Friday, July 17, 2009

Our visiting hours are:

I’ve been putting off visiting the cemetery for a few months now.

My last visit was in September 2008. During the winter, I don’t find much point in going because it’s a bit far to travel and everything is covered in snow. The cemetery has flat headplates in the ground instead of headstones standing up so I don’t even know if I could find my parents in the winter!

I thought about going around Mother’s Day but pushed it off because the place becomes a zoo on “holidays” like that. Same with Father’s Day. I thought about going on the first anniversary of my mom’s passing but ended up getting so worked up about it that I didn’t go. And now I’ve been procrastinating for weeks about going. I’m not exactly sure why.

I want to go and visit but something is holding me back. I’ve been doing better these last few months and perhaps I’m just avoiding visiting? On a kind of related topic, I have to make a horrible confession. Sometimes, I used to make excuses to not visit my mom when she was in the nursing home. I think it was more than being a lazy & selfish person. I think it was my subconscious trying to save me from seeing my mom. I’d get all worked up about going to see her somedays, especially if our last visit wasn’t so positive. I wouldn’t stay away for long...maybe a week at most...but I’d feel so horribly guilty about it.

Another factor in this issue is that I’d like my DH to come to the cemetery with me. I often feel frustrated or “alone” that he doesn’t quite “get” what I’ve gone through and I like to try to expose him to this part of my life now and then. (He has NO IDEA that I blog…which is probably for the best because I am free to say whatever I feel on here and not worry about what he thinks!) My DH would rarely visit my mom at the nursing home with me. He would come with me if it was a holiday or an occasion but never for my regular visits. Not that I wanted him to come with me all the time, but a little support now and then would have been welcomed. Then again, my best friend never visited my mom with me during the whole six years that she was in care. I often invited her and she often said she’d love to come but the actual visits never happened. I know it’s hard to visit people in nursing homes. A bit of advice for people out there – try to go & support your friends or spouses when they have a loved one in care. You wouldn’t believe how much it would mean to them.

Sometimes, I felt sad or drained after visiting my mom and I’d come home to my DH who would ask about dinner or look for some “action”. Really!? Yes...but I don’t think he meant to come across as insensitive. I would have loved to come home to some dinner waiting for me (even takeout!) and/or have a little chat about how my visit was. I don’t think he meant to upset or hurt me by being the way he was; he’s just a guy’s guy, through & through.

So back to the original topic of this post: visiting the cemetery. I’m going to get there within the next few weeks. I bet my parents are dying to see me.