Lock the door when you see elephants running towards your house

I had an odd dream the other night that I’m still thinking about.

I was walking in my old neighbourhood with my mom and it felt so real. Everything was exactly as it was years ago – it’s amazing how many details were in this scene. I could see every single house as if I was really there. It was fall and leaves were rustling under our feet. The breeze was cool and I could even smell my mom’s familiar scent.

We were walking home from the grocery store and got stopped in our tracks by a person repairing their fence. The sidewalk and half of the roadway were closed off and this person had all sorts of heavy construction equipment and people working on his fence. As pedestrians, I’m not sure why we just didn’t walk on the other side of the street. Anyways, a friend from school and her mom came along and we chit-chatted a bit with them (as we used to) and noted how interruptive this person’s work on their fence was. Even my friend and her mom were crystal clear.

We finally got home and my mom sat down in the living room while I went to the kitchen. I looked out the kitchen window and there were elephants running towards the house! Terrified, I ran towards the front of the house/the living room to save my mom. When I looked back towards the kitchen, the elephants had made their way into the house and were roaming around (somehow, they had decreased in size to fit in the house). I thought to myself “why didn’t I lock the kitchen door? that would have kept them out”. Moral of the dream: Lock the door when you see elephants running towards your house!

Seriously, I dream so vividly sometimes, it’s almost like having a “visit” from my mom. I was telling my friend about this dream on the weekend and ended up tearing/choking up so much that I couldn’t go on.

The Visit

I finally went to the cemetery this past weekend. It was a bit hard to go but I was determined to visit before winter sets in.

DH came with me and was quite supportive. I gave him the job of clipping the grass edges around the nameplate (we don’t have tombstones at our cemetery) which kept him busy. I think he gets a bit unsure of what to do at the cemetery. We brought fresh flowers and put them in the built-in vase so the site looked nice (as far as gravesites go!). Neither of my siblings have ever visited the grave so I am the only one who even checks in on it. Overall, the cemetery is very well kept but there are a few graves there that are in need of some TLC. I guess those graves don’t get visitors or all their family have passed on or moved away.

I asked for a few minutes to myself so DH went & waited in the car. I had a little cry and talked to my parents a bit about how much I miss them, our dysfunctional family and the direction (or lack thereof) of my life. I know this all sounds insane, but when you lose your parents and you’re standing over their graves, you tend to “talk” to them. No matter how much anyone else loves you in your life, nobody ever replaces your parents. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife or anything but it just feels good to “talk” to them, even if you’re really just talking to a bunch of dirt and grass.

I seemed to be okay and did well with the visit. However, later that day, I got a bit moody and pensive. It was the 17th anniversary of my father’s passing so I was feeling a little emotional about that too. I thought back to that day and where I was in my life (I was 17 years old) and look at where I am now and have mixed feelings. I think I’ve done well in my life so far. I have definitely accomplished some things – I finished my education, got a pretty good job and have a great DH (which is a vast improvement over the person I was dating 17 years ago – wow!). However, I also get critical of myself. I wonder if I’ve done well enough. I wonder if my parents would be happy with how I’ve turned out? I got into quite funk and ended up having a little cry while I was falling asleep that night. Crazy, I know. I recovered the next day and I’m okay now. It was just an emotional day. But I’m glad I went to the cemetery. Some people might say “don’t go if it upsets you” but I really like to visit, even once a year. Even though it upsets me a bit, I almost feel better after visiting.

On a lighter note...now that I teased you with a hint of what kind of person I was dating when I was 17, I have to share that story! I was dating this guy (we’ll call him “J”) for a week before my father died. J was a nice enough guy but I’m pretty sure my father dying was a bit much for him to handle. We were 17 years old and my father’s death was quite sudden and unexpected. When I called J to tell him about what happened, he really didn’t have much to say; I don’t think he knew what to say! Later that weekend, I called him to let him know of the visitation/funeral arrangements and he said something like “I can’t make it because I have school”. I wasn’t really bothered by this because I really had bigger issues on my mind.

