Monday, December 22, 2008

The First Noel

I’ve been a bit quiet on my blog lately as I’ve been really busy at work and also moved workstations at work (and have NO privacy whatsoever now!). I’ve also been quiet because I’ve been feeling a bit down about Christmas and New Year’s.

I’m not into Christmas this year. I feel blah and very indifferent about the whole thing. I don’t mean to be a downer but the first Christmas after a parent passes is quite depressing. I remember the first Christmas after my dad died – it was horrible.

I’ve been avoiding and/or laying really low at work functions just to avoid the annoying chit-chat that goes along with them (i.e. “so, what are your plans for Christmas?”). I’d like to answer “I’d like to go to bed on December 24 and wake up on December 26”. But that won’t happen so I’ll just soldier on.

I’ve been feeling sad and my eyes have been welling with up tears for a couple weeks now so I finally had a little cry on the weekend. My siblings are still as dysfunctional as ever and my DH’s family is still gluttonous and ignorant as ever – remember last year? I'd be surprised if any of his family actually takes a moment to ask me how I'm doing. I think if my siblings were normal and we had some semblance of a family left, that perhaps I wouldn’t feel so alone and sad somedays.

As for New Year’s, I think DH & I are just going to spend it at home. It’s weird, I feel very odd about the upcoming year. It’s almost a mix of relief that 2008 is over since it’s the year my mom passed away so it’s good for the year to physically change on the calendar but also...hmm...not sure what my other emotion is. It’s tough to describe. It’s almost a fear of “letting go” of 2008? A fear of moving on? I had a similar emotion when the seasons changed in the fall. It’s the passing of a milestone and realizing how fast time moves somedays.

I'm welling up again just writing this so I'm going to finish this post off. Thank you for reading in 2008 and I'll be back after the New Year ~ citygirl.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Grocery Store Frozen Lasagna

Since when is it cool to serve grocery store frozen lasagna to guests when they drive a freeking long way to your house (2.5 hours one way) for dinner?

This has happened to me twice in the past couple of months (2 different hosts) and I just don't get it. Sure, it's nice to spend time with the hosts instead of them slaving away in the kitchen making a gourmet dinner but at least buy a decent lasagna. These crappy grocery store things are just pushing the tacky envelope a bit.

I usually reserve these type of lasagnas for nights that I work late and I'm too lazy to make dinner at home (and it's just for me & DH). Or a group of friends and I used to make them for a weeknight dinner together so we could catch up and have yummy drinks instead of cooking which was fun.

BUT. When people drive a long way to come to your house at your request, please resist thinking this is acceptable!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Let it go

So remember this? Yep. I consider myself a slightly intelligent person yet I ended up in a similar situation this weekend. Why can't I learn?!

Long, silly story so I'll try to give you the reader's digest version. On Saturday, DH and I had to drive 2.5 hours (each way) to his relatives house to visit. On the way there, we ran into a few frustrating situations. You know how somedays just don't start smoothly and the rest of the day seems to keep going that way?

Later in the evening, I teased DH about our earlier frustrations in front of his relatives (because I thought enough time had passed that we could laugh them off). Nope. It just set him off all over again. WOW. I wish I could go back and tell myself to ix-nay the teasing and just sit quietly. DH & I ended up having a little spat right there in front of his family. Nice. I wished I could have just disappeared into thin air.

When I look at this situation overall and trace back to what started the day off wrong, it seems ridiculous that by the evening, DH & I were squabbling about it. I think we were both tired, not thrilled with driving 5 hours in one day for a visit (don't even suggest staying over - we'd prefer to drive home) and yes, I ultimately bugged DH enough that he snapped at me (I admit, I was being a bit mean and annoying). I have got to learn when to LET THINGS GO.

While I'm blogging about this, I want to take this one step further. On Sunday, I felt terribly guilty and sad about how our day on Saturday went. To the point of wanting my mother's comforting pat on my shoulder and the ability to sit and cry to her. GOD, I MISS HER on days like this.

As I've written about before, since my mother passed, I sometimes feel that I'm less patient, more irritable, grumpy, negative and more argumentative about stupid things. It's been six months tomorrow since my mom passed and overall, I think I'm doing better but I still catch myself somedays and think "why am I acting this way? I can feel myself being a bit of a jerk". It's almost like I can't help it but at the same time, I am aware of my behaviour.

The people who suffer are my friends, my family and most of all, my DH. Sure, he's not perfect (nobody is) but I know he takes the brunt of me and I feel so bad about that. I don't like how I act somedays and what results from it. I want to be pleasant to be around and fun again (side note to one reader: don't worry, I'm not going to go all "The Secret" on you). But really, I'm going to try to get myself out of this rut and when a scene starts going south, I'm going to remember to take a breath before proceeding.