Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Babe's First Noel

Well, here I am on December 23, getting ready to celebrate the first Christmas with my own child. I have such mixed emotions from happiness to complete heartbreak. Wishing my mom was here but looking at my own child hoping he enjoys his first Christmas (even though he's only 5 months old!). I miss my mom terribly during holidays. It still stings. Funny, I smile about my son wailing when I leave the room...he misses me even when I just leave the room. If he only knew how much I understand about missing someone.

My family won't be together on Christmas Day which saddens me a bit. I had hoped this Christmas would be different. To be fair, the boycotting sibling from last year is away this year on holiday (yeah, nice timing...anyways) but at least s/he's not all out avoiding like last year. We'll be seeing the other sibling so that's good. Boycotter sibling said maybe we'll see each other when s/he returns from holiday. Whatever. It doesn't seem to bother me as much this year as last year.

Funny, as I read this as I'm typing, I thought about something. Technically, MY family WILL BE together this Christmas. I have my DH and my son. I guess I still think about my siblings as "my" family but maybe I should start to think about my own little family now first.

I hope my fellow bloggers have a good holiday season...I know it's tough when you have a parent with Alzheimers during the holidays. And special thoughts to Greg...I'll be thinking of you on this First Noel.

Till next year,

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What a ride so far...

Well, here I am, four months into being a mom myself and what a ride it's been so far. My son is very colicky/fussy so I barely have time to myself, thus my lack of postings! It's been quite a challenge. Much more so than I would have ever imagined!

I sometimes catch myself welling up with tears when I'm overwhelmed (quite often!) or having a quiet moment with my son. I miss my mom so much somedays and would give anything to have her here and well enough to help me. I especially get choked up when listening or singing lullabies...OH MY G*D that makes me miss my mom. Here I am, holding my own child, wishing that my mom was here to hold me. Have I lost it?! I desperately need comforting somedays myself!

My DH tries his best but the poor man can only do so much. My siblings have really helped. I see one sibling on a regular basis and s/he's been a great support. I also try to get out as much as I can...I've joined a mom/baby group just to have an outing. It's unbelievable how lonely and overwhelming being at home with a baby can be. I pictured it much differently (sans the colic/fussiness!). I've read/heard that the fussiness will pass and be a distant memory one day. Cannot wait. I know my son is a great little guy inside.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A New Life

My son has arrived. A new life in the world. I'm overwhelmed, confused (hey, I'm a first time mom - nothing makes any sense to me!) and grateful all at the same time. He's healthy and happy and really, that's all that matters. I laugh and cry within seconds. It's crazy.

I look at him and cannot believe he's here. I am someone's mother (!!!). One day, he'll love me like I loved my mother. He'll miss me when I'm away. He'll cry for me. It's overwhelming that I've put another person in this position. A person that I've made.

I put off having children for years because I was so scared to put someone in the position I found myself in for so many years. But now, he's here. I hope I can be a good mom. I hope he loves me to bits. Even though I took care of my mom for 16 years, this feels like a whole new game.

I wish my mom was here to meet him and help me. My DH has been amazing. So amazing that I cry. I have met a completely different side of him that I never knew existed. My siblings have been amazing too ~ this baby has brought them closer to me. And my friends, I couldn't live without.

I'll keep you updated my readers...citymom

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Booties, Bibs and Tears

This past weekend, I attended my baby shower. It was really nice. Very well attended by friends and extended family and I received a lot of really great things. It was really nice to see such a good turnout.

It was hosted by 4 people – Sibling 1, my best friend and Sibling 2’s wife & daughter. One person who didn’t show at all was Sibling 2 himself (even though I asked him to come by and he lives 10 minutes away from the host’s house…and the host is a neutral person so I pretty well took every issue out of the equation for this sibling). However, I must give credit to this sibling’s spouse and child who also co-hosted despite whatever the problem is with Sibling 2 (this is the Christmas and Easter boycotter).

Besides this sibling, I was also thinking of my mom (are you surprised?). It was Mother’s Day here earlier this month and that was still rolling around in my head and then I looked around at my baby shower (which is just a bizarre thing for me to be saying as I never thought I’d see the day!) and I was sadly thinking how I wish my mom was there. Despite the 30 other people in attendance who love me, I was thinking of my mom.

My aunt was there (my mom’s only surviving sibling) and that meant the world to me. She looks and sounds like my mom so I was greedily soaking up everything about her. I felt like a parasite, using her to feel close to my mom. All the while, I was fighting off tears. It was quite a scene in my mind’s eye. I pried myself off my aunt and socialized with all the other guests and got a hold of myself and overall had a very nice time. I focused on being happy and enjoying all the love that my friends and extended family brought to the event.

I had some time alone last night as my DH was working and I was home alone. Guess what I did. Yep, had a good cry. The no-show sibling called to say hi and ask how the shower was (why does s/he care?!). I don’t know how s/he can’t see how much they break my heart with their behaviour. I’ve actually told him/her a few times how much our situation hurts and upsets me and get no real answer. It’s bad enough to boycott birthdays and holidays but the baby shower?! I know I’ve said I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings bother me but every now & then, I can’t help that it does. I wondered to myself last night if this sibling will even meet my baby or just avoid that too. This sibling hasn’t even seen me pregnant, which I mentioned and received no real response unless you count some awkward laugh. It absolutely kills me how far this sibling has gone. I must give some credit to the sibling that co-hosted the shower. At least there was effort and love put forth, even if it was a bit dysfunctional.

