Thursday, July 31, 2008

Excuse me, I seem to be lost...in my own life.

I often sit and wonder if I'm on the right track. I look back at how I've gotten to where I am and wonder if I took the right roads and if I'm in the right place. There's no magical way in life to know if you're in the right place...so how do you know? How do you know if you're making the right career, love, family, friends and health choices? One might answer "if you're happy". Well, I'm happy enough. It's hard to measure happiness.

I've been fascinated with the idea of "choices" for many years now. The "what ifs" in plain terms. What if I had not dated that guy for so many years? What if I stayed with that other guy? What if I had not applied to my current job (going on 10 years this summer...). Even small things. What if I left 10 minutes early/later for work today?

I love my DH immensely. I hope we have a long, happy life together. But what lies ahead for us? Will we continue to live in the city (which my DH says he can't stand but now that he's been here for so long, I'm sure the country would be a rude awakening!). Will we have children? This is a topic which totally boggles my mind. I don't really feel all that maternal. I don't go ga-ga for babies or kids. I actually find them a bit overwhelming! They're like little aliens to me.

Somedays, I think maybe we should have children (and soon...I'm not that young anymore!) but the reasons are pretty weird. I think that maybe we'll regret not having children one day. I worry that we'll be old and need someone to take care of us one day (I know that sounds selfish but when I see what my mom went through, I thank G*d everyday that we (her kids) were around to see her through it). My DH's opinion on the matter? He says he doesn't care either way and it's up to me. Great.

So now let's say hypothetically, we have kids. I can't imagine my life with kids. I can barely function the way I am. I get up, go to work everyday from 9-5, get home shortly before 6 (sometimes run errands), make dinner, clean up and go to bed. Where do kids fit in here? Who's taking care of them from 8am to 6pm? How do I get ready for work (i.e. shower, dress) with kids? My DH works crazy shift work so he's basically a write-off. I have no family that would help me. His family lives a few hours away. I'd be on my own. So that makes me run for cover. I am not capable of this! This is nuts! Back to being DINKs (Double Income No Kids). Phew. What the H*** was I thinking?

Onto the other fronts. Career? Currently, dead-end. I hope opportunities will come up at my current workplace and I have good reason to believe they will. That's all I can say about that for now. Friends? I think I have a pretty good group of friends. Family? Dysfunctional. Health? I think I'm doing alright. I could always be doing better. At least I joined a gym (and actually go!) this year.

Could I be doing better? Have I made the right choices? I guess there's really no way to answer this except for "I hope so".

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened” -- Winston Churchill

Friday, July 25, 2008

Baskets: Good or Evil?


Today, I'm going to write a fun post and debate if baskets are good or evil.

Baskets are Good:
-I love baskets; I have them all over my house
-I love receiving gifts in baskets
-Whenever I'm shopping, I am drawn to baskets by my desire to buy more
-Baskets help you organize (for example, I have a bench in the kitchen with baskets under it to keep items like bottles of pop)

Baskets are Evil:
-While baskets help you organize, they also give you a handy place to stash all sorts of stuff when you are cleaning up. That's great but then the stuff ends up staying in the basket forever and not being sorted out properly. Half of it is garbage and should be chucked.
-The point above leads to another complication. While the baskets help you "temporarily organize" things, this is really a lazy way of getting rid of clutter instead of putting things back where they belong. The point? There are lots of things that you can't find because they're in one of the million baskets around the house instead of in their proper spot (my DH is famous for doing this with his tools)
-I'm often lazy or preoccupied and drag baskets towards me when going to look in them. I've scratched up some surfaces doing this (yes, I now I should put little felt thingys on the bottom of the baskets but that just one of those things that I think about and don't follow through on)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Eeee

This is a sound that coworkers of mine often tack onto the end of names and it drives me INSANE!! I work with professionals who suddenly sound like kindergardeners when calling out names to each other. Let me demonstrate how adult names can be transformed into kiddie names:

Ann = Annieeee
Bill = Billieeee
Fred = Fredieeee
Mike = Mikeeeee
Paul = Paulieeee
Rick = Rickeeee

WTH?! Who started this trend? It echos the other name-nightmare that I despise. It doesn't sound cute or fun to me. It's ANNOYING!! STOP IT!!

Whoo.... gotta chill. In other news... I posted a response to a blog that I've been reading lately. I thought it was a pretty good piece of writing so I thought I'd share.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Hello World!

I am fascinated with the Feedjit on my blog. I have visitors from all over North America and now some from overseas too! I wonder how these visitors find my blog and what they read/what they think of it.

Please leave me a message if you'd like to. I'd love to hear how you landed here and what you think!

~citygirl

Monday, July 7, 2008

Little Miss Grumpy



The children's book describes it all...well, except for the "Mr." part.

Lately, I have found myself grumpier and more impatient than usual. And I can actually feel myself being this way. My DH annoys me at the drop of a hat. And I feel bad afterwards but at the same time, he sometimes has it coming and maybe I was just way too patient before.