We dated for a couple of months afterwards (only seeing each other now & then) and I finally decided it really wasn’t for me. On Christmas morning, I called J up from work. I offered to work that day – I worked part-time retail - and really, I didn’t mind. It got me out of the house on a difficult day. We wished each other a Merry Christmas. There was a slight pause and then I said something about wanting to break up and he agreed somehow. I wish I could remember the wording – it’s hilarious now that I think about it! Can you picture it? I must sound like a diabolical person – working on Christmas Day and calling up my boyfriend to break up over the phone within a matter 30 seconds in a curt and businesslike manner. Haha! Oh, I crack myself up somedays.

It still hurts somedays

I had a bit of a bawl last night. I was in my old neighbourhood doing errands and ended up having a cry on the way home (great to do while you’re driving!). I also had a cry later at home.

I don’t go to my old neighbourhood very often because it’s out of the way from my home & work and I do get a bit emotional when I’m there. It’s like there are reminders of my mom everywhere: my family home, my old school, the places I took countless lessons (piano, ballet, skating… you name it, I took it), the park that my mom took me to every.single.day. every summer and my mom’s nursing home. Even the storekeepers knew my mom so when I run my errands, the stores even tug at my heart.

Somedays, I look at these places and smile, remembering how devoted my mom was to me. She didn’t drive a car so we walked or took transit to everything. My mom didn’t work so her whole life was taking care of me. My siblings are much older than me so I had my mom to myself ~ it was almost like being an only child. It’s no wonder I sometimes think that out of the three kids, I have taken her passing the hardest.

Other times, like last night, I get emotional looking at these places. I almost pulled into her nursing home’s parking lot last night just to sit there and bawl and “feel close to her”. Yes, I know she’s not there and this sounds insane but it’s the last place she was alive. However, I drove on. I think my upcoming birthday is a bit of a factor in emotions this week…I have a thing about birthdays as my readers know.

At home, my DH could see I wasn’t 100% and asked me what was going on. I didn’t want to get into it so I brushed it off but he kept asking. I finally told him what had happened and he really didn’t know what to say (which is probably why I didn’t tell him in the first place – he’s not very good at this stuff). DH is not the most sensitive person and at times, he can even be a little abrupt.

I tried really hard to explain my feelings to DH. DH was a bit insensitive at points like when I said I sometimes "feel alone" in the world because of my parents being gone and my siblings being distant. He said something rude like that I was just “being dramatic”. I said I wasn't "being dramatic" or looking for attention and that I truly feel that way somedays.

I don’t think DH gets it. He has his parents who call almost everyday. He has a sibling who is somewhat close (i.e. she’s at all holiday dinners at his parents). Since my mom died, my siblings have become more estranged than they were before for various reasons that could warrant their own blog. I speak to them occasionally and see them rarely but things are definitely AFU. I definitely feel like I no longer have family. One of my siblings tried to say that my DH is my family now. Hmmm… not sure I’m totally buying that. When I think of family, DH is not the only person.

Overall, I think I’ve been doing pretty well. I’m definitely doing better than I was last year and day-to-day, I’m okay. There are just somedays where I fall down and last night was one of them. My DH looked at me sometimes last night like I insane. I tried to explain that it hasn’t been 10 years…it’s only been over a year and yes, it still hurts somedays.

I had a dream...

I had a really strange dream the other night. In my dream, I was sitting with my husband (who wasn’t really my husband – it was some other random person but in my thoughts, I was thinking it was my husband!). Anyways, it was evening time and we were chatting.

I was asking how his day at work was and he was giving vague answers. In my mind, I was panicking because I couldn’t remember what he did for a living. I was desperately trying to figure out what he did for a living before he caught on that I didn’t remember. It was freaky! My mind was racing and frantically trying to retrieve the information but it kept coming up blank. I kept asking him questions in hopes of getting a clue and to cover up that I didn’t know. I asked if anything different happened at work today (nope); if everyone was at work today (yep…was hoping for a name of a co-worker to help me); if he ate lunch today (hoping he’d mention where he ate lunch for a possible location clue).

