Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's been a while

It's been a while since I posted here. I've been quite busy at home with the little one and totally understand now why people say they "go to work for a break"!

I looked back on my last post and was surprised it was so long ago. My father-in-law did pass away...the day after that post. He was a lovely man and I miss him terribly. Honestly, he was the nicest person in that family. Always made me feel welcome and at ease. He was the best father-in-law you could ever ask for.

My DH was in shock for quite a while. He didn't seem fazed or bothered by his father's passing and that was kinda freaking me out a bit.

But, a couple of weeks ago, DH finally broke down. It made me cry for him. He told me how much he missed his dad and how he wanted to call/visit him so many times and then would realize he couldn't. He also said he'd see something interesting (like a neat car or whatever) during the day and want to tell his dad about it and couldn't. Or he wanted to tell his dad about something he accomplished but couldn't. And there's nobody else in this world that cares as much about these little things as his dad did.

DH GOT IT. He finally got the emptiness that I've been feeling all these years. Nobody cares about you as much as your parent and nothing feels as good as a proud parent beaming at you. You can tell anyone else in the world what you accomplished that day and it won't be the same.

DH still has his mom but they're not very close. His dad was his best friend and now he's gone.

We sat quietly together and I cried a bit, telling my DH how I worry about our child going through this pain one day when he loses us. I also acknowledged it's part of life and that's how it goes but it's so hard to imagine inflicting this pain on someone else. My DH was sad about this idea too and worries about our little guy "being on his own" one day. He even went as far as suggesting maybe he needs a sibling to lean on in the future. WHOA. Hold that boat for now. Not ready for that but also, as some readers know, your siblings aren't always supportive or present!

My son is SO attached to me. We had a bit of a hard start since he was very fussy and colicky and I had little support but we're pretty good now. I see how much he loves me and I am loving him right back. It's overwhelming somedays how much my son needs me and how he cries when I'm out of his sight. It's amazing to be on this side of the equation... being the parent instead of the child.