Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Booties, Bibs and Tears

This past weekend, I attended my baby shower. It was really nice. Very well attended by friends and extended family and I received a lot of really great things. It was really nice to see such a good turnout.

It was hosted by 4 people – Sibling 1, my best friend and Sibling 2’s wife & daughter. One person who didn’t show at all was Sibling 2 himself (even though I asked him to come by and he lives 10 minutes away from the host’s house…and the host is a neutral person so I pretty well took every issue out of the equation for this sibling). However, I must give credit to this sibling’s spouse and child who also co-hosted despite whatever the problem is with Sibling 2 (this is the Christmas and Easter boycotter).

Besides this sibling, I was also thinking of my mom (are you surprised?). It was Mother’s Day here earlier this month and that was still rolling around in my head and then I looked around at my baby shower (which is just a bizarre thing for me to be saying as I never thought I’d see the day!) and I was sadly thinking how I wish my mom was there. Despite the 30 other people in attendance who love me, I was thinking of my mom.

My aunt was there (my mom’s only surviving sibling) and that meant the world to me. She looks and sounds like my mom so I was greedily soaking up everything about her. I felt like a parasite, using her to feel close to my mom. All the while, I was fighting off tears. It was quite a scene in my mind’s eye. I pried myself off my aunt and socialized with all the other guests and got a hold of myself and overall had a very nice time. I focused on being happy and enjoying all the love that my friends and extended family brought to the event.

I had some time alone last night as my DH was working and I was home alone. Guess what I did. Yep, had a good cry. The no-show sibling called to say hi and ask how the shower was (why does s/he care?!). I don’t know how s/he can’t see how much they break my heart with their behaviour. I’ve actually told him/her a few times how much our situation hurts and upsets me and get no real answer. It’s bad enough to boycott birthdays and holidays but the baby shower?! I know I’ve said I’m not going to let my dysfunctional siblings bother me but every now & then, I can’t help that it does. I wondered to myself last night if this sibling will even meet my baby or just avoid that too. This sibling hasn’t even seen me pregnant, which I mentioned and received no real response unless you count some awkward laugh. It absolutely kills me how far this sibling has gone. I must give some credit to the sibling that co-hosted the shower. At least there was effort and love put forth, even if it was a bit dysfunctional.

Of course, I thought about my mom too. I wished that she could be here to support me and meet her grandchild. It’s been two years this June since my mom passed away and sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday while other days, it feels like it was a long time ago. Funny how time is so hard to gauge. I was actually at my mom’s funeral home a few weeks ago for a co-worker’s mother (who also passed away after suffering from Alzheimers). The visitation was held in the same room as my mom’s was. It was hard to take but I wanted to at least visit my co-worker briefly as I remember how important it was to see people at the visitation. Then I saw a funeral procession the other day and just about cried at the sight of it. I could feel the sickness in my stomach that I felt when I was in my mom’s procession.

I guess last night all these things (and other little silly things going on) just caught up with me last night and had to come out. I felt a bit sorry for myself as somedays, I feel like I’ve landed on a foreign planet with no family or I somehow lost my family in one swipe (which is kind of true – my siblings went totally dysfunctional right after our mom died...it was like having my whole family wiped out). I also feel slightly guilty and scared (not sure if those are the right/exact descriptions) of looking forward to having my own little family. I hope and pray that I’ll be a good mom.