Of course, I thought about my mom too. I wished that she could be here to support me and meet her grandchild. It’s been two years this June since my mom passed away and sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday while other days, it feels like it was a long time ago. Funny how time is so hard to gauge. I was actually at my mom’s funeral home a few weeks ago for a co-worker’s mother (who also passed away after suffering from Alzheimers). The visitation was held in the same room as my mom’s was. It was hard to take but I wanted to at least visit my co-worker briefly as I remember how important it was to see people at the visitation. Then I saw a funeral procession the other day and just about cried at the sight of it. I could feel the sickness in my stomach that I felt when I was in my mom’s procession.

I guess last night all these things (and other little silly things going on) just caught up with me last night and had to come out. I felt a bit sorry for myself as somedays, I feel like I’ve landed on a foreign planet with no family or I somehow lost my family in one swipe (which is kind of true – my siblings went totally dysfunctional right after our mom was like having my whole family wiped out). I also feel slightly guilty and scared (not sure if those are the right/exact descriptions) of looking forward to having my own little family. I hope and pray that I’ll be a good mom.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rough Day

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Now and then, I just have a good cry (as my readers know!) and yesterday was one of those days.

I know I say I’m looking forward to having my own family (Citymom-to-be “CM2B” as one of my readers calls me!) and that I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings get to me but that only goes so far. Easter is coming up this weekend which means another opportunity for their dysfunction to shine. Nobody has contacted each other about it and I was going to make contact last night and then didn’t.

I got into such a funk yesterday (and it’s carrying over into today) that I ended up being depressed, having a good cry and then getting into a grumpy mood. Easter was on my mind during the day at work. I looked out the window late afternoon and saw a man collapsed on the middle of a very busy road with paramedics frantically doing chest compressions on him. I watched the scene intensely and thought of my parents and how lucky we/they were that their medical emergencies were generally at home or in the nursing home. How horrible for that man to be lying on a busy road on the brink of death. After all is said and done and all of life’s crap, this could be the end for this man. What a way to go.

I went home and felt down and out. My DH works shift-work so I’m sometimes on my own a lot which gives me time to think (too much!). I thought about Easter some more and how much I miss my mom and therefore opened a tidal wave of tears. I also thought about how my expected child will never meet my parents and possibly, never have much of a relationship with my siblings either. I vowed I would try to be the best mom possible to my stomach. The baby was quite active last night which made me smile in the middle of this emotionally stormy night. I could feel him kicking and punching and for the first time, I actually saw my stomach MOVE. It was pretty surreal to watch my stomach moving on its own!

I thought a lot about this baby last night too. I remember a few years ago, I was at my doctor’s office for an annual checkup and she casually asked if I was thinking of having children. I remember I was pretty unsure and teared up a bit. The doctor comforted me by saying she knew I was going through a lot of with my mom and that might be the main reason I was so emotional and hesitant to have children: I didn’t want to have a child and put them through what I’ve been through with my parents. I didn’t want to make another person suffer the pain that I’ve experienced. It was true. But flash-forward to today. Everyone will lose their parents at some point in their lives (unless they die before their parents). It’s part of life. I just got a really long and bad experience in my case.

So after my bawling, I just got into a funk. I missed my DH who had decided to go out after work for a bit which made me insanely upset. I was at home, having a crappy night and wanted him to come home and comfort me. But I forget DH doesn’t get it 100%. He does not comprehend me all the time. It’s probably just as well that he didn’t come home right away. I was in such a mood, G*d knows what I would have unleashed on him.

I know I should not sit at home all the time when DH is working. It just leads to time on my hands. But to tell you the truth, I need to have these moments sometimes. You can’t always be on the run from your feelings.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A New Chapter

It’s been a while since I posted. There hasn’t been much to post about (you'll laugh at that statement by the end of this post) and I’m in a terrible set-up at work where I have zero privacy (hey, what I do on my lunch or breaks is my business!).

However, I thought today I’d post. In terms of my family, it’s the same-old sh*t, different day. My siblings continue to be from another planet. Christmas was terrible – one sibling avoided the whole scene by saying his/her family was trying to get away for a mini-vacation (which was a complete lie and never happened). There’s a whole whack of other stuff going on with this sibling which I don’t want to get into online but it’s another big reason he/she’s become so distant. The other sibling came over to my place as did my DH’s parents. It was a nice enough time but I was quite sad not to see the first sibling and my niece/nephew. I rarely see those kids now. Maybe twice a year which really depresses me.

I don’t think my siblings will ever radically change and I have to accept that. We had our mom in common but other than that, they’re pretty messed up people. It’s a hard thing for me to accept, being the “baby” of the siblings. I’ve cried many times about the situation. I miss having family. Nothing against my poor DH, but he’s not my blood. I love him to pieces but he’s still not my flesh and blood. For some reason, the void of family leaves a big empty spot in me.

I miss having family to love. My mom’s passing really took a toll on me and now, it’s quite apparent that my siblings and I aren’t going to live happily ever after. We’re going to live dysfunctional, distant and somewhat estranged ever after. I will continue to want to be loving and a family; they will continue to be themselves and I will continue to hurt and long for happiness.

So, I finally came off the fence and decided something. It’s been on/off my mind for years but I’ve finally decided. Citygirl is going to become Citymom! Yes, you read it here first. DH & I have talked about children for years and I’ve just never felt 100% ready or capable. When I was caring for my mom, I just couldn’t imagine how a child would fit in or how I’d have enough energy for everything and everyone. I felt dead on my feet as it was.

But now, this void inside of me is calling for someone to love, nurture and share life with. My DH has been patient as a saint regarding this and I think he’s ready too. We’re ready to have our own family and not rely on my dysfunctional mess or his family (gee, I could write a whole other blog about his family!) for that fulfillment. We want to have our own celebrations and happiness. So here we go…stay tuned as I become citymom (estimated arrival is early July!).