Maybe I need a holiday. I really haven't stopped this year and to be honnest, I don't feel like I've stopped in 16 years. It's been a long haul with my mom and I think it really wiped me out and took years off my own life.

For the first 10 years of my mom's illness, I took care of her at home. My siblings had taken off and had their own lives and I was left behind. Not that I ever held that against my mom as I wanted to see her at home for as long as possible. But I didn't sleep well for those 10 years. I felt like I was on the 24 hour emergency desk, especially at night (my father passed away overnight and I found him one morning...after hearing him cough at 5am and dismissing it as a nagging cough). If my mom coughed, moved or called out in her sleep, I was out of bed, cordless phone in hand, ready for action. It was quite exhausting. Try adding highschool then university full time, have a part time job and a little bit of a social life and that's what my life was like. And I somehow managed to keep it all together and get pretty good grades.

After we moved my mom into the nursing home, I slept a bit better. I knew there was a 24 hour staff there, doing patrols and there was always a big glowing green help button beside my mom's bed. My mom was a wanderer (or exit-seeker as most Alzheimers patients are) and I knew the nursing home was locked down so she couldn't get out (you need a swipe card to get out).

But I was never completely relaxed. I was always waiting for "the call". Even when I went on vacation, I would be worrying in the back of my mind. I'd get back to the hotel room and immediately go look at the phone to see if there was a message. I know it wasn't healthy and I know it was a bit obsessed but there was really nothing I could do about it - when it's your mom, it's YOUR MOM. You can't turn it off.

This year, I didn't go on vacation. I love the beach and the ocean and find I almost "need" a vacation to revitalize in the winter but I knew something was up this year. I told my DH, my friends and my siblings why I wasn't going away. My DH & siblings thought I was bit nutty for this but I said "I don't want to be stuck somewhere, trying to get home if anything happens". Getting home from foreign places isn't always easy and I also didn't want to travel under those conditions ~ I think I'd end up having an all-out anxiety attack. My friends understood for some reason. I usually go away in February so I was a few months off with my intuition but I think that's pretty close timing considering we were working with 16 years and there were some pretty bad times over the years.

Over the years, my siblings and I got a few calls from the home. They were non-emergency calls re: injury or need for hospitalization but you still just about faint when you see the call display. The big call finally came this year and it was just as bad as I imagined it would be. I went numb and cold all over and into a state of shock. Auto-pilot took over and I got dressed and went to meet my siblings at the home.

I guess I'm linking my grumpiness to my tiredness and exhaustion after a 16 year marathon. Although I would never trade my time with my mom for anything...

Thursday, July 3, 2008

A General Update

So, here I am. I've not been blogging much lately. I guess I don't want to write depressing entries and when I start typing lately, depressing things want to flow out of my fingers!

It's been a month since my mom passed away and I'm doing ok. My DH doesn't get the whole "losing a parent" thing at all so he's been trying as best as he can to support me. And I think I've been pretty good. I had a good cry the day after the funeral and then I had another good cry this past weekend. Other than that, I've been going to work and functioning quite well... I think. My DH suggested that I might need to seek counselling during my bawl this weekend which I thought was a little mean of him. I don't think he meant it in a mean way, but geez, it's only been a month and overall, I've been doing pretty well.

It's a bit shocking to be alone in the world. Not that my mom has been really "with me" for many years since she was very ill but now it's for sure that I'm alone. My siblings continue their insanity towards each other so this loss hasn't changed their ways. I have a lovely DH who tries his best but somedays, I just feel alone. Thank G*D I have a full time job to keep me occupied. I think I would be a wreck if I wasn't busy.

In other news... I don't think I've updated the blog regarding that job I applied for. Well, I didn't get it. I was interviewed but did not get the job. It went to an external applicant. I can't say I am overly surprised as that department is a bit weird and I'm not 100% sure that I'd fit in there. I also had my suspicions that the new head of the department would be bringing people into the company from his former workplace(s) so I was almost expecting an external person to get the job. I'm not overly upset (considering the other events in my life lately, this is not a big deal) as I really don't mind my current position. For future growth, I'm not sure my current position really has the room. But for now, it's fine and at least I tried for the posting and the weirdo department knows I want to expand my career there.

What else is going on... I have a person in my life who lies a lot. It's a bizarre habit that I don't really understand. This person is in my family so it's not like I'd cut him/her off (which I might do if it were a casual friend). The things this person lies about are so weird and somedays, I actually catch the lie and ask them about it and they just lie more to cover up. It must be exhausting trying to keep the stories straight! I don't bust the person outright because that would be quite aggressive and confrontational so I just ask for clarification which starts showing that I'm seeing holes in their stories. Then I usually end the conversation once the person starts getting flustered or agitated.

So what do they lie about? Everything. Anything and everything. I'm never sure what the truth is. Part of this lying may be a result of trying to manipulate people and get people to feel sorry for him/her. Because the lying often ties into how hard life is for this person (it's really not, believe me).

Well, that's all for now. Hope you're enjoying my ramblings... I see from the "Widget" thing that I am picking up readers from all over the place - cool!!!