I also looked at how he was dressed, if he had tools or a briefcase with him, the state of his hands (I thought he might be a mechanic at one point) and I tried to remember what hours he seemed to work. I woke up before I figured out what he did.

It was the weirdest dream I’ve had in a quite a while! I felt a bit startled by it. That must be how an Alzheimers patient must feel like when they’re in the early stages and trying to cover up their memory losses. My mom used to be quite clever about getting around things when she was confused…and that’s when I actually knew something was wrong with her. I wonder how long she had been operating like that before I caught on. I’m also thinking about the person not really being my husband in the dream… how it must be so confusing and scary to be sitting with someone when you aren’t quite sure how you’re related. My mom used to think I was her sister and my brother was her husband or her own brother (who was deceased for years). I was also forever a student in my mom’s mind ~ she was always asking how school was. Her Alzheimers became apparent when I was 17 so maybe that was the age range that she had me set at.

It was a scary little glimpse I had in this dream. As scary, frustrating and heartbreaking as it is for caregivers, it must be absolutely terrifying for the patients in the early stages when they’re still aware.

Our visiting hours are:

I’ve been putting off visiting the cemetery for a few months now.

My last visit was in September 2008. During the winter, I don’t find much point in going because it’s a bit far to travel and everything is covered in snow. The cemetery has flat headplates in the ground instead of headstones standing up so I don’t even know if I could find my parents in the winter!

I thought about going around Mother’s Day but pushed it off because the place becomes a zoo on “holidays” like that. Same with Father’s Day. I thought about going on the first anniversary of my mom’s passing but ended up getting so worked up about it that I didn’t go. And now I’ve been procrastinating for weeks about going. I’m not exactly sure why.

I want to go and visit but something is holding me back. I’ve been doing better these last few months and perhaps I’m just avoiding visiting? On a kind of related topic, I have to make a horrible confession. Sometimes, I used to make excuses to not visit my mom when she was in the nursing home. I think it was more than being a lazy & selfish person. I think it was my subconscious trying to save me from seeing my mom. I’d get all worked up about going to see her somedays, especially if our last visit wasn’t so positive. I wouldn’t stay away for long...maybe a week at most...but I’d feel so horribly guilty about it.

Another factor in this issue is that I’d like my DH to come to the cemetery with me. I often feel frustrated or “alone” that he doesn’t quite “get” what I’ve gone through and I like to try to expose him to this part of my life now and then. (He has NO IDEA that I blog…which is probably for the best because I am free to say whatever I feel on here and not worry about what he thinks!) My DH would rarely visit my mom at the nursing home with me. He would come with me if it was a holiday or an occasion but never for my regular visits. Not that I wanted him to come with me all the time, but a little support now and then would have been welcomed. Then again, my best friend never visited my mom with me during the whole six years that she was in care. I often invited her and she often said she’d love to come but the actual visits never happened. I know it’s hard to visit people in nursing homes. A bit of advice for people out there – try to go & support your friends or spouses when they have a loved one in care. You wouldn’t believe how much it would mean to them.

Sometimes, I felt sad or drained after visiting my mom and I’d come home to my DH who would ask about dinner or look for some “action”. Really!? Yes...but I don’t think he meant to come across as insensitive. I would have loved to come home to some dinner waiting for me (even takeout!) and/or have a little chat about how my visit was. I don’t think he meant to upset or hurt me by being the way he was; he’s just a guy’s guy, through & through.

So back to the original topic of this post: visiting the cemetery. I’m going to get there within the next few weeks. I bet my parents are dying to see me.

Still Alice

I just finished reading the book Still Alice and I’m wondering if any of my fellow bloggers have read it? It was a good book but I found it very interesting (and confusing?) that the main character KNOWS that she has early-onset Alzheimers.

