a bad night where she would try to run away to "go home" or come bursting into my room to demand her stuff back that she believed I'd stolen. Yep, nights were long and lonely. And that's where my little friend fit in perfectly.

Cats are naturally nocturnal so my new little buddy would hang out with me during these difficult times and keep me company. I also had a horrible fear of my mom needing an ambulance one day and I was terrified to wait for an ambulance by myself so my buddy would be there for me then too. I also purchased a cordless phone for my bedside that year (a bit deal back then) so I could have a portable phone if and when the day came. I was ready!

My little buddy also kept my mom company during the day when I went to school and work. She loved him to bits and took care of him like a child. I'd often come home to find the two of them cuddled up on the lazy boy watching a soap opera. Animals are so good for people's health and really help put ill/anxious people at ease.

Of course, there were times where I'd come home and couldn't find the cat because my mom had let him outside for fresh air and then forgotten about him due to her Alzheimers. You know how it goes...the phone rang so she went inside to answer it and then forgot the cat outside. She used to do this with many things, including putting a pot or kettle to boil on the stove and then going out grocery shopping. I can't tell you how angry I used to get at my mom for this. The cat was an indoor cat and we live in a big city so it was quite dangerous to just leave him outside. Thankfully, I'd always find him in the backyard, safe and sound.

Sadly, this week, I had to let my buddy go. He was really showing his age and had begun to drink tons of water, pee a ton and track pee-soaked litter all over the house (a big concern for me with the baby). It turns out he had severe diabetes which would take thousands of dollars to get under control as he'd have to be hospitalized for a few weeks. The vet advised that even then, I had to remember he was 18 years old. So, I let him go.

It was terribly sad and I sat with him while they put him to sleep. Eighteen years of memories flooded my mind, flashing through like a slide show. Letting this cat go was a huge deal for me as it was like I was letting go of an era and moving on with my life. I know I might sound crazy (and one person actually thought I was nuts years ago because I referred to the cat as "he" and not "it"). But really, this cat had been there through it all. From insomnia to insanity, from horrible breakups to deaths, he was my friend and I will miss him. Rest in peace FB.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I posted here. I've been quite busy at home with the little one and totally understand now why people say they "go to work for a break"!

I looked back on my last post and was surprised it was so long ago. My father-in-law did pass away...the day after that post. He was a lovely man and I miss him terribly. Honestly, he was the nicest person in that family. Always made me feel welcome and at ease. He was the best father-in-law you could ever ask for.

My DH was in shock for quite a while. He didn't seem fazed or bothered by his father's passing and that was kinda freaking me out a bit.

But, a couple of weeks ago, DH finally broke down. It made me cry for him. He told me how much he missed his dad and how he wanted to call/visit him so many times and then would realize he couldn't. He also said he'd see something interesting (like a neat car or whatever) during the day and want to tell his dad about it and couldn't. Or he wanted to tell his dad about something he accomplished but couldn't. And there's nobody else in this world that cares as much about these little things as his dad did.

DH GOT IT. He finally got the emptiness that I've been feeling all these years. Nobody cares about you as much as your parent and nothing feels as good as a proud parent beaming at you. You can tell anyone else in the world what you accomplished that day and it won't be the same.

DH still has his mom but they're not very close. His dad was his best friend and now he's gone.

We sat quietly together and I cried a bit, telling my DH how I worry about our child going through this pain one day when he loses us. I also acknowledged it's part of life and that's how it goes but it's so hard to imagine inflicting this pain on someone else. My DH was sad about this idea too and worries about our little guy "being on his own" one day. He even went as far as suggesting maybe he needs a sibling to lean on in the future. WHOA. Hold that boat for now. Not ready for that but also, as some readers know, your siblings aren't always supportive or present!

My son is SO attached to me. We had a bit of a hard start since he was very fussy and colicky and I had little support but we're pretty good now. I see how much he loves me and I am loving him right back. It's overwhelming somedays how much my son needs me and how he cries when I'm out of his sight. It's amazing to be on this side of the equation... being the parent instead of the child.

Welcome to Club O

My DH's father is gravely ill. He will probably pass away this week. He became suddenly ill a few weeks ago and the doctors advised today that there's nothing else they can do. I've cried a few times today not only because I really love my father-in-law but also because of what my DH is joining...Club O.

My DH has no idea what he's in for. He seems to be in shock and hasn't broken down yet about his father's condition.

I've been part of Club O for some time now and know the gutting pain you feel when you lose a parent. I just hope I can support my DH as much as he needs when he joins.

The Babe's First Noel

Well, here I am on December 23, getting ready to celebrate the first Christmas with my own child. I have such mixed emotions from happiness to complete heartbreak. Wishing my mom was here but looking at my own child hoping he enjoys his first Christmas (even though he's only 5 months old!). I miss my mom terribly during holidays. It still stings. Funny, I smile about my son wailing when I leave the room...he misses me even when I just leave the room. If he only knew how much I understand about missing someone.

My family won't be together on Christmas Day which saddens me a bit. I had hoped this Christmas would be different. To be fair, the boycotting sibling from last year is away this year on holiday (yeah, nice timing...anyways) but at least s/he's not all out avoiding like last year. We'll be seeing the other sibling so that's good. Boycotter sibling said maybe we'll see each other when s/he returns from holiday. Whatever. It doesn't seem to bother me as much this year as last year.

Funny, as I read this as I'm typing, I thought about something. Technically, MY family WILL BE together this Christmas. I have my DH and my son. I guess I still think about my siblings as "my" family but maybe I should start to think about my own little family now first.

I hope my fellow bloggers have a good holiday season...I know it's tough when you have a parent with Alzheimers during the holidays. And special thoughts to Greg...I'll be thinking of you on this First Noel.

Till next year,
citygirl

What a ride so far...

Well, here I am, four months into being a mom myself and what a ride it's been so far. My son is very colicky/fussy so I barely have time to myself, thus my lack of postings! It's been quite a challenge. Much more so than I would have ever imagined!

I sometimes catch myself welling up with tears when I'm overwhelmed (quite often!) or having a quiet moment with my son. I miss my mom so much somedays and would give anything to have her here and well enough to help me. I especially get choked up when listening or singing lullabies...OH MY G*D that makes me miss my mom. Here I am, holding my own child, wishing that my mom was here to hold me. Have I lost it?! I desperately need comforting somedays myself!

My DH tries his best but the poor man can only do so much. My siblings have really helped. I see one sibling on a regular basis and s/he's been a great support. I also try to get out as much as I can...I've joined a mom/baby group just to have an outing. It's unbelievable how lonely and overwhelming being at home with a baby can be. I pictured it much differently (sans the colic/fussiness!). I've read/heard that the fussiness will pass and be a distant memory one day. Cannot wait. I know my son is a great little guy inside.