Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rough Day

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Now and then, I just have a good cry (as my readers know!) and yesterday was one of those days.

I know I say I’m looking forward to having my own family (Citymom-to-be “CM2B” as one of my readers calls me!) and that I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings get to me but that only goes so far. Easter is coming up this weekend which means another opportunity for their dysfunction to shine. Nobody has contacted each other about it and I was going to make contact last night and then didn’t.

I got into such a funk yesterday (and it’s carrying over into today) that I ended up being depressed, having a good cry and then getting into a grumpy mood. Easter was on my mind during the day at work. I looked out the window late afternoon and saw a man collapsed on the middle of a very busy road with paramedics frantically doing chest compressions on him. I watched the scene intensely and thought of my parents and how lucky we/they were that their medical emergencies were generally at home or in the nursing home. How horrible for that man to be lying on a busy road on the brink of death. After all is said and done and all of life’s crap, this could be the end for this man. What a way to go.

I went home and felt down and out. My DH works shift-work so I’m sometimes on my own a lot which gives me time to think (too much!). I thought about Easter some more and how much I miss my mom and therefore opened a tidal wave of tears. I also thought about how my expected child will never meet my parents and possibly, never have much of a relationship with my siblings either. I vowed I would try to be the best mom possible to my stomach. The baby was quite active last night which made me smile in the middle of this emotionally stormy night. I could feel him kicking and punching and for the first time, I actually saw my stomach MOVE. It was pretty surreal to watch my stomach moving on its own!

I thought a lot about this baby last night too. I remember a few years ago, I was at my doctor’s office for an annual checkup and she casually asked if I was thinking of having children. I remember I was pretty unsure and teared up a bit. The doctor comforted me by saying she knew I was going through a lot of with my mom and that might be the main reason I was so emotional and hesitant to have children: I didn’t want to have a child and put them through what I’ve been through with my parents. I didn’t want to make another person suffer the pain that I’ve experienced. It was true. But flash-forward to today. Everyone will lose their parents at some point in their lives (unless they die before their parents). It’s part of life. I just got a really long and bad experience in my case.

So after my bawling, I just got into a funk. I missed my DH who had decided to go out after work for a bit which made me insanely upset. I was at home, having a crappy night and wanted him to come home and comfort me. But I forget DH doesn’t get it 100%. He does not comprehend me all the time. It’s probably just as well that he didn’t come home right away. I was in such a mood, G*d knows what I would have unleashed on him.

I know I should not sit at home all the time when DH is working. It just leads to time on my hands. But to tell you the truth, I need to have these moments sometimes. You can’t always be on the run from your feelings.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A New Chapter

It’s been a while since I posted. There hasn’t been much to post about (you'll laugh at that statement by the end of this post) and I’m in a terrible set-up at work where I have zero privacy (hey, what I do on my lunch or breaks is my business!).

However, I thought today I’d post. In terms of my family, it’s the same-old sh*t, different day. My siblings continue to be from another planet. Christmas was terrible – one sibling avoided the whole scene by saying his/her family was trying to get away for a mini-vacation (which was a complete lie and never happened). There’s a whole whack of other stuff going on with this sibling which I don’t want to get into online but it’s another big reason he/she’s become so distant. The other sibling came over to my place as did my DH’s parents. It was a nice enough time but I was quite sad not to see the first sibling and my niece/nephew. I rarely see those kids now. Maybe twice a year which really depresses me.

I don’t think my siblings will ever radically change and I have to accept that. We had our mom in common but other than that, they’re pretty messed up people. It’s a hard thing for me to accept, being the “baby” of the siblings. I’ve cried many times about the situation. I miss having family. Nothing against my poor DH, but he’s not my blood. I love him to pieces but he’s still not my flesh and blood. For some reason, the void of family leaves a big empty spot in me.

I miss having family to love. My mom’s passing really took a toll on me and now, it’s quite apparent that my siblings and I aren’t going to live happily ever after. We’re going to live dysfunctional, distant and somewhat estranged ever after. I will continue to want to be loving and a family; they will continue to be themselves and I will continue to hurt and long for happiness.

So, I finally came off the fence and decided something. It’s been on/off my mind for years but I’ve finally decided. Citygirl is going to become Citymom! Yes, you read it here first. DH & I have talked about children for years and I’ve just never felt 100% ready or capable. When I was caring for my mom, I just couldn’t imagine how a child would fit in or how I’d have enough energy for everything and everyone. I felt dead on my feet as it was.

But now, this void inside of me is calling for someone to love, nurture and share life with. My DH has been patient as a saint regarding this and I think he’s ready too. We’re ready to have our own family and not rely on my dysfunctional mess or his family (gee, I could write a whole other blog about his family!) for that fulfillment. We want to have our own celebrations and happiness. So here we go…stay tuned as I become citymom (estimated arrival is early July!).