With my mom, she never realized that she had Alzheimers. She would have days where she would realize that things weren’t quite right or that she wasn’t thinking properly but she would never be able to tell someone (never mind REMEMBER) that she had Alzheimers.

I found it frustrating when people would ask me “how my mom felt about having Alzheimers”. I also found it really hard to explain why I couldn’t just sit down and chat with my mom about her condition and how she’d understand and everything would be better. I’d tell people that it does not work that way and they would look at me like I just wasn’t trying. My mom couldn’t remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago, never mind remember day-to-day that she had Alzheimers.

I read a blog once (can’t remember the blog’s name) where the person was “going to tell her mom tomorrow that she has Alzheimers and wish her luck” because she (the blogger) was moving away and leaving her mom on her own. WTF?! I was so floored by this entry that I wondered if the blogger wasn’t fully coherent either.

Over 16 years, of all the Alzheimers patients and caregivers that I’ve ever met or corresponded with, I’ve never heard of a patient who is fully cognizant of their condition and goes around telling people about it like they’re talking about the common cold. Can you imagine?!

“Gee, you missed your appointment this morning”
“Yep, must be that darn Alzheimers flaring up again”

This is the case for most of the story in Still Alice and I found it quite irritating to read. It gives people the wrong idea about Alzheimers. I won’t ruin the book for those who have not read it but by the end of the book, I thought to myself that it was a mild portrait of Alzheimers.

Is there something different about early-onset Alzheimers? Do they have a period of time where they comprehend and REMEMBER what they are facing? There was one early-onset Alzheimers patient at my mom’s first care facility and she was not aware of her condition. When I first met her, I thought she worked there because she was relatively young, still well dressed/accessorized and groomed very well but once you watched her for a few minutes, it became apparent that she was a resident.

What about my fellow bloggers? Did your parent ever know or realize they had Alzheimers? And when I say know/realize, did they remember it from day-to-day and fully understand what was going on (not just for a few minutes when you talked about it).

One Year

It’s been a year today since my mom passed away. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed since that dreadful day. It seems like it was just yesterday sometimes as I can still hear every word of “the” call fresh in my mind. It still hurts like h*ll and I still tear up at just the thought of my mom.

I’ve been through many emotions this year, ranging from deep sadness to anger to guilt. I’ve been selfish and extremely needy at times. I’ve felt completely lost and withdrawn at other points.

Somedays I’m okay and that is becoming more of the norm. On other days, random memories, images, sounds, smells, tastes or whatever suddenly sneak up on me and I’m bawling my eyes out before I know it.

Is the anniversary any different or harder than any of the other 364 days? Yes, it is in a way because the date sticks in your mind and it’s a milestone. You’ve made it through an entire year which is quite an accomplishment. You’ve made it through all the meaningful dates of the whole year without your mom. All of the “firsts” are done. First Christmas, first Mother’s Day, first birthday (which I’ve always considered my “anniversary” of sorts with my mom, it’s the first day we met!)…I know when I lost my dad, the first year was definitely the hardest.

On the other hand, the anniversary isn’t as hard as other days. I know I’ve had much worse days than today. Just because today marks “ONE YEAR” on the calendar, doesn’t mean it’s the worst. I can think of a handful of other days in this past year that were way worse. There were days where I would cry so hard that my throat would be hoarse from wailing, I’d throw up and I’d have a full-on asthma attack. Those days were dark and horrible but I did feel a weight off my shoulders after letting all of that raw emotion flood out of me.

Two things have really helped me through this year. My close friends have been so caring, supportive and patient over many years, not just this year. I am thankful that I have them to lean on and to pick me up when I fall down. I wish I could say the same for my siblings. Blogging has also really helped me. I’ve found it extremely therapeutic to write about my experiences and hear from others going through similar situations. I am doing better overall but this situation was a long time in the making so the effects will be felt for some time… and some effects will be